Major Arcana, Part 2

Sorry for the delay - some of my creative energy has been going towards a story that keeps spinning out of my head. It involves the protective figure, Shiisaa (also spelled Shisa), which looks like a lion or dog with a human face and teeth. Shiisaa, incidentally, is in the Hierophant Arcana in both Persona 3 and 4.

So, back to the Arcanas:

8 - Justice
My life - Missony Cardenas
Persona games - Ken Amada (3), Chihiro Fushimi (3), Nanako Dojima (4)
The Justice Arcana seems to be associated with youthful, quiet figures in the Persona games. It's true enough that Missony is a little younger than I am, and has quite a quiet demeanor. However, placing him as Justice almost seemed premature or weak... I guess because it was hard to tie him to the immaturity that Ken, Chihiro, and Nanako all represent. But turning to the original interpretations helps - Justice is about rationality, objectivity, and clear vision. Those terms tend to fit Missony very well.

9 - Hermit
My life - Tucker St. John
Persona games - Jin Shirato (3), Maya (Ms. Toriumi)(3), The Fox (4)
Tucker insists that the Hermit does not represent him well - he prefers Magician, or the Devil Arcana (which will wait until next time). However, Tucker does tend to withdraw from society more often than not, as the Fox has withdrawn to the shrine in town - his means of joining society tend to be limited to the online connections, just like Maya and Innocent Sin. Like Jin, he is very tech-savvy. He can be very intelligent, although he tends to focus on more trivial things. The Hermit warns that withdrawing completely from society can be dangerous, and that may be Tucker's case as well... if he doesn't grow up, he may stay in this house forever.

10 - Fortune
My life - Daniel Griffin (Griff)
Persona games - Takaya Sakaki (3), Keisuke Hiraga (3), Naoto Shirogane (4)
The wheel turns, and where do you go when you're the one sitting on it? Takaya went from trying to protect Tartarus to revelling in how its fall brought Nyx to the world. Keisuke had to decide what he wanted to do with his life - the side-project of artistic endeavor, or following in his father's footsteps. And Naoto had to come to terms with what she was and what she wasn't, deciding to live her life for herself rather than her ideal self. So how does Griff fit into this? Like Takaya, he can be very relaxed in manner, and very persuasive. Like Keisuke, he has many talents, but has not yet decided as to what fits him perfectly, and he has to deal with his father's shadow. Unlike Naoto, Griff is very content with what he is, but an interesting point is the fact that Naoto was a girl playing herself off as a guy; what kind of attractions did she have, if any? Did she like both sexes? Because Griff does, and that is one of many things that makes him unique.

11 - Strength
My life - Sherry Green
Persona games - Koromaru (3), Yuko Nishiwaki (3), Kou Ichijo/Daisuke Nagase (4)
All three or four characters in the games are tough cookies, for sure - Koromaru defeated a Shadow completely on his own before he was recruited to SEES, Yuko is athletic and a leader, and Kou and Daisuke both lead their respective sports teams. Through my time with Sherry, it seems like she has had a tough (possibly urban) upbringing, but she is much stronger because of it. If I needed someone's ass kicked, I would surely turn to her, not only because of her physical prowess (she may be short, but she is SOLID), but because she has weapons and she knows how to use them. Although she can have shortcomings (forgetful sometimes, talks to herself a lot), she is very much a rock or a pillar in our lab.

12 - Hanged Man
My life - Kozmo
Persona games - Chidori Yoshino (3), Maiko (3), Naoki Konishi (4)
Like Missony, this was rather a rushed decision for Kozmo's placement. I guess that the main motivation for connecting him as such is due to his inaction, which is what the other three characters share with him. Chidori is Strega's support system and healer, so she is much more of a passive player in their game. Maiko is only a child, so she is a passive observer in her parents' divorce, but becomes more active as time goes by. Naoki is dealing with the attention that came after his sister's death, and is having a hard time getting past it. Kozmo is, by far, the laziest cat I've seen, who tends to meow at you to let him out from the other side of the room. He even looks back at you when you see how much he's eating from the dish. There is also a connection of sacrifice to him - in the future, when Case and I leave here, we will have to leave Kozmo behind, because we would not want him to be separated from Ripley.

