This may be the only place I can vent.
I roleplay on Twitter. At this point, I have four roles:
Jean Pierce - basically an extension of me, from February on, who has joined the crew of the NX-01 Enterprise as their ship's counselor. She is telepathically tied to the Twitter network, and has a few other tricks up her sleeve as well.
Lucio - Jean's bioluminescent centipede. He has been created twice (I'll explain why in a minute), and is used for interactions with Jean, and any other people she may have in her quarters, especially if she's having concerts.
Hoshi Sato from the Mirror Universe - A little self-explanatory, if you know the "In a Mirror, Darkly" episodes. So far, since this is set before IAMD, she hasn't done much except monitor the com a few time, and seducing Captain Forrest.
Naomi Wildman - The little human-Ktarian hybrid from Voyager. She is fun to play, because I can be imaginative and think of things from a child's perspective.
Now, the problem: there was a person that I befriended when I was just starting out with Jean. He was the original player of Lucio, as well as the time agent, Daniels. He also uses his RL account as a sort of RL/RP hybrid, the way I did at the beginning before making Jean fully RP. Now, I'm going to be honest here... he was a good friend for a good while. I shared bits and pieces of my life with him, without worrying about it. I suppose he did the same, to an extent. I also helped him with editing his tweets, both in RL and in RP, in order for him to express things properly, in the right context, without spoilers, etc.
During the course of our friendship, he has gotten into fights with other RPers, mainly in the Doctor Who RP group (which I used to follow more closely myself). I tried to keep him calm throughout that, tried to help him control what he would say to people, if only to keep the situation from getting more volatile. He thanked me profusely for that, and even called me an angel once in conversation. I was glad to keep the situation from escalating too far.
However... as plotlines and such started showing up, he began making big fusses over little details. He would often chat with me in AIM, jumping in with something that somebody I wasn't following had said, and would expect me to give him advice on the situation. Most of the time, I would advise him not to say anything, not to start drama. I suppose that got tiring for me for a while, since it seemed like half our conversations were about that sort of thing. So I was blunt at one point, and suggested that maybe he liked getting into those kinds of situations. He was immediately offended that I even suggested such a thing.
Then came the plot point, almost insignificant in terms of moving the plot along, that just ruined everything. I could explain it out again, but it would be a waste of words... basically, it was a misunderstanding that he felt the need to comment on, both in-character and in DMs. I was overwhelmed and somewhat upset by his reaction, and so shared it with the woman who leads the Enterprise RP.
Later there came a flood of e-mails... e-mails which basically put all the blame on me, asking me to look from his perspective, demanding that I apologize or stop talking to him. I shared some of the content of these e-mails with some RP friends, because it upset me, made me furious. They, of course, sympathized (after all, they wouldn't have wanted any friend of theirs treated like that). I decided, since I was getting so upset, and that any attempt at response would only end up with more vitriol... so I stopped talking to him.
All of this started back in late April. The fuss, the e-mails... they haven't stopped. They don't come in every day, but they are STILL coming. I've set up a filter so they go straight to the Trash... but I end up checking the Trash a lot anyway, just for that purpose. I guess it keeps me from feeling too bad when I don't see his name in my inbox.
He has left the Enterprise RP, deleted both Daniels and Lucio