Venting in Obscurity

This may be the only place I can vent.

I roleplay on Twitter. At this point, I have four roles:

Jean Pierce - basically an extension of me, from February on, who has joined the crew of the NX-01 Enterprise as their ship's counselor. She is telepathically tied to the Twitter network, and has a few other tricks up her sleeve as well.

Lucio - Jean's bioluminescent centipede. He has been created twice (I'll explain why in a minute), and is used for interactions with Jean, and any other people she may have in her quarters, especially if she's having concerts.

Hoshi Sato from the Mirror Universe - A little self-explanatory, if you know the "In a Mirror, Darkly" episodes. So far, since this is set before IAMD, she hasn't done much except monitor the com a few time, and seducing Captain Forrest.

Naomi Wildman - The little human-Ktarian hybrid from Voyager. She is fun to play, because I can be imaginative and think of things from a child's perspective.


Now, the problem: there was a person that I befriended when I was just starting out with Jean. He was the original player of Lucio, as well as the time agent, Daniels. He also uses his RL account as a sort of RL/RP hybrid, the way I did at the beginning before making Jean fully RP. Now, I'm going to be honest here... he was a good friend for a good while. I shared bits and pieces of my life with him, without worrying about it. I suppose he did the same, to an extent. I also helped him with editing his tweets, both in RL and in RP, in order for him to express things properly, in the right context, without spoilers, etc.

During the course of our friendship, he has gotten into fights with other RPers, mainly in the Doctor Who RP group (which I used to follow more closely myself). I tried to keep him calm throughout that, tried to help him control what he would say to people, if only to keep the situation from getting more volatile. He thanked me profusely for that, and even called me an angel once in conversation. I was glad to keep the situation from escalating too far.

However... as plotlines and such started showing up, he began making big fusses over little details. He would often chat with me in AIM, jumping in with something that somebody I wasn't following had said, and would expect me to give him advice on the situation. Most of the time, I would advise him not to say anything, not to start drama. I suppose that got tiring for me for a while, since it seemed like half our conversations were about that sort of thing. So I was blunt at one point, and suggested that maybe he liked getting into those kinds of situations. He was immediately offended that I even suggested such a thing.
Then came the plot point, almost insignificant in terms of moving the plot along, that just ruined everything. I could explain it out again, but it would be a waste of words... basically, it was a misunderstanding that he felt the need to comment on, both in-character and in DMs. I was overwhelmed and somewhat upset by his reaction, and so shared it with the woman who leads the Enterprise RP.
Later there came a flood of e-mails... e-mails which basically put all the blame on me, asking me to look from his perspective, demanding that I apologize or stop talking to him. I shared some of the content of these e-mails with some RP friends, because it upset me, made me furious. They, of course, sympathized (after all, they wouldn't have wanted any friend of theirs treated like that). I decided, since I was getting so upset, and that any attempt at response would only end up with more vitriol... so I stopped talking to him.

All of this started back in late April. The fuss, the e-mails... they haven't stopped. They don't come in every day, but they are STILL coming. I've set up a filter so they go straight to the Trash... but I end up checking the Trash a lot anyway, just for that purpose. I guess it keeps me from feeling too bad when I don't see his name in my inbox.
He has left the Enterprise RP, deleted both Daniels and Lucio. I brought Lucio back in a new account (he had some commentary on THAT, too), and Daniels was negotiated to go to the player who does T'Pol.
He's now angry at the friends that I vented to, saying that what I had been doing was talking behind his back. They don't see it like that - they see that I was upset, that he had been saying these things to me, and I needed someone to talk to about it. And I did do more than talk... I guess, to really push the point home, I copy-pasted, so they could actually *see* what he was saying to me. They saw why I was upset, and sympathized. Because they sympathized, he says that I turned them against him, that he really liked them and wanted to keep talking to them. My friends tell me that he rarely talked to them at all, and since he had left the RP, they unfollowed him on their RP accounts because he wasn't really there anymore. One of my friends - I met with her lately - got a lot of nasty e-mails from him because she was honest, telling him that it was because of the RP, not for any personal reasons... but he didn't believe her. I feel so bad that she was brought into this so deep - I didn't want her to go through the same shit I did.

Now, here's really why I'm venting, and this time I did *NOTHING* wrong. Nothing at all.

The Voyager RP group has been barely started up these past couple of weeks, and they needed more members. So I created Naomi. Today was her first day out. I tried to follow everyone from Voyager, and had a great time playing a little girl, playing kadis-kot with Shara (a non-canon Orion). Then I got called into work, so I left, for about two or three hours.
Later I came back, RPed some more with Shara and B'Elanna, then sent Naomi to bed. It wasn't until I checked my Trash more closely that I realized that the guy (who also followed Voyager RP) had followed Naomi, said hi to her while I was gone (and since he wasn't really a Voyager RPer, I hadn't followed him), and I hadn't seen it in my Replies feed. So basically he thought I was ignoring him on purpose, and now has sent a nice vitriolic e-mail to me and the leader of the Enterprise RP (why, I don't really know, she has nothing to do with this). Finding this new e-mail in my Trash, I started the shakes - when I get to a certain point of emotional upset, I start trembling like mad. There was a bad time when he had threatened to bring back Daniels to kick my friend's RP character off the ship because she had stayed too long... that time, I made the whole desk shake.
So... I sent an OOC out from Naomi, apologizing to *anyone* who might be replying to me that I didn't see, saying I was getting used to the character, and really only following Voyager crew members. Tomorrow, I've decided I'll RP her finding his message and apologizing because she had been so busy cleaning her room - I think that he's taking offense way too easily, and I don't want to cause troubles in this RP. The least I can do is to try to ease the drama away with in-character dialogue.

But... the leader of the Enterprise RP is well aware of this guy and his problems. I told her what was going on... told her how it started... she's talked with him, reprimanded him for bringing his own agenda into his RP characters (he hated being told that, too)... she's trying to ask him exactly what he wants, and that's stymying him a bit... I've apologized to her, too, for bringing her into this, and she's reassured me that it's okay, that she's dealt with people like this before. However, she's also warned me that this will probably carry over to the Voyager RP... and it has. Goddamn it.

I'm just so frustrated with all this! If I respond to him, I'll only get more shit thrown at me. If I keep my silence, I'll still get shit thrown at me. I can't win. I... I think some of the worst of it is that he says ALL THIS SHIT in huge waves, and then expects me to take it in stride and talk it out. That's not how it works! When I get e-mails like that, I get upset. I get mad. I look at them, and I say to myself - "I would never say stuff like this to someone that I used to consider as a friend, even if things *were* really bad..."

Stuff like this:

"See, no matter what I do, I'm wrong. I bring it up in several ways, I'm wrong. I try to talk it over with Grety, I'm wrong (hell I'm /always/ wrong when I bring /anything/ up with her, what else is new? This seems to be an ongoing thing and it's totally wrecked our friendship)"

"Our so-called friendship (if ever it could be called that) is pretty much fucked. It's over. it's /been/ over for a while. It's not the same and it never could be. There's no going back there, as much as I'd like it."

"Now you tell me what the hell I'm supposed to do /but/ leave because /clearly/ that would solve everything. Since you got me into this, how about you get me out of it? That's only fair. I have all night because obviously I'm not going anywhere. You created this problem, now YOU
solve it."

"Now you know why I don't have female friends. i haven't found any who I've deemed trustworthy. All of them have used or manipulated me in some way and you're certainly no different, are you? I thought I could talk to you (and trust you), but you went from "You can talk to me about anything" to "no you're wrong" almost every time I bring something up. If it's not something you're conscious of doing (as you claim) then it's clearly something in life you're taking out on me. (Why should I feel shocked, because everyone else does it, why not you too?)"

"You have /no reason/ to be mad at me, or upset with me, or anything because YOU CREATED THIS PROBLEM ALL BY YOURSELF. Not me. I've already admitted wrongdoing and corrected it. If simply pointing out /your/ (& EntAllat's) wrongdoing makes you both hate me so much, then there's a question you have to ask yourselves: Why do you take such offence at being corrected? Why can you not simply admit your fault in this and MOVE ON?"


The latter two paragraphs were ones after I had responded to him in an e-mail saying, "Yes, it's fucked, you say you didn't want it to be yet you're the one still yelling at me, solve your own problems, I'm done, I'm shutting the fucking door". And I left it at that. I've been trying to move on for almost a month now, but he still keeps yelling at me. He just doesn't. Fucking. Stop. He's in his thirties, in another country, and he's still yelling at me... it just doesn't seem like it should be happening. It's like teenage drama.

I joined this RPing to have fun. I made friends in Enterprise, Voyager, and a few other universes as well. I met one of those friends in real life last Thursday, and we had a blast in Hollywood. Yet there is this one person who is ruining my fun. Case keeps telling me to not let it get to me... but it's so hard.
I'm not perfect. I have my flaws. I don't have the best social skills all the time. But I try to be nice to people as much as I can. When I make friends, I want to keep them. And if I get angry... I try not to lash out immediately, I try to have self-control. I think about how what I say will affect the other person, and try to get my point across without hurting anyone. However, I also try to be honest to my friends... if I think that they're doing something stupid, I will tell them that. I try not to sugar-coat, because that would be like lying to keep them happy.