13 - Death
My life - My inner self
Persona games - Pharos (3), Ryoji Mochizuki (3), Hisano Kuroda (4)
No, I am not dying. Death, in these cases, are not so much about physical death, but the actual change that comes from within in the presence of death. Pharos is a being inside the Protagonist's mind (and body), Ryoji is a harbinger of the Fall of the world, and Hisano is a woman in mourning clothes after her husband's death. My inner self is a naysayer, one that imagines the worst possible scenarios, almost bringing me to tears - in fact, many of those scenarios tend to involve me or a loved one dying. I guess part of that is the unknown - what will happen to the one I love when he or she dies? Where will that soul go? And what will happen to me when I die? Is there a place beyond this? These are questions that my inner self tends to ask, especially when I'm trying to get to sleep. But even if the ideas and questions upset me, they are only part of a cycle of problems and solutions, and when I wake I might be provoked to do something about them.

14 - Temperance
My life - Nick Husher
Persona games - Andre Roland Jean Gerard (Bebe) (3), Eri Minami (4)
Both Bebe and Eri tend to be people trying to find balance in their situations. Nick may achieve that balance a lot in his life (it's harder to tell now, since I'm on the other side of the country), but it always shifts one way or another, so he has to find balance again. Like Bebe, he is very creative, and can get very excited about what he does; that's one of the things I find endearing about him. Like Eri, he can be very detached about the world and relationships, sometimes putting distance between himself and those who care about him. Still, he always manages to find balance again. One interesting note - Nick was against me moving out here to California, and he may have had a good reason to be. Trying to find my balance here, between social and solitude, between work and play, has been hard... I'm not even sure if I'll be able to.

Next time - All the rest, 15 - 21

Major Arcana, Part 1

Recently, Case and his brother and I have been playing the Shin Megami Tensei games: Persona 3 and Persona 4. These games are RPGs on the PS2, which involves battling in dungeons and using social links to make your summoned beings stronger. These social links involve the Major Arcana of your standard Tarot deck. I'm not sure whether this a trademark of Persona games, or whether the other SMT games are the same.

At any rate, I decided to apply the Major Arcana to my own life, using figures from my daily life as the arcana, based on the characters/situations in the Persona games I've played.

0 - Fool
My life - Our Engagement
Persona games - SEES (3), the investigating group (4)
The Fool Arcana is introduced near the beginning of the games, being the core set of characters who start the journey. For me, the journey, with the subsequent interactions, began after Casey and I got engaged, and I moved out here. Each of the protagonists ended up moving to a new place in the beginning of each game. Also, the initial Fool group evolves into the Judgment group, which I'll discuss later.

1 - Magician
My life - Brandon Sanchez
Persona games - Junpei Iori (3), Kenji Tomochika (3), Yosuke Hanamura (4)
In general, the Magician tends to be somewhat immature, cracking jokes about life in general, while sometimes having vulnerabilities to work through. Brandon tends to joke around with me a lot, playing off my general gullibility/good nature, but in truth he's a nice guy, who sometimes comes to me with relationship questions. In life as well as in the game, the Magician is fun to have around, ready to laugh and be laughed at.

2 - Priestess
My life - Ripley
Persona games - Fuuka Yamagishi (3), Yukiko Amagi (4)
It's not unusual in Persona games that social links are not human. In Persona 3, Koromaru (although not a social link) was a dog with the Arcana of Strength. In Persona 4, the Fox was living in the local shrine, with the Hermit Arcana. Also, for me, cats tend to be just as much of my siblings as humans, since I was raised with them. I chose Ripley as Priestess because she represents a lot of the mysterious aspects of my life - she comes and goes as she pleases, and rarely makes a lot of noise. Both Fuuka and Yukiko are quiet figures in the games as well.

3 - Empress
My life - Courtney Miller
Persona games - Mitsuru Kirijo (3), Margaret (4)
Part of my choice for Courtney being of the Empress is the mother/sister figure that she holds. Mitsuru was the main leader for SEES in Persona 3, serving as a kind of mother and older sister. Margaret, Igor's assistant, is the older sister of Elizabeth, Igor's assistant in Persona 3. Courtney, although being ten months younger than me, already has a child and is living in her own home - she is very motherly, and has been that way for Casey and his brothers through most of their lives. I'd almost consider her more of an older sister than a younger one.

4 - Emperor
My life - Chip St. John
Persona games - Akihiko Sanada (3), Hidetoshi Odagiri (3), Kanji Tatsumi (4)
As Chip is the head of the family, it's only logical that he be of the Emperor Arcana. He's hard to get to know sometimes, usually making wisecracks. Like the rest of the family, he's very stubborn, but he is also fair. He is tough as nails, just like all the Emperor Arcana characters in the Persona games.

5 - Hierophant
My life - Ron Rodriguez
Persona games - Shinjiro Aragaki (3), The Old Couple (3), Metis (3), Ryotaro Dojima (4)
Ron has been my surrogate dad and advisor since I came west. If I could call anyone Senpai, it would be him. He represents knowledge and experience, as associated with Shinji (tough former member of SEES), the old couple (age and a bookstore), and Dojima (an uncle). Metis's connection to the Hierophant Arcana seems slim at least, more as a placeholder since Shinji was killed off in the main part of the game - although maybe having more knowledge about Aigis's inner desires. At any rate, Ron is my Senpai, who has taught me more about my job than maybe even my first employers.

6 - Lovers
My life - Casey St. John
Persona games - Yukari Takeba (3), Rise Kujikawa (4)
The Arcana says it all - Casey is my lover. And, as with the characters in the Persona games, he is my main source of both healing and support. When I'm feeling sick, he's always sympathetic, and does what he can to make me comfortable and help me get better. When I'm stressed out about my life, he offers as much support as he can. He is also at a crossroads - when I entered his life, his future was unclear, but now he has choices to make. Whatever decision he makes, I will be with him.

7 - Chariot
My life - Travis St. John
Persona games - Aigis (3), Kazushi Miyamoto (3), Chie Satonaka (4)
The Chariot Arcana in the Persona games reflects on a lot of the physical strengths of the characters - Aigis is a robot, with superhuman strength, Kaz is a star sports figure for school, and Chie is a tough girl who fights with her feet. All of these characters eventually have weaknesses that they have to deal with - growth of emotion, physical ailments, and friendship issues. Travis is a scrappy guy, whom I definitely wouldn't take on in a fight, but he has various issues with family. I can only hope that time will help him achieve more with what lies ahead of him.


Next time - Major Arcana 8-14.

More Minutiae

I guess this is where the last post left off.

My financial issues are still pretty high, but I was talking with a good friend, who hates how I'm stuck out here. He wants me and Case to move out, and he suggested selling my car. The thought had not occurred to me... I mean, my car is how I get around. It got me across the country. My parents basically gave it to me once I moved out here - I have the title and everything. It gets me to work - all the job apps. I've filled out lately, I've checked off that I have reliable transportation.
But work is still scarce. I'm worried about my money, and I really don't want to be here anymore. I looked in the Kelley Blue Book online, and it says that my car, if it were in excellent condition, would be $3660. It's not in excellent condition, but it runs well enough, gets good gas mileage, and even has a CD player/MP3 jack in it. So maybe it would be worth somewhere closer to $3000... but $3000 would take care of my credit card bill, and it would give me money to help pay my bills in the future, and maybe start saving up for a place elsewhere.

So, pros of selling the car:
Money in my bank account, enough to pay my credit card bill and start saving
No more car insurance (since no car)
No more gas issues
No worries about future mechanical issues

Cons of selling the car:
Gift from my parents, don't know what they would think
Less mobility in general
Fewer opportunities for work
Have to work out carpooling with people

So I guess that's something to think about. Part of me is cringing about losing the car, because I love that car - it's been "my" car since I was a junior in high school. With it, I've been stuck in a snowbank, busted both bumpers, and dinged a deer. It gave me the freedom to visit people, to get my own supplies, and to make long-distance plans.
But another part of me is scared about my bills. $1800 may not seem like much in terms of loans and big-time expenses, but it's still a big number to me. I screwed up a lot with my money this year (though not all of it was my fault), and I want to make it right, but all the conventional methods seem to be closed to me.