I've stopped shaking now. I've vented a bit, and although I'm still upset, I feel more in control. If this is talking behind his back, then his back is huge - I'm announcing all this to strangers, whoever might be stumbling across my journal in their journey to find some good reading material. But it's not like I can just ignore what he's saying to me - I don't work like that. I need to express my frustrations somehow... Case has heard it all before, so he's telling me not to get so worked up. It seems like venting to friends won't work either. So now I'm just venting to a computer screen, and whatever aliens might be out there monitoring my madness.

I never have hated him. He abused me verbally, abused my friends verbally... but I haven't hated him. I feel sorry for him, that he feels that this way is the only way for him to act. He has troubles of his own, but it seems that the only way he can deal with them is taking them out on us.
And now... he's sent one last e-mail. The guy he's been in love with for a while has now cut him out of his life, too. He's decided to abandon the whole vendetta thing, tells me I can vent all I want. He still doesn't think he's said anything wrong, but he's done caring what I think.
Can I help but feel relieved? When it all comes down to it... having him not care anymore means that he won't be yelling at me anymore. For now, at least.

I will try my best to patch things a little with Naomi - that was all a misunderstanding. I don't want to fight. I never have. It's just been emotionally exhausting, all the time.
I'm looking over all that I've written and pasted here... seeing my frustration go up, peak, and then go back down... that's really how it works for me. I don't feel so angry anymore. Just tired. And just a little hopeful, maybe I can fix a few small things after all.

The Final Arcana

And now, the last of it... distractions, distractions...

15 - Devil
My life - Haley23
Persona games - President Tanaka (3), Sayoko Uehara (4)
The Devil is all about temptation. With Tanaka, you are tempted to focus on money and swindling people out of it. With Sayoko, she tries to seduce you, having a flirtatious attitude in past and present. Haley23 is a denizen of a game room that I frequent - there is precedent to having a social link be a virtual person; that would be Maya, the Hermit link from Persona 3. Haley23 is supposedly a 14-year-old girl, who apparently has body issues, and claims to love every boy in the room. She is my temptation - she makes me want to act ten years younger than I am, with my adult vocabulary. She also makes me want to rip her hair out, or melt her keyboard. Yet despite these temptations, she is fascinating, and she may actually be a good person on the other side of the screen... but who can tell?

16 - Tower
My life - My parents
Persona games - Mutatsu (3), Shyuu Nakajima (4)
I have yet to meet Shyuu in-game, so my basis for the Tower arcana is through Mutatsu. He is a gruff, rather pessimistic monk that the Protagonist meets in a bar. He is a giver of tough love; he has made mistakes, has thought about them, and eventually is able to pass on advice. My parents are rather far away from me right now, and they have a lot of tough love for me, but they are also very kind, sending me goodies and news from home. Eventually, like Mutatsu and his family, we'll reconcile and start a new relationship, as equals.

17 - Star
My life - Audrey Miller
Persona games - Mamoru Hayase (3), Teddie (4)
Mamoru is a star of the rival track team, and Teddie is your main contact from the TV world. Both are bright, hopeful individuals. Teddie is closer in personality to Audrey, in that at first meeting, both he and she are hard to understand - Teddie's weird, and Audrey is less than two years old. However, during the course of time, each one grows and becomes much more dynamic individuals. My niece-to-be is adorable, a little fussy, but still a bundle of fun. The Star is only a depressing card in that a star will eventually fall - in Audrey's case, the only disappointment is that her innocence as a child will eventually fade away, once she grows up. Right now, though, she's a cute handful.

18 - Moon
My life - Theresa St. John
Persona games - Nozomi Suemitsu (3), Ai Ebihara (4)
The Moon arcana is all about illusions. Nozomi has the illusion of indulging in both overeating and a religious cult, while hiding inner sibling issues. Ai is a materialistic individual, who often has shallow reactions, but is holding past weight and pressure issues inside. My future mother-in-law loves me dearly, and can be very sweet, but she also has an addictive personality, and tends to be quite lazy and lax about household duties. She smokes, watches reality TV late into the night, and has weight issues and type 2 diabetes. She has also had issues with alcoholism and physical abuse in the past - since my upbringing was pretty idyllic, the thought that my love had to deal with this sort of thing in the past is scary, especially since Terri is mostly harmless these days. I can only hope that if something DOES happen, it will allow her to shed some of the addictive practices and become a more normal person.

19 - Sun
My life - Joseph Larose
Persona games - Akinari Kamiki (3), Yumi Ozawa (4), Ayane Matsunaga (4)
The Sun is a symbol of clarity and redemption - Akinari accepts his dying fate, and becomes redeemed; Yumi accepts her father's abandonment and death; and Ayane accepts that she has great musical potential, despite not playing the instrument she wanted. Joe is not always a ray of sunshine for me, but we have always had a lot of common ground, even with some sexual tension. These days, he reminds me of the good, geeky times we had, and flirts with me online. He also uses me as a sounding board when it comes to relationships (this is not limited to him, for I've helped others, too), and hopefully through my feedback, he finds a way to redeem himself in his own heart. There is no doubt in my mind that I'll be glad to see him again when I come home.

20 - Judgment
My life - Our marriage
Persona games - Nyx Annihilation Team (3), Alliance of Truth Seekers (4)
In the games, the teams once represented by the Fool Arcana eventually cap, then are reformed into teams represented by the Judgment Arcana. In my life, the next natural step in our engagement is our marriage. We will form a much stronger bond, and be legally recognized as a couple, beyond any doubt. This will happen when we are back east, when we have finally begun to live on our own, and stand on our feet - we will find a new form of freedom.

21 - World/Aeon
My life - Our future children
Persona games - Aigis (3)
The World is a culmination of all the other Arcanas. In the Persona games, it is usually the force which allows the Protagonist to defeat the final boss of the game; it is also the hidden arcana that represents Aigis' social link, if the right ending is chosen. Aigis has this arcana because when it begins, she is finally becoming more human, exploring her emotions and making her own decisions. For Case and I, our children will be the culmination of our journey that we started in the beginning. It is the end of our cycle, and the beginning of a new cycle of growth, for the little ones that we will raise together. The thought of this, of all these arcanas leading up to this, gives me great hope for my future as an individual, as a fiancee, as a wife, and as a mother.


So, those are the Arcana!
One last note: in perusing the Arcanas, I was considering which I might be as an individual. I came to the conclusion that I was the Priestess: quiet, intuitive, knowledgeable, and mysterious. I also have similar personalities to Fuuka, Yukiko, and Ripley (yes, I know it's hard to gauge a cat's personality, but bear with me, we're very much alike).

And now, back to your regularly scheduled (ha!) posts about my life.

Major Arcana, Part 2

Sorry for the delay - some of my creative energy has been going towards a story that keeps spinning out of my head. It involves the protective figure, Shiisaa (also spelled Shisa), which looks like a lion or dog with a human face and teeth. Shiisaa, incidentally, is in the Hierophant Arcana in both Persona 3 and 4.

So, back to the Arcanas:

8 - Justice
My life - Missony Cardenas
Persona games - Ken Amada (3), Chihiro Fushimi (3), Nanako Dojima (4)
The Justice Arcana seems to be associated with youthful, quiet figures in the Persona games. It's true enough that Missony is a little younger than I am, and has quite a quiet demeanor. However, placing him as Justice almost seemed premature or weak... I guess because it was hard to tie him to the immaturity that Ken, Chihiro, and Nanako all represent. But turning to the original interpretations helps - Justice is about rationality, objectivity, and clear vision. Those terms tend to fit Missony very well.

9 - Hermit
My life - Tucker St. John
Persona games - Jin Shirato (3), Maya (Ms. Toriumi)(3), The Fox (4)
Tucker insists that the Hermit does not represent him well - he prefers Magician, or the Devil Arcana (which will wait until next time). However, Tucker does tend to withdraw from society more often than not, as the Fox has withdrawn to the shrine in town - his means of joining society tend to be limited to the online connections, just like Maya and Innocent Sin. Like Jin, he is very tech-savvy. He can be very intelligent, although he tends to focus on more trivial things. The Hermit warns that withdrawing completely from society can be dangerous, and that may be Tucker's case as well... if he doesn't grow up, he may stay in this house forever.

10 - Fortune
My life - Daniel Griffin (Griff)
Persona games - Takaya Sakaki (3), Keisuke Hiraga (3), Naoto Shirogane (4)
The wheel turns, and where do you go when you're the one sitting on it? Takaya went from trying to protect Tartarus to revelling in how its fall brought Nyx to the world. Keisuke had to decide what he wanted to do with his life - the side-project of artistic endeavor, or following in his father's footsteps. And Naoto had to come to terms with what she was and what she wasn't, deciding to live her life for herself rather than her ideal self. So how does Griff fit into this? Like Takaya, he can be very relaxed in manner, and very persuasive. Like Keisuke, he has many talents, but has not yet decided as to what fits him perfectly, and he has to deal with his father's shadow. Unlike Naoto, Griff is very content with what he is, but an interesting point is the fact that Naoto was a girl playing herself off as a guy; what kind of attractions did she have, if any? Did she like both sexes? Because Griff does, and that is one of many things that makes him unique.