I suppose I'll ask my parents what they might think. For all I know, they might veto it - because I probably would need my car if I was to come back to Vermont. Then again, my mom does work part-time, so if I could get an afternoon/evening job... I don't know. My friend may be right... the times might be desperate enough for me to do something that drastic, because God knows that work has not been coming.

If I have readers - do you have any thoughts?

Minutiae

Here's an update on the 14-year-old drama queen situation - no change whatsoever. She hasn't taken what I've told her to heart; although she's said she's ashamed, she doesn't stop. She said she tried, but I haven't seen it. The only time she's ever been a presentable human being is when a mod is around, and with one mod in particular, she doesn't even go that far. The mod himself mentioned in private chat that it's always quiet and peaceful when she's not around, but there hasn't been any hugely deliberate actions that have merited a ban. So it's kind of a hopeless thing.
Also, this girl has the goal of becoming a mod herself. This would benefit her more than it would benefit the game site or its inhabitants, as far as I can see - as a mod, she would be able to ban a person at her whim. And she would have the whim, if anyone decided to speak out against her for any small reason. Therefore, I've announced that if she ever becomes a mod, then I will quit the game site for good. This, of course, dismayed her - I told her that if she ever became a mod, then it meant that the system failed. The mod present whispered to me that he would do the same.

Ugh... I can't focus on this now. My finances are going to screw me over, and there's nothing I can do. Not unless I get a job in the next month, that is, and get paid before the month is over.

Cat's Stuck on the Roof

The roof is wet tile, not hot tin. Luckily, Case's brother Travis has a hole cut in his screen, and he was out, so I was able to let Kozmo in. However, I cut myself on the metal blinds, so I'm sucking on that a little.

I'm also searching for more Blogspot blogs I can follow, so I can at least see what some of my friends are doing. The two that I have so far haven't updated in weeks.

I just finished a fairly intense psychological session. I was the psychologist, even though I've never taken a single psych course. To be honest, it doesn't take that much to become a psychologist... you just have to ask the right questions, and get your subject to think about what he or she is doing.

My subject was a fourteen-year-old girl, with the alias of Haley23. I know her real name, and I've even found her incomplete profile on Facebook, but of course I'm staying anonymous. As far as I can tell, she's a pretty normal teenager in real life - pretty, bubbly, lots of girl friends, a religious background. Now that I think about it, she reminds me a little of my cousin Lindsay; Lindsay was all those things, from what I remember, and unfortunately she tried to push religious stuff on me back when I was a teenager, at a slumber party, which fouled up my opinion of her (and of religion) quite a bit.
But back to Haley. As normal as she may be in real life, she is almost batshit crazy when she's online in the chat room we share. My opinion of her has been really low, almost to the point of complete disgust. Most of that came from the fact that she lied a lot about who she was. Her age switched around a lot, and she could be anything from fawning to vitriolic. I'm a little ashamed to say that I wasn't always kind to her. It was hard for me to see past any of what she was showing us. But I was curious, I suppose, to see if there was any way to stop her from being so obnoxious to everyone.
So I talked to her. She realized that what she was doing was playing for attention. She felt like people wouldn't pay attention to her if she just talked normally, so she did obnoxious things so people would react; I suggested that she just talk about stuff that interested her (music, books, etc). She told me that some people just made her really excited, and that the environment (i.e. keyboard, anonymity) made it easy for her to go all out with the excitement, more so than she would if we were all people around her in real life. I can sympathize with that, at least with the whole train-of-thought thing... I know I write better here, and in chats, than I talk in real life. But I tried to convince her that the ettiquette of a chat room isn't that much different from school, or the mall, and that obnoxious behavior was just as intolerable in chat as it was in those kinds of places. I advised her in how to handle people who were being annoying - ask them politely, then either mute them or call a mod if they start getting abusive.
Another talkative person, Railfun, was a little obnoxious himself while I was working with Haley, but when he realized that she sincerely wanted to change her behavior, he encouraged her. That made me really happy, that other people cared about her, and I think she was glad too. When I was about to log, she started to do her whole "don't leave!" thing, but said she was kidding. I warned her that she should be careful with that sort of behavior - that I knew she was joking, but other people would interpret as her old behavior, so she promised to be careful.
I also warned her, during the discussion, that getting people to realize she changed, and accept that she changed, would take time, and that there would be people who would still treat her like her old self. I encouraged her not to let that get to her, although I told her I understood that words could hurt. Of course I understand that... regardless of what social position one holds in high school, there will always be hurtful words. And it wasn't that long ago for me, was it? Just a little over eight years since I felt depressed almost towards suicide, when I wrote that article yelling at my own peers, when I had to deal with someone obsessed with me... just remembering makes me quiver a little bit.

But that time is way past. My worries are a little more substantial, and financial... but like everything else, I will get through them. And maybe, in the work I managed to do tonight, I brought a little peace to that little microcosm that is The Singularity. Maybe I can be a big sister after all. That's a comforting thought, since my future sister-in-law is ten months younger than I am, and already has a house and a daughter - kind of missed out on the big-sister train there.

And there are no cats stuck on the roof now... they're all curled up into furry balls, sleeping... as I should be. Buona notte.

Fits and Starts

Somewhere in my being is a drive. It's what pushed me to become Valedictorian, it's what brought me out to California. Now it seems to be hidden. I want it back.

I was a writer once. I published poetry and writing in VTC's prototype literary journal, and stuck to my poetry throughout college. I wrote stuff that my colleagues and editors rated as 10 on a 1-to-10 scale, because I was able to tell stories with it. They could get the images out of it, they could imagine it. I haven't written anything good since those years... since those first few years.

Of course, I think a lot of my fan-fiction writing isn't bad. The story about Ladystark and Danooge contains a lot of personal references, but it has a lot of imagery that could most likely resonate with any geek, if not any person. Self-realization, loss, triumph, discovery... of course, one would have to appreciate the venue. Writing as an Undead warlock creates a somewhat specialized viewpoint, and sometimes I feel like I haven't developed Ladystark enough. Like she's warmed up to the living too quickly, I guess. Part of that, though, is that Case always had ideas of how Danooge was going to be, since he is Danooge. I kind of wish I could have collaborated with him, help him write in some chapters... maybe I can get him back into that mindset, too. He's started to draw again, getting back into practice.

The Stephen King project is not about great writing, at least not completely. It's about research... it's an encyclopedia, meant as a kind of supplement, not as a replacement for the novels, novellas, etc. However, the entries should provide relevant information, maybe some of the smaller details in order to get a picture of the person, place, or thing described. The troublesome thing is how much time and energy I will need to devote to this task. I'm honestly wishing I had a laptop right now, because I would like to be able to work on this wherever and whenever I want, instead of being stuck at a desk. I really would love to trade this desktop in.

Hell, if I could save everything I wanted, I'd trade it in for the laptop that Tucker never uses. He never uses it because his power cord failed, and he's too lazy to send it in for a refund. I'd send in for a new one and get that laptop running, and work whenever it felt comfortable to. And he would have a computer - not top-of-the-line, but still functional enough, enough to play games and search the web, which seems like all that he ever does. Plus, the printer is hooked up to it, so he could get his schoolwork done without too much trouble. Maybe I'll see if I can negotiate with him... he tends to be horribly possessive. He may protest that because his grandfather gave it to him, that he won't give it up. But it's useless to him without power, and he's too lazy to do anything to better his money situation.

Looking at laptops on eBay only makes me sad.

So, back to the beginning - I'm missing my drive. I really want it back, so I can get things done. I'm so distracted, and thusly my purpose for going through each day is foggy. Why do I get up? What do I want to accomplish in a day? When I turn on my computer, will it be for work or play? Where is my discipline? How can I turn my situation around?

If you have any ideas, please say so... it may end up that I'll figure it out for myself, but any help is appreciated.