11 - Strength
My life - Sherry Green
Persona games - Koromaru (3), Yuko Nishiwaki (3), Kou Ichijo/Daisuke Nagase (4)
All three or four characters in the games are tough cookies, for sure - Koromaru defeated a Shadow completely on his own before he was recruited to SEES, Yuko is athletic and a leader, and Kou and Daisuke both lead their respective sports teams. Through my time with Sherry, it seems like she has had a tough (possibly urban) upbringing, but she is much stronger because of it. If I needed someone's ass kicked, I would surely turn to her, not only because of her physical prowess (she may be short, but she is SOLID), but because she has weapons and she knows how to use them. Although she can have shortcomings (forgetful sometimes, talks to herself a lot), she is very much a rock or a pillar in our lab.

12 - Hanged Man
My life - Kozmo
Persona games - Chidori Yoshino (3), Maiko (3), Naoki Konishi (4)
Like Missony, this was rather a rushed decision for Kozmo's placement. I guess that the main motivation for connecting him as such is due to his inaction, which is what the other three characters share with him. Chidori is Strega's support system and healer, so she is much more of a passive player in their game. Maiko is only a child, so she is a passive observer in her parents' divorce, but becomes more active as time goes by. Naoki is dealing with the attention that came after his sister's death, and is having a hard time getting past it. Kozmo is, by far, the laziest cat I've seen, who tends to meow at you to let him out from the other side of the room. He even looks back at you when you see how much he's eating from the dish. There is also a connection of sacrifice to him - in the future, when Case and I leave here, we will have to leave Kozmo behind, because we would not want him to be separated from Ripley.

13 - Death
My life - My inner self
Persona games - Pharos (3), Ryoji Mochizuki (3), Hisano Kuroda (4)
No, I am not dying. Death, in these cases, are not so much about physical death, but the actual change that comes from within in the presence of death. Pharos is a being inside the Protagonist's mind (and body), Ryoji is a harbinger of the Fall of the world, and Hisano is a woman in mourning clothes after her husband's death. My inner self is a naysayer, one that imagines the worst possible scenarios, almost bringing me to tears - in fact, many of those scenarios tend to involve me or a loved one dying. I guess part of that is the unknown - what will happen to the one I love when he or she dies? Where will that soul go? And what will happen to me when I die? Is there a place beyond this? These are questions that my inner self tends to ask, especially when I'm trying to get to sleep. But even if the ideas and questions upset me, they are only part of a cycle of problems and solutions, and when I wake I might be provoked to do something about them.

14 - Temperance
My life - Nick Husher
Persona games - Andre Roland Jean Gerard (Bebe) (3), Eri Minami (4)
Both Bebe and Eri tend to be people trying to find balance in their situations. Nick may achieve that balance a lot in his life (it's harder to tell now, since I'm on the other side of the country), but it always shifts one way or another, so he has to find balance again. Like Bebe, he is very creative, and can get very excited about what he does; that's one of the things I find endearing about him. Like Eri, he can be very detached about the world and relationships, sometimes putting distance between himself and those who care about him. Still, he always manages to find balance again. One interesting note - Nick was against me moving out here to California, and he may have had a good reason to be. Trying to find my balance here, between social and solitude, between work and play, has been hard... I'm not even sure if I'll be able to.

Next time - All the rest, 15 - 21

Major Arcana, Part 1

Recently, Case and his brother and I have been playing the Shin Megami Tensei games: Persona 3 and Persona 4. These games are RPGs on the PS2, which involves battling in dungeons and using social links to make your summoned beings stronger. These social links involve the Major Arcana of your standard Tarot deck. I'm not sure whether this a trademark of Persona games, or whether the other SMT games are the same.

At any rate, I decided to apply the Major Arcana to my own life, using figures from my daily life as the arcana, based on the characters/situations in the Persona games I've played.

0 - Fool
My life - Our Engagement
Persona games - SEES (3), the investigating group (4)
The Fool Arcana is introduced near the beginning of the games, being the core set of characters who start the journey. For me, the journey, with the subsequent interactions, began after Casey and I got engaged, and I moved out here. Each of the protagonists ended up moving to a new place in the beginning of each game. Also, the initial Fool group evolves into the Judgment group, which I'll discuss later.

1 - Magician
My life - Brandon Sanchez
Persona games - Junpei Iori (3), Kenji Tomochika (3), Yosuke Hanamura (4)
In general, the Magician tends to be somewhat immature, cracking jokes about life in general, while sometimes having vulnerabilities to work through. Brandon tends to joke around with me a lot, playing off my general gullibility/good nature, but in truth he's a nice guy, who sometimes comes to me with relationship questions. In life as well as in the game, the Magician is fun to have around, ready to laugh and be laughed at.

2 - Priestess
My life - Ripley
Persona games - Fuuka Yamagishi (3), Yukiko Amagi (4)
It's not unusual in Persona games that social links are not human. In Persona 3, Koromaru (although not a social link) was a dog with the Arcana of Strength. In Persona 4, the Fox was living in the local shrine, with the Hermit Arcana. Also, for me, cats tend to be just as much of my siblings as humans, since I was raised with them. I chose Ripley as Priestess because she represents a lot of the mysterious aspects of my life - she comes and goes as she pleases, and rarely makes a lot of noise. Both Fuuka and Yukiko are quiet figures in the games as well.

3 - Empress
My life - Courtney Miller
Persona games - Mitsuru Kirijo (3), Margaret (4)
Part of my choice for Courtney being of the Empress is the mother/sister figure that she holds. Mitsuru was the main leader for SEES in Persona 3, serving as a kind of mother and older sister. Margaret, Igor's assistant, is the older sister of Elizabeth, Igor's assistant in Persona 3. Courtney, although being ten months younger than me, already has a child and is living in her own home - she is very motherly, and has been that way for Casey and his brothers through most of their lives. I'd almost consider her more of an older sister than a younger one.

4 - Emperor
My life - Chip St. John
Persona games - Akihiko Sanada (3), Hidetoshi Odagiri (3), Kanji Tatsumi (4)
As Chip is the head of the family, it's only logical that he be of the Emperor Arcana. He's hard to get to know sometimes, usually making wisecracks. Like the rest of the family, he's very stubborn, but he is also fair. He is tough as nails, just like all the Emperor Arcana characters in the Persona games.

5 - Hierophant
My life - Ron Rodriguez
Persona games - Shinjiro Aragaki (3), The Old Couple (3), Metis (3), Ryotaro Dojima (4)
Ron has been my surrogate dad and advisor since I came west. If I could call anyone Senpai, it would be him. He represents knowledge and experience, as associated with Shinji (tough former member of SEES), the old couple (age and a bookstore), and Dojima (an uncle). Metis's connection to the Hierophant Arcana seems slim at least, more as a placeholder since Shinji was killed off in the main part of the game - although maybe having more knowledge about Aigis's inner desires. At any rate, Ron is my Senpai, who has taught me more about my job than maybe even my first employers.

6 - Lovers
My life - Casey St. John
Persona games - Yukari Takeba (3), Rise Kujikawa (4)
The Arcana says it all - Casey is my lover. And, as with the characters in the Persona games, he is my main source of both healing and support. When I'm feeling sick, he's always sympathetic, and does what he can to make me comfortable and help me get better. When I'm stressed out about my life, he offers as much support as he can. He is also at a crossroads - when I entered his life, his future was unclear, but now he has choices to make. Whatever decision he makes, I will be with him.

7 - Chariot
My life - Travis St. John
Persona games - Aigis (3), Kazushi Miyamoto (3), Chie Satonaka (4)
The Chariot Arcana in the Persona games reflects on a lot of the physical strengths of the characters - Aigis is a robot, with superhuman strength, Kaz is a star sports figure for school, and Chie is a tough girl who fights with her feet. All of these characters eventually have weaknesses that they have to deal with - growth of emotion, physical ailments, and friendship issues. Travis is a scrappy guy, whom I definitely wouldn't take on in a fight, but he has various issues with family. I can only hope that time will help him achieve more with what lies ahead of him.


Next time - Major Arcana 8-14.

More Minutiae

I guess this is where the last post left off.

My financial issues are still pretty high, but I was talking with a good friend, who hates how I'm stuck out here. He wants me and Case to move out, and he suggested selling my car. The thought had not occurred to me... I mean, my car is how I get around. It got me across the country. My parents basically gave it to me once I moved out here - I have the title and everything. It gets me to work - all the job apps. I've filled out lately, I've checked off that I have reliable transportation.
But work is still scarce. I'm worried about my money, and I really don't want to be here anymore. I looked in the Kelley Blue Book online, and it says that my car, if it were in excellent condition, would be $3660. It's not in excellent condition, but it runs well enough, gets good gas mileage, and even has a CD player/MP3 jack in it. So maybe it would be worth somewhere closer to $3000... but $3000 would take care of my credit card bill, and it would give me money to help pay my bills in the future, and maybe start saving up for a place elsewhere.

So, pros of selling the car:
Money in my bank account, enough to pay my credit card bill and start saving
No more car insurance (since no car)
No more gas issues
No worries about future mechanical issues

Cons of selling the car:
Gift from my parents, don't know what they would think
Less mobility in general
Fewer opportunities for work
Have to work out carpooling with people

So I guess that's something to think about. Part of me is cringing about losing the car, because I love that car - it's been "my" car since I was a junior in high school. With it, I've been stuck in a snowbank, busted both bumpers, and dinged a deer. It gave me the freedom to visit people, to get my own supplies, and to make long-distance plans.
But another part of me is scared about my bills. $1800 may not seem like much in terms of loans and big-time expenses, but it's still a big number to me. I screwed up a lot with my money this year (though not all of it was my fault), and I want to make it right, but all the conventional methods seem to be closed to me.

I suppose I'll ask my parents what they might think. For all I know, they might veto it - because I probably would need my car if I was to come back to Vermont. Then again, my mom does work part-time, so if I could get an afternoon/evening job... I don't know. My friend may be right... the times might be desperate enough for me to do something that drastic, because God knows that work has not been coming.

If I have readers - do you have any thoughts?

Minutiae

Here's an update on the 14-year-old drama queen situation - no change whatsoever. She hasn't taken what I've told her to heart; although she's said she's ashamed, she doesn't stop. She said she tried, but I haven't seen it. The only time she's ever been a presentable human being is when a mod is around, and with one mod in particular, she doesn't even go that far. The mod himself mentioned in private chat that it's always quiet and peaceful when she's not around, but there hasn't been any hugely deliberate actions that have merited a ban. So it's kind of a hopeless thing.
Also, this girl has the goal of becoming a mod herself. This would benefit her more than it would benefit the game site or its inhabitants, as far as I can see - as a mod, she would be able to ban a person at her whim. And she would have the whim, if anyone decided to speak out against her for any small reason. Therefore, I've announced that if she ever becomes a mod, then I will quit the game site for good. This, of course, dismayed her - I told her that if she ever became a mod, then it meant that the system failed. The mod present whispered to me that he would do the same.

Ugh... I can't focus on this now. My finances are going to screw me over, and there's nothing I can do. Not unless I get a job in the next month, that is, and get paid before the month is over.

Cat's Stuck on the Roof

The roof is wet tile, not hot tin. Luckily, Case's brother Travis has a hole cut in his screen, and he was out, so I was able to let Kozmo in. However, I cut myself on the metal blinds, so I'm sucking on that a little.

I'm also searching for more Blogspot blogs I can follow, so I can at least see what some of my friends are doing. The two that I have so far haven't updated in weeks.

I just finished a fairly intense psychological session. I was the psychologist, even though I've never taken a single psych course. To be honest, it doesn't take that much to become a psychologist... you just have to ask the right questions, and get your subject to think about what he or she is doing.

My subject was a fourteen-year-old girl, with the alias of Haley23. I know her real name, and I've even found her incomplete profile on Facebook, but of course I'm staying anonymous. As far as I can tell, she's a pretty normal teenager in real life - pretty, bubbly, lots of girl friends, a religious background. Now that I think about it, she reminds me a little of my cousin Lindsay; Lindsay was all those things, from what I remember, and unfortunately she tried to push religious stuff on me back when I was a teenager, at a slumber party, which fouled up my opinion of her (and of religion) quite a bit.
But back to Haley. As normal as she may be in real life, she is almost batshit crazy when she's online in the chat room we share. My opinion of her has been really low, almost to the point of complete disgust. Most of that came from the fact that she lied a lot about who she was. Her age switched around a lot, and she could be anything from fawning to vitriolic. I'm a little ashamed to say that I wasn't always kind to her. It was hard for me to see past any of what she was showing us. But I was curious, I suppose, to see if there was any way to stop her from being so obnoxious to everyone.
So I talked to her. She realized that what she was doing was playing for attention. She felt like people wouldn't pay attention to her if she just talked normally, so she did obnoxious things so people would react; I suggested that she just talk about stuff that interested her (music, books, etc). She told me that some people just made her really excited, and that the environment (i.e. keyboard, anonymity) made it easy for her to go all out with the excitement, more so than she would if we were all people around her in real life. I can sympathize with that, at least with the whole train-of-thought thing... I know I write better here, and in chats, than I talk in real life. But I tried to convince her that the ettiquette of a chat room isn't that much different from school, or the mall, and that obnoxious behavior was just as intolerable in chat as it was in those kinds of places. I advised her in how to handle people who were being annoying - ask them politely, then either mute them or call a mod if they start getting abusive.
Another talkative person, Railfun, was a little obnoxious himself while I was working with Haley, but when he realized that she sincerely wanted to change her behavior, he encouraged her. That made me really happy, that other people cared about her, and I think she was glad too. When I was about to log, she started to do her whole "don't leave!" thing, but said she was kidding. I warned her that she should be careful with that sort of behavior - that I knew she was joking, but other people would interpret as her old behavior, so she promised to be careful.
I also warned her, during the discussion, that getting people to realize she changed, and accept that she changed, would take time, and that there would be people who would still treat her like her old self. I encouraged her not to let that get to her, although I told her I understood that words could hurt. Of course I understand that... regardless of what social position one holds in high school, there will always be hurtful words. And it wasn't that long ago for me, was it? Just a little over eight years since I felt depressed almost towards suicide, when I wrote that article yelling at my own peers, when I had to deal with someone obsessed with me... just remembering makes me quiver a little bit.

But that time is way past. My worries are a little more substantial, and financial... but like everything else, I will get through them. And maybe, in the work I managed to do tonight, I brought a little peace to that little microcosm that is The Singularity. Maybe I can be a big sister after all. That's a comforting thought, since my future sister-in-law is ten months younger than I am, and already has a house and a daughter - kind of missed out on the big-sister train there.

And there are no cats stuck on the roof now... they're all curled up into furry balls, sleeping... as I should be. Buona notte.

Fits and Starts

Somewhere in my being is a drive. It's what pushed me to become Valedictorian, it's what brought me out to California. Now it seems to be hidden. I want it back.

I was a writer once. I published poetry and writing in VTC's prototype literary journal, and stuck to my poetry throughout college. I wrote stuff that my colleagues and editors rated as 10 on a 1-to-10 scale, because I was able to tell stories with it. They could get the images out of it, they could imagine it. I haven't written anything good since those years... since those first few years.

Of course, I think a lot of my fan-fiction writing isn't bad. The story about Ladystark and Danooge contains a lot of personal references, but it has a lot of imagery that could most likely resonate with any geek, if not any person. Self-realization, loss, triumph, discovery... of course, one would have to appreciate the venue. Writing as an Undead warlock creates a somewhat specialized viewpoint, and sometimes I feel like I haven't developed Ladystark enough. Like she's warmed up to the living too quickly, I guess. Part of that, though, is that Case always had ideas of how Danooge was going to be, since he is Danooge. I kind of wish I could have collaborated with him, help him write in some chapters... maybe I can get him back into that mindset, too. He's started to draw again, getting back into practice.

The Stephen King project is not about great writing, at least not completely. It's about research... it's an encyclopedia, meant as a kind of supplement, not as a replacement for the novels, novellas, etc. However, the entries should provide relevant information, maybe some of the smaller details in order to get a picture of the person, place, or thing described. The troublesome thing is how much time and energy I will need to devote to this task. I'm honestly wishing I had a laptop right now, because I would like to be able to work on this wherever and whenever I want, instead of being stuck at a desk. I really would love to trade this desktop in.

Hell, if I could save everything I wanted, I'd trade it in for the laptop that Tucker never uses. He never uses it because his power cord failed, and he's too lazy to send it in for a refund. I'd send in for a new one and get that laptop running, and work whenever it felt comfortable to. And he would have a computer - not top-of-the-line, but still functional enough, enough to play games and search the web, which seems like all that he ever does. Plus, the printer is hooked up to it, so he could get his schoolwork done without too much trouble. Maybe I'll see if I can negotiate with him... he tends to be horribly possessive. He may protest that because his grandfather gave it to him, that he won't give it up. But it's useless to him without power, and he's too lazy to do anything to better his money situation.

Looking at laptops on eBay only makes me sad.

So, back to the beginning - I'm missing my drive. I really want it back, so I can get things done. I'm so distracted, and thusly my purpose for going through each day is foggy. Why do I get up? What do I want to accomplish in a day? When I turn on my computer, will it be for work or play? Where is my discipline? How can I turn my situation around?

If you have any ideas, please say so... it may end up that I'll figure it out for myself, but any help is appreciated.

Project Musings

Last night, I was thinking about my project. I think I'm going to add a Timeline section to the People, Places, and Things categories. The Timeline could take care of years, months, specific dates, instead of having that clutter up the Things section, as it did with Spignesi's Stephen King Encyclopedia. True enough, that I'm basing my classification system on his, but I'm being very careful. He had some pretty glaring holes in some sections - missing characters that were key plot points, items mentioned that didn't go anywhere... you know. It's stuff you'd think he'd picked up during the first drafts... but then again, he did most of the first drafts by hand (he provided photocopies of his manuscripts in one section).

Also, I'm not going to go into the film versions - they could take up another book on their own. I would need a completely different mindset... and possibly some more college courses in film study.

Or maybe I could put a timeline up for all the novels he wrote between 1991 and today... or would that be too complex? How would I chart that out? Would it be a centerfold? Or would it just cover several pages, with a row for every novel? Or maybe each page would be a year, with specific dates as they come up during that year (with maybe a few years on some pages, if there are only brief mentions?)... At any rate, it would have to be very specific. The timeline needs to be accurate and concise.

And I shouldn't really be thinking too much about the other novels right now. I still have so much to do on "Needful Things". The People section is almost complete (I've been doing another read-through, filling in the gaps as I find them), but there's nothing in Places or Things. I need to stop hanging around Kongregate so much (or at least shrink down Firefox from time to time) and just focus and DO it. It's screaming to be done, that one book. And soon as it's finished, the other ones I started will raise their voices too. Keep talking to me, files. You know I've got the fingers for it. You know I have the patience, and the will... just need the motivation.

I think I will have motivation soon. Case was working on some of his old Star Wars (pre-Phantom Shittage) fanfictions. Apparently some of the files were lost during the big computer overhaul; he had had a bad attack from a bad file download, so he had to save as much as he could on portable drives. During that transfer, bits and pieces were lost, so he's trying to recreate as much has he can. As he works, so should I. Maybe, by the time I get back to Vermont, I'll have enough finished to show Tony Magistrale. He's my old college advisor, a Stephen King expert, and something like a second dad to me. I don't know if he'd be pleased or disappointed by my progress, but I'd like to be able to show him something.

Thinking about the introduction - for I'll need to explain why I'm doing this, and my mind goes back to when I first started getting Barnes & Noble gift cards from my grandparents. I, being a Stephen King fan as a teenager, was always looking for new things to read... and suddenly, at the end of a shelf of short Signet paperbacks, there was this huge soft-cover book saying "The Stephen King Encyclopedia" on its spine. My fate was sealed (heh heh). I read that book, cover to cover, giggled over the funny sections, marveled at the artwork... and eventually began picking up on the errors. It was one of the books I brought with me to college (I think), and one that I brought with me to California.

Now, Spignesi is an expert of Stephen King. He did tons of research for his encyclopedia. I never knew that there was a Stephen King newsletter (it died out before I became interested) or a parody newsletter... I never knew "Carrie" had been made into a Broadway musical (maybe trying to capture the whole Sondheim/Sweeney Todd feel)... there were so many unfinished or unpublished works that were listed, some of which were later included in short story collections (i.e. "Nightmares and Dreamscapes") or on their own (i.e. "Blaze", which I still haven't purchased yet). God knows how much that book broadened my understanding of Stephen King.

Spignesi hasn't come out with a second edition of the Encyclopedia; it's possible that the effort took too much time, and that he's turned his attentions to other things. If that's so, then I really hope I could see my name on the second edition. I really wish I could get in contact with some of these experts, because I don't think I'm particularly in their league yet... but I could be. I remember being in Tony's classes and having him turn to me for some specific detail - he knew that I knew it, even if he had forgotten. Tony knows how to discuss Stephen King, for sure, but when it comes to raw detail, I used to be the best. I'm out of practice. Most of my novels are back at home (they take up more than one shelf downstairs!).

Even though my mind is supposedly past its prime for learning... I'm still hungry for knowledge. So maybe it's time to see how much knowledge I can transfer, from book via mind onto file. In these times, now that my education has been put on hold, the mental challenges are few and far between. How much can I remember - how much can I write about?

I guess, starting again tomorrow, we'll see. Until then, goodnight.

What's That, You Say? Write? Okay...

I think it was only yesterday in Twitter that I posted how Patton Oswalt will be writing a book instead of posting in his usual Myspace blog, and how maybe I should follow his example and return to my Stephen King Encyclopedia project. I opened up the files and looked at what I had - not much. I need to dig out Needful Things and keep working on the three distinct sections; there are gaps in the People entries, and Places and Things have little to nothing in them, just placeholders to keep the files there.

I also advised Patton, in a reply, to use the blogging as either a warm-up or a vent - the analogies I used were as hors d'oeuvres or after-dinner mints. Maybe I should really follow my own advice, eh? Keep writing here as either a warm-up to some serious research, or use it to cool off from having my nose stuck in a book too long.

Well, now I have more reason to write here... I'm being watched.

No. It's a good thing!

I used to be pretty hardcore into World of Warcraft - after all, it was where I met my Caseman. After my financial situation started breaking apart, I suspended my subscription - any money I could save, and I wasn't playing that much. WoW flows in waves sometimes... new content comes, everyone gets excited and servers get overloaded and laggy, things get analyzed and formulated, and soon enough you're leveling alts and wondering if there will be enough people to raid Karazhan.
Well, the newest expansion, Wrath of the Lich King, came out in stores today. The back-order list must be astonishing... but neither Case or I have bought it, for monetary reasons. The other, more subtle reasoning is that with this new content, servers will be more laggy than ever, and it will be bug central. We've already got ants in our room, we really don't need the bugs on our computer screens as well.
Anyway... I'm being watched by one of our old friends from our guild, Impetus! Despite that we haven't been able to access their forums, for some odd reason, we are still members, and we are missed. It may still be a little while before we're back online, but we will be back. Back for pwning.

In the meantime, I'm still trying to find a second job, filling out online applications left and right. No response as yet, but I'll keep doing it until I get results. And I'm going to keep my mind and wit sharp by continuing to write. And, whoever else may be watching... give me feedback!

Short One

1. Drama is a weed. No matter how hard you pull at it or curse at it, it still keeps coming back. Now if only I had some screenshots to show you what I'm talking about...
2. If you ever find that one particular site isn't connecting, check your HOSTS file.
3. I'm looking forward to the 50's style experience of the Sonic Burger drive-in stalls.
4. Case cut me some roses today.
5. Tea is good, but is it possible that my insomnia is linked to over-caffeination? Seems likely.
6. Whenever I get my own household, I want no brooding, unexplained anger. Tell me what's bugging you and we'll work it out, and no one else will be affected. It gets really bad here, especially when it comes to Case and his dad. When they're in that sort of mood, they're practically inapproachable.
7. Credit card bill is paid, again. It's going to be a while before it's paid in full, but at least I'm starting to recover some of the remaining balance.
8. Halloween is on Friday, and I still haven't gotten into the flour or found a rolling pin. At least my hair will be weird enough to play Mrs. Lovett (and who says it has to be absolutely like Helena Bonham Carter's? She was just one of many Mrs. Lovetts during the past fifty years. The version I saw with Ben Kingsley wore a white wig, IIRC).

The What-If's, Again

Thinking about the past can be comforting, but often it brings up questions that would be maddening. There will always be loose ends, unrequited feelings, mistakes. For all those little thoughts, there are the preceding words - "What if."

What if I had never fallen in love with Case? Would I have stayed with Miles? After that semi-slight from his family (I wasn't invited along to a family reunion-type thing down at Bar Harbor, although his bro's girlfriend was), and my own sacrifices (driving down to Massachusetts in the middle of the night with clean clothes so Miles could change at the hospital where his dad was suffering heatstroke), I seriously doubt it. Would I have stayed single after that? Maybe hooked up with another one of my close friends? If so, then it's very likely I would have stayed in Vermont, working, maybe going for my next degree.

Every guy that I've had an intimate/romantic connection with in the past tends to retain a fondness in my heart. This is true even for the ones who have upset me at certain points in the past. That is, to say, if I were to meet up with any of them right now, I would be friendly and warm and want to know everything about them since I left Vermont. This may be an upcoming situation - one man who was in love with me in college is coming to California within the next week or so, for work-related reasons. If he's within two hour's drive, I might try to find him. It wouldn't be much of an issue, save maybe for gas, since my work hours just keep getting cut (I'm pissed about that, by the way). If I find him, and I'm alone (which seems likely), what will I say? What will I do? Hopefully I would be as I said above - friendly, warm, and interested in the past year of his life. Hopefully I would not be scared shitless, as I said I would be if I heard the doorbell ring or see an antique car driving through this neighborhood.

I do what-ifs about intimate connections because part of my psyche is a little bored in my relationship with Case. I know that I can be a boring person, that I'm not always exciting when it comes to sex or romance, and I know these days I've been super-frugal. The idea of an affair, with a past flame, is both exciting and upsetting. I know that I would never do it - I'd rather break off my engagement (or all my fingers and toes) than cheat on Case. But the memories I hold, of years when I didn't have such moral strength, tend to provoke those kinds of ideas. Lucky, you might say, that I'm on the other side of the country from anyone that I would consider being intimate with - no temptations.

That I'm even talking about this stuff might raise a few eyebrows, put suspicion on my character. To even consider... c'mon, I'm no saint. Nuns and priests promise themselves to one being, and so can I. But I'm a writer with a fairly good memory, and the need to vent and get some possible perversions out of my head. Name one of my friends who hasn't had a fantasy about an ex or a flame or any sort of multimedia sex symbol (name anyone, for that matter), and I'll never talk to another man again. But you can't, can you? And if you could, that would make my guy friends very sad, especially the one who's going to be the man of honor at my wedding.

So no worries... just ideas, just what-ifs. Harmless ramblings. Get your mind out of the gutter and go to sleep.

Candlelight

Today was a productive day, if you can believe it. Case and I went to the Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf over on 10th, and finally spent the gift card I got from his folks last Christmas. I had some jasmine and green tea, Case had a vanilla latte, and I also bought some loose-leaf genmaicha green and a tea ball - it has a bumblebee on the end; the selection was limited, it was either bumblebee or ladybug, and they were supposed to have dragonflies but they must have been a popular choice.

After that, we cleaned up most of the common area of the house. The pool table is still covered with boxes, and a lot of Tucker's and Travis' stuff is sitting on the landing at the stairs, but for the most part, things are organized and/or clean.

My contributions - vacuuming the rugs, shaking out the door rug, washing out the cookie jar, consolidating some of Terri's boxes on the pool table, consolidating Audrey's toys into one corner of the living room, opening up the area in front of the fireplace (as the Stark's say, "Winter is Coming"), and dusting off the top of the television (it was a mess!).

Case's contributions - cleaning up most of the kitchen area; doing dishes, sweeping the kitchen floor, cleaning the fryer tray, cleaning countertops, taking out the trash.

Our room is the next target - I already took down most of the dishes, except for the plate I brought up tonight for my Hot Pockets. My little "barrier" between me and the door has mostly been eliminated as well, and a lot of my clothes are clean. However, my half of the desk top is a cluttered mess, as is most of the other flat surfaces in the room, so I imagine that'll be my project. And, of course, the rugs are covered with fragments of sunflower seed shells.

What else? Case broke his chair yesterday, now has two legs of five broken, pretty much useless unless he props it up with something. He's sitting in one of the spare dining room chairs now. Actually, at this very moment he's sleeping on the futon, with Kosmo curled up next to him. I know that as soon as I get in, Kosmo will shift himself and lie down on whichever arm is closest to the middle of the bed, depending on how I'm laying.

In the dark, lit only by my computer screen and a single scented candle, I think about secrets. I think about my conversations with my friend, how he's struggling to maintain some normalcy in his life. Because of the stress and strain, he's going to have to withdraw from his classes, and finish his credits next semester. He also has to move out of the place he's been staying - the apartment he was sharing with his girlfriend - to live with his dad, at least until he begins house-sitting over the winter.
But I started out with secrets... and I suppose one that is half a secret is that this friend has done some harmless flirting and winking with me online - that same sort of banter that happens between two people who've had a bit of a history, and are still good friends. Pretty rare, eh? Here's another thing to think about - when you see advertisements mentioning "no strings attached", you should have a good sense that it's too good to be true. That holds true with affairs as well - there will always be strings, always be some sort of guilt that will come and bite you in the ass later. I know this from my past experiences; that sort of guilt still raises its mournful head in my mind, making everything clench up like a fist. My friend expressed his interest in an NSA relationship; I'm sure he would like that with any of the girls he's been attracted to in the past, but in mentioning it to me, it strikes a particular chord.
For in the past, I would have been interested in one with him.
But the past is the past, and don't you forget it. Those days of open intimacy are over - I imagine that was as close to being a hippie as I could come, being in college and starting to live away from my parents' ideals. These days, I am much more blue-collar - I suppose there's something sad about that, not being as free or creative. But it's made up for the fact that I've found my soulmate, that I wear his ring with pride, that we will have our future together, with no strings necessary, save the ones that tie our hearts together.

I am devoted. I'm sympathetic to my friend's situation, but that particular confession of his has made me nervous. I suppose the distance between us is a good safety measure right now.

He also mentioned a friend of his, which set off a trigger in me. I had hung out with this friend of his from time to time - first met him when he was still happy in a relationship, but later were the times when I was on my own, with Case across the country, and I met up with the guy again. At first things were fine, but he was a psych student, and he tried to psychologically manipulate me into a more intimate situation. That enraged me... and I guess, after a while, I had forgotten, and blocked it out. The mention of his name set off that chilled, emotionless feeling in me - something close to dread, I guess - but I couldn't remember exactly why. After a few minutes, it came clearer to me. I also remembered that when I moved across the country, I had sent friendship invites back to most of the people who I had had issues with... but not this guy.
I looked up his profile and saw that he's in a relationship again. Looking at his open, gregarious face on his profile made me frown - how could such an innocent-looking guy make me feel so uncomfortable? With any luck, I will never encounter him again... or at the very least, I won't encounter him alone. The next time I'm back east, my love will be at my side - and the only way I'd be able to meet the creep would be in the presence of my good friend... and with those two good guys with me, what could go wrong?

Just Feel Like It

3:30 AM. Across the country, my mom is probably already up and getting ready for work. My uncle with cancer is resting, hopefully without too much pain. My cousins are getting their children ready for school in some cases, daycare in others. My fiance is snoring behind me, having fallen asleep to an episode of Star Trek: Voyager; his dad snores in the master bedroom, loud enough that I can hear it through his door. Outside the small window, Ripley is meowing to be let in off the garage roof - I tell her to bug Travis, because she managed to get on the roof through the hole in his screen, whilst ours is still intact. The letter I sent to my uncle is sitting in the mailbox near the house.

And I still feel like writing. For once in a long while, I feel like writing. I put pieces of my heart into that letter earlier in the afternoon, and was getting choked up near the end. Maybe - just maybe - I can keep in practice. Maybe I can pull myself out of this depressive rut.

Today I found out one of my closest guy friends had his girlfriend of over two years leave him. It was her fault - she told him she doesn't love him anymore, but I know that he still loves her. Part of him hopes that she'll come back, but his better judgment knows that won't be the case. I wish I could give him a hug, but he's all the way across the country. He was telling me about how he wishes he had someone to care about to sleep with (not sexually) in the empty bed; three years ago, that might have been me, but now everything has changed. I still wish I was over there, so I could take him out to tea at Dobra's, or play Smash Bros. Melee with him until our thumbs fell off. Or he and Case and I could talk Star Trek until our heads spun. My friend is holding up well, but he LOVED her, and she left him... it wasn't his fault that she was so screwed up.

When I was younger, I was screwed up too. Not enough to require anti-depressants, or psychiatric help... but I was screwed up. My morals were ambiguous in terms of relationships - basically I was a walking hormone. The second long-term relationship that I left was mostly because I didn't feel an emotional connection with the guy anymore. He was often very clinical, detached... he didn't want to talk things out, even though I knew we were having problems... he didn't want to hear about the problems I felt I was having. I went out searching for men I could connect with on an emotional level - and found plenty... and when I knew I had found someone who suited me better, I talked with my guy one last time, and we broke up for good. It hurt us both - just because he was more emotionally detached didn't mean that he didn't care about me, and I still felt a lot of love for him. But we're both well aware that it was for the best. We had started out as friends, on a much more intellectual level, and that continues to be how we are today. His personality has shaped mine in terms of humor and knowledge (I wouldn't have become such a hard-core gamer without him), but I'm still very emotional. Despite our differences, he was still very glad to see me visiting this past summer, and let me crash on his couch for several days.

My friend's situation isn't going to be so easily remedied. He comforts himself with the agreed fact that there was nothing he could have done to save things - he was himself, and a loving, attentive boyfriend. I'm well aware of how sweet and kind and fun he can be... and how someone would be able to give him up is beyond me. But she did. Her loss. All the plans they may have had once are now thrown into tangles... not sure how it's going to work, except I think she's moved out, and he has to go live with his folks because he can't afford the apartment alone. He'll be commuting an hour or so between classes and home... luckily he got a new car recently, so he should be able to manage it without fear of breakdown.

Goddamn it, I wish I was there. I wish I was back east, so I could be there for the people that really need me. My uncle Burl died - I wasn't there. My uncle Earl is dying - I'm not there. My friend needs a hug - I'm not there. My other friends and my parents miss me - and I'm stuck out in California, in the suburbs, getting pissed off at yappy dogs and car alarms and regular alarms and my work hours being cut. Stuck in this room because there isn't anywhere else to go, no one to hang out with except Case and his family (and his family isn't really my sort of social company), gaming and watching recorded TV and DVDs, trying to get my ass out of debt...

What happened to me? Where did that hopeful, diligent, creative young woman go? All the projects I was working on in college have fallen by the wayside. I've painted a few times, and drawn a few times, but when was the last time I really sang? Or danced? Why can't I find a good job that uses my talents? Why can't I make friends out here, after a year?

The past month or so has really taxed my sanity, I guess. Sickness, death, money issues... sometimes I've almost felt suicidal, wanting to end all the stress... but it's never been so serious. There's still too much hope for my future, for my life with my fiance, and so I heave myself out of another rut and trudge on towards that distant brightness.

One last note - Case has expressed genuine interest at naming one of our daughters B'Elanna. I am the luckiest geek girl ever. :)

47

What is it about that number, or numbers in general? With me, it's 8 or 19, with Case and his dad it's 5 and 23 and other combos like that, and then there's 42, the answer to everything. And there's 47.

I'm 23 now. I've been that way for over a month. Case gave me a bouquet of a dozen red roses, as well as the first season of Heroes. I also have my engagement ring and wedding ring. I wear them every day, except when I'm in the lab - I take them off and put them in the little jewel case, then put it in my lab coat pocket, to keep it safe with me. The rings are unique, irreplaceable. They belonged to his paternal grandmother, who let us inherit them on the condition that we pass them on to our daughter, should we have one. Amanda, Leanora, the faces of the future.

I haven't written nearly enough since I left college. The Stephen King project has fallen by the wayside. No new poetry, no new stories, and hardly any new blogs. I don't think this place is very fertile in terms of creativity. I don't feel that inspired here. And hell, I know Case hasn't drawn much since... I don't know, since we met. He and I were going to collaborate on a Dr. Who/Monk crossover, but that fell by the wayside too. He dreamed it, and Griff and I discussed it, but it never went anywhere.

I've started writing again because I saw that Cyrus had written in his blog. I don't check it anymore, but I was looking him up. Not necessarily because I wanted to communicate with him, but to make sure that he still existed. There's a deep-seated fear in me, ever since I last saw him, that I may have done damage beyond any repair... that I'm somehow going to find out from my parents that he committed suicide. Naturally, I would blame myself for being one of the factors. That may be a strange hubris on my part... but I still have the guilt. I usually don't think about it - it doesn't come up in my life that often. But five years ago, I screwed up his life. I tried to write it off in Ladystark's saga - Gretchen Stark, once Gretchen Aquitaine, turned undead, leaving behind her husband, Cyrion Stark. I tried to remember his bitterness in reality, and put it into Cyrion... not very well. I should work on that part, make it richer.
Love and Death change the lives of everyone they touch - in my case, I substituted one for the other, trying to reach a point where I could come to terms. And I almost did. In that written world, I did... but not always here.

My life has changed so much in five years. I would have not seen myself being here. Yet here I am, and will be for another year. I'll have to start taking care of the important things - insurance for my car, health appointments, wireless cards. All those things, and work on my quiet social phobia that keeps me in this room instead of out in the rest of the house, with the family. You can understand why I don't, made it clear in the last entry. But this ring seals them as my extended family, so maybe it's time I start accepting as such, as I did when my cousins got married.

And now, for random 47 facts:

On my birthday in 1947, there was a shipwreck off the coast of Greece that killed 392 people.
On this date (the 25th, when I started writing), the state of Prussia was abolished, and the worst train crash in Japan happened, killing 184 people (and that adds up to 13, if you didn't notice).
In 47 AD, the convert Paul began his evangelical work.
In 2047, in the Star Trek universe, parts of LA will fall into the sea from a horrible earthquake.
There are usually 47 strings on a harp.
47 is the atomic number of silver.
And, of course, the agent from Hitman is #47.

47 goodnights,
Grety

Quarantine

That title has a lot of ambiguity. Have I been quarantined? Do I need to be quarantined? Possibly both.

Today was a good day, though... I had a lot of dreams last night, and told them to Case when I could. This morning, I opened the lab, an event which tends to be pretty enjoyable because it means I can leave when the sun is still out. One of my coworkers tried to replace a bulb in the blocker, and dropped one of the plastic insulators into the machine. It took three women, an Allen wrench (you know, the little ones that fit inside the screws), a coat hanger, sticky block pads, and a screwdriver before I retrieved it. I got grease on my hands, and got triumphant, since after I fished the insulator out, I installed the bulb and it worked. And I got to go home at one, since business was so slow.

I even cooked today - sure, it was only couscous, but damn, it tasted good, and it felt good to be working in the kitchen again. If only I could have that sort of attitude and motivation more than one day in three months... It's the first time I cooked something with pans and heat and such since I was living alone.

Talking of loneliness brings us back to the subject of quarantine. I could say that I have been almost successfully quarantined from the social life I had back east. I wrote an e-mail to a bunch of friends, asking them to write or call, and only one responded to it - he's the one I talk to through AIM on a regular basis. I really don't talk to many other folks, except my family and my coworkers.

And Case's family? They may be the ones that I need to be quarantined from. Case and I both need to get out of this place, hopefully sooner rather than later. Because of the influence of this family, I've found my temper to be shorter, my frustration much more easily rising to the surface, and part of my faith has been sincerely challenged. I'm not talking so much about religious faith, since I'm agnostic, but rather the faith in the love that I hoped would be inherent between family members. It's all I've ever known, from my own personal experience. People I've encountered - friends, lovers, etc. - have had their own dysfunctions like divorce... but even then, the divide in the family still leaves two separate halves that maintain a strong bond.

But recently the friend I talk to regularly cut off all contact with his dad. I knew those two had been having trouble for a long time, and my friend still has a strong bond with his mother and his step-siblings. And hey, he's still a great guy, a kind person, always ready with a hug and reassurance.
Case's family is worse than I ever realized. Sometimes they work together just fine - but more often they're at each other's throats. Case and his dad really are the sanest two. His sister tends to be bipolar, often motherly but just as often lashing out at people who haven't been troubling; his middle brother has gotten in trouble with the law as well as with the rest of the family, and also tends to break most mechanical things he gets his hands on; and his youngest brother is nineteen, doesn't drive, and has serious possession/materialistic issues. And then there's his mother - she loves me, and always says so, but the rest of the family tends to be disgusted by her, and I can understand why. She is utterly dependent on the other members of the family to help get important things done, and makes excuses when she's called upon it. She's had various addictions all her life - the most recent two are smoking and late-night reality shows.
It's chaos. The lack of respect and love that I've seen has shocked me. And it brought me to the final conclusion, one that made me feel so much older than twenty-two - the dysfunctional family IS the norm, and families like mine, Miles', Nick's mom's, etc. are the exceptions. The people that live here seem to be united more by chance than by DNA... a bunch of short-tempered strangers that happen to live in the same building.

*sigh* This is the one of the few times I've really felt that part of my innocence has truly been lost. With the other issues like death and sex, it feels like the innocence is actually replaced by experience, but this is different. Like I said above, this is more like a challenge of my faith, of something that is part of my core being. And with that piece of my life lost, there's really nothing to fill it with.

I only know that Case and I keep each other sane. We can close the door (or at least keep it only a tad ajar, for ventilation and feline sakes) and not pay attention to the stupid shit that's happening outside. We can escape into World of Warcraft, or the humor of Codemonkeys or Psych, or the mysterious wonders of Star Trek or Dr. Who. When we have children, we're going to raise them in the ideal of family - love, support, order, humor, all the good things that work together to form solid bonds between parents and children.

And when we do those things, we will certainly not be here, in Palmdale. We'll have our own place, our own life, and it will be challenging... but it will be good.

Looking forward,
Grety

In a 70-Degree Lull

So... a long time since I've written here.

Case arrived, we got everything packed up in two trips. Then we drove out to Albany for the wedding rehearsal. I pretty much went along with whatever was going on, let my cousins shuffle me from one place to the other. Nothing went wrong, and I got made up really prettily. The wedding was lovely and short, although the receiving line was a little tedious - shaking the hands of people I'd never met before, and would never meet again. Then a few more pictures, and then FINALLY the reception.


Wedding receptions are great. Case and I danced and danced and danced. And then danced some more. We had to sit at separate tables for the meals, since I was in the bridal party and he was my guest; we visited each other, though, from time to time.

The time came for the bouquet and the garter... the first toss of the bouquet failed, since the person that picked it up was already married. So Nell had to retoss it... and I caught it! After that, Case was pretty much obligated to get the garter. DJ chaos then ensued, as Case put the garter on my leg - way up the thigh! - and then the DJ asked me to take the garter off, give him the bouquet, seat him down, and put the garter on his leg! So I did. We had a great time.

We visited my aunt briefly, the day after, and had breakfast. She and my uncle gave us money for our trip, which was really kind of them! We drove home, relaxed on Labor Day, then got new tires the day after, and headed out!

Our road trip took us through NY and to Canada on the first day. We were detained as we crossed over, because our friend James (yes, the one I've written about before) was our escort, he hadn't arrived, and I didn't know his last name! But after our car being searched, James showed up and showed us Niagara Falls. It's beautiful, even at night.

Day two took us through some of Canada, into Michigan, Indiana, and just over the border into Illinois. We were only slightly detained in re-entering the country - they just checked our trunk. We stayed at a budget inn in Joliet, IL, and had pizza for dinner. Day three was Illinois, Iowa, and most of Nebraska. I pushed Case to stop too quickly, and we ended up in a tiny town called Sutherland. The room we had was tiny, too. If we had gone a little further, we could have stayed in any number of hotels, but ah well.

Day four took us through the last of Nebraska, and into Colorado. By far, Colorado was my favorite state to pass through, even though my car doesn't handle the hills very well. But the first half was pretty fields like Nebraska, and the second half was gorgeous mountains. I drove all the way through Colorado, with Case snapping pictures. We ended up in Utah, stopping at a town called Beaver (haha, laugh it up) for the night. Case took us home on day five, through Utah, the corner of Arizona, Nevada, and finally into California. We arrived around four or five in the evening.

I'm not completely unpacked - we need some hangers.

Is this really home? No, not really. This place is too stressful to call home. It makes all my complaints about my own parents seem like chump change. At least with them I can escape, have my own privacy without people wanting to get stuff from my room. I get nagged, but never verbally abused... and I NEVER go apeshit on my parents or any other people in my family. And the dog gets to run around outside. And TiVo... I'm convinced that despite its features that save time, TiVo just makes people sit in front of the TV for longer and longer, watching the shows they recorded, long into the night.

At least I have my own tech - my computer, only slightly worse for wear from the trip; my new cell phone; and my new mp3 player, the Microsoft Zune. 30 gigabyte storage, and it also plays movies and shows pictures and picks up radio waves. My phone also takes pictures. I brought my DVDs and my PC games, so I have plenty of digital things to occupy my time... but I'm getting bored.

Luckily, I'm starting work on Monday. My place was saved for me long ago, when I established the transfer between South Burlington and Palmdale - Lenscrafters for the win. I'll be getting retail cross-training, too, so I've got a lot of promise ahead.

And there are two cats curled up in a pile on the futon that we sleep so badly upon. We really need a new bed. And our own place. But both those things will come in time. In the meantime, I'll be bowling soon, for the fun of it, with Case and Ryan and hopefully Ryan's girlfriend, Vanessa.

Quietly waiting,
Grety

He Is Coming

The title says it all. It's only a matter of hours.

And then there will never be the span of a continent between us again. NEVER.

Now I must sleep... if I can. NyQuil will probably help.

Ever his,
Grety

Breakdown

It always amazes me at how much capacity I have to cry. I've been that way since I was young, when I would cry if someone else was crying. That sort of open sympathy/empathy has long since been tempered with tact and control... but when I'm hurting, when something finally hits that last, aching nerve...

It bursts out. You know that feeling well. It's a wave of such misery and hopelessness and frustation, and it drowns everything until its energy is spent... and then I have to wash my face so that the redness is a bit more uniform. My eyes are green, very green, because of all the blood.

Why did I break down today? I suppose this has been building for a few days, when I was talking with my coworkers about whether I should ask my cousin for a picture of the shoes I should buy for the wedding. They all thought it was a good idea, and the best I could do under the circumstances (mainly, that they didn't have the store here that they bought the shoes from in Albany). I had this dark feeling, though - that I might be told that no, I have to call the place and order the shoes, that there was nothing they could do for me. And I was half-right - Stacey couldn't send me a picture, not even a cell phone pic, but she told me my cousin Corey was going to go for a Payless pair instead, and I said in my reply (which I CCed to Corey) that as soon as I could find out what Corey was buying, I would go out and buy them myself.

This morning, however, put all that decisiveness back down in the depths of my psyche. I got an e-mail saying that the dresses - all the dresses - still needed an alteration. This, after I spent so much money and time in getting the dress altered to fit me, and with only a few hours left in each day to spend outside of work or bed. I went to work, everything feeling heavy... and I knew I was starting to get a cold, too. I just felt hopeless... that all I was doing, such as it was, wasn't enough to get me through the process, to get me to the final product of a wonderful wedding for Nell.

I called my mom. I told her how I was feeling, and what was troubling me. She asked if she should talk to her sister, the mother of the bride, to see what options there were, and I said yes, I wanted as many options as I could get, to figure out what I needed to do. After that first call, I went into the bathroom and wept, with the door open. I didn't care who saw or heard. I cried, I washed my face, and went back in to work. My supervisor noticed, and could see that I was really distraught, but that I was trying to keep control. She told me to take a break, and gave me the offer (which I accepted) of leaving when one of my other coworkers came. I took a break, called Case, got a bit more of the stress out of me. After that call, I took some deep breaths and went back to work again, more calm. I became even more calm when Mom called me back, saying that things were going to be taken care of, that I had less to worry about, that things weren't as big of a deal as I was making them to be. I left at 2:30, and called my friend Joe, who has a kitten named Shyguy. He was home, so I went over and hung out with him and the kitten and their cat Kahn for a few hours.

I went back home at around 5:30, feeling pretty good. As I'm walking up the stairs, I get a Restricted call... odd. I picked it up, and it was my cousin Stacey - very odd, since I know I have a number of hers in my address book. Apparently she found out fairly quickly that I had been stressing out... but she offered me no comfort. Instead, she berated me for stressing out Nell and my aunt. She said that she understood that I had a lot going on right now, but so did they. She said that all she did during this time, getting ready for the wedding, was hound me to do things - true, that I forgot my checkbook at the bridal shower, and had to wait a while before I could get stamps to send the check and pay her back. But the rest... she kept saying that she wasn't trying to bitch at me, but that was exactly what she was doing.

As the conversation ended, and I closed my phone, a horrible, miserable groan escaped my throat. I didn't think I could cry more today, but I did. A lot more. I told my troubles on IM with Griffin, and then my friend Wes called. Between the two of them, I calmed down a little. I had called my mom and Case not long after Stacey called, so I could talk with them. When Mom called back, I told her what had gone on. She sympathized with me (she even used the f-word when talking about the last-minute alterations!). She said that she was sorry that she made things more complicated, but that she had been waiting for me to call her to ask for help - her friend had advised her to wait, instead of offering help, knowing that when I needed it, I would ask. She also thought, as I did, more along the lines that Nell's mom, her sister, could probably handle a lot more stress than Stacey was thinking.

Stacey is not always the easiest person to get along with - she's had fights with most of our cousins, even Nell, who's her best friend. She's Nell's Maid of Honor, and she's the one planning all this. I can't blame her for her stress... but I'm not happy in that she made me feel like I was ruining everything with my own stress. I may be an adult, over the 20-mark, but I'm a new adult. I've barely been living on my own, just out of college, just into the working world. I've got a huge move in less than two weeks, and a lot of business to finish up in this apartment before I go. My money is tight, and I've already spent over $300 on bridal prep (not to mention $150+ on prepping my car, and still more spending to come). And I'm by myself, in another state, and six years younger than she is, younger still than either Corey or Nell. I've got a lot of factors working against me in this, and she just doesn't seem to understand this.
When I don't know what I'm doing, I muddle through until I need help, and then I call for help. I can't help but think that even though I've been slow and hesitant about doing things, that I *have* been doing the right things. I got the dress alterations done in time. I brought veggies and dip to the bridal shower, and helped set things up and take things down, and handed out the bridal presents. I haven't been rude... just distant, and that's only natural, not just because of geography, but because I'm the youngest, and I find it hard to get along with the middle part of my generation - at the bridal shower, I spent more time with my mom's sisters than my cousins.

I'm doing the best I can, for the most part independently... and these days, it's hardly seemed good enough. I swear, it's only through Case's strength and love that I'm managing to get through days like this. My friendship with James has helped out, too - we both listen to each other's problems - and I think that deserves a visit on our way west. It's less than a week until Case's arrival - still a lot to do, and moving some things tomorrow, but I know I can make things work.

In the meantime, my nose is sniffly, and my upper lip is chapped. My eyes feel really dry from the workout they've gotten, and I'm emotionally exhausted, if not physically exhausted. But even after all this trouble and stress, I still have hope. The wedding will be good, the reception will be good... and then I'll be able to move on with my life, with the man I was meant to be with.

World-weary,
Grety

PS: One bright spot tonight was when I went downstairs to use the bathroom (we're out of toilet paper here, and Carolyn hasn't bought any - I'll be damned if I'm buying more). I looked and saw that I had a package from one of my other aunts! I brought it upstairs, and found a belated graduation card and gift. The gift was a silver necklace with an abalone shell pendant, shaped like a leaf. I put it on, and although the silver doesn't exactly go the best with Case's gold heart that I wear every day, the pendants are both displayed separately on my breastbone - they don't hit each other at all. I owe my Aunt LaDonna a very nice thank-you note - I almost cried from the fact that even through all of this prep for Nell, someone remembered, even though late, that I had done a lot recently in my own life. The timing, someone in my family showing that they cared about me and my endeavors, touched me deeply.

What My Eyes Behold

Yesterday, during my 5-hour make-up nap jag, I woke up from a dream about the Tenth Doctor and Jack Harkness, and me. I remember that Jack was examining the cuts on my hands, and he was actually tasting them to find out what caused them. At first I felt slightly aroused, but it deteriorated fast - as handsome as Jack is, I know he's a flirt and that it really was business rather than pleasure. In real life, there are a few cuts on my fingers, but not nearly as many as he was tasting.
The Doctor was going to have a dance competition. I beckoned him over and gave him a kiss on the cheek "for luck". I felt like Martha, because I knew that the love I felt for him wasn't going to be requited. I watched, from above, as The Doctor and his partner started out with great energy, and she was stumbling... but she regained control, she had skill, and he fell. As though my eyes were the camera's PoV, I could zoom in and see that The Doctor... was crying. There was a flurry of action, and I found The Doctor wrapped up in something. As I unwrapped his face, I saw that he had jowls, had gained weight somehow - a punishment. He tried to turn away from me, but I held onto his head and kissed his forehead, and cried a little for his own frustration and failure.
Later in the dream, The Doctor was restored to his geeky, cheekboned self. I was prepping a bunk-bed for him, and he clambered up there. Then he reached down and took one of my hands, then the other - crossed hands. His caresses... felt so real, and so comforting. When I woke up from that sleep, I felt so refreshed, renewed.

Today I saw someone at work who reminded me of Case. The same dark hair, the same sort of face, the same build - he was shorter, his nose was larger and a tad longer, and he wore a black baseball cap backwards on his head. His glasses looked like they had been mended with electrical tape. Yet he reminded me of Case so much that I had a struggle trying to not stare, and yet my eyes were always drawn to him. I hope he wasn't too creeped out... it really was beyond my control, so I was both saddened and relieved when Aline asked me to keep edging the lenses, away from the lab windows. It shows how much that I miss Case, and how much that I want to see him. When I told him about this, he was really flattered, said that I knew how to make a guy feel wanted, feel loved.

This all shows how starved I am for physical contact, especially from the man I love. I've been solitary for far too long - I know it's not going to continue for much longer, but even waiting for these days feels like torture. Tomorrow night will be a week before Case flies out here, Wednesday morning a week before he arrives. I still need to pack my little things that I won't be taking, and start sorting out what things I'd be willing to put in a give-away box in front of my building. It's laundry, shopping, and phone-call day tomorrow, too. So much to do, and I know I can do it fast, I just need to get my focus to that point and keep it there.

Wednesday night I should dismantle my speaker system so I can bring it home on Thursday. Yeah.

Planning ahead,
Grety