Project Musings

Last night, I was thinking about my project. I think I'm going to add a Timeline section to the People, Places, and Things categories. The Timeline could take care of years, months, specific dates, instead of having that clutter up the Things section, as it did with Spignesi's Stephen King Encyclopedia. True enough, that I'm basing my classification system on his, but I'm being very careful. He had some pretty glaring holes in some sections - missing characters that were key plot points, items mentioned that didn't go anywhere... you know. It's stuff you'd think he'd picked up during the first drafts... but then again, he did most of the first drafts by hand (he provided photocopies of his manuscripts in one section).

Also, I'm not going to go into the film versions - they could take up another book on their own. I would need a completely different mindset... and possibly some more college courses in film study.

Or maybe I could put a timeline up for all the novels he wrote between 1991 and today... or would that be too complex? How would I chart that out? Would it be a centerfold? Or would it just cover several pages, with a row for every novel? Or maybe each page would be a year, with specific dates as they come up during that year (with maybe a few years on some pages, if there are only brief mentions?)... At any rate, it would have to be very specific. The timeline needs to be accurate and concise.

And I shouldn't really be thinking too much about the other novels right now. I still have so much to do on "Needful Things". The People section is almost complete (I've been doing another read-through, filling in the gaps as I find them), but there's nothing in Places or Things. I need to stop hanging around Kongregate so much (or at least shrink down Firefox from time to time) and just focus and DO it. It's screaming to be done, that one book. And soon as it's finished, the other ones I started will raise their voices too. Keep talking to me, files. You know I've got the fingers for it. You know I have the patience, and the will... just need the motivation.

I think I will have motivation soon. Case was working on some of his old Star Wars (pre-Phantom Shittage) fanfictions. Apparently some of the files were lost during the big computer overhaul; he had had a bad attack from a bad file download, so he had to save as much as he could on portable drives. During that transfer, bits and pieces were lost, so he's trying to recreate as much has he can. As he works, so should I. Maybe, by the time I get back to Vermont, I'll have enough finished to show Tony Magistrale. He's my old college advisor, a Stephen King expert, and something like a second dad to me. I don't know if he'd be pleased or disappointed by my progress, but I'd like to be able to show him something.

Thinking about the introduction - for I'll need to explain why I'm doing this, and my mind goes back to when I first started getting Barnes & Noble gift cards from my grandparents. I, being a Stephen King fan as a teenager, was always looking for new things to read... and suddenly, at the end of a shelf of short Signet paperbacks, there was this huge soft-cover book saying "The Stephen King Encyclopedia" on its spine. My fate was sealed (heh heh). I read that book, cover to cover, giggled over the funny sections, marveled at the artwork... and eventually began picking up on the errors. It was one of the books I brought with me to college (I think), and one that I brought with me to California.

Now, Spignesi is an expert of Stephen King. He did tons of research for his encyclopedia. I never knew that there was a Stephen King newsletter (it died out before I became interested) or a parody newsletter... I never knew "Carrie" had been made into a Broadway musical (maybe trying to capture the whole Sondheim/Sweeney Todd feel)... there were so many unfinished or unpublished works that were listed, some of which were later included in short story collections (i.e. "Nightmares and Dreamscapes") or on their own (i.e. "Blaze", which I still haven't purchased yet). God knows how much that book broadened my understanding of Stephen King.

Spignesi hasn't come out with a second edition of the Encyclopedia; it's possible that the effort took too much time, and that he's turned his attentions to other things. If that's so, then I really hope I could see my name on the second edition. I really wish I could get in contact with some of these experts, because I don't think I'm particularly in their league yet... but I could be. I remember being in Tony's classes and having him turn to me for some specific detail - he knew that I knew it, even if he had forgotten. Tony knows how to discuss Stephen King, for sure, but when it comes to raw detail, I used to be the best. I'm out of practice. Most of my novels are back at home (they take up more than one shelf downstairs!).

Even though my mind is supposedly past its prime for learning... I'm still hungry for knowledge. So maybe it's time to see how much knowledge I can transfer, from book via mind onto file. In these times, now that my education has been put on hold, the mental challenges are few and far between. How much can I remember - how much can I write about?

I guess, starting again tomorrow, we'll see. Until then, goodnight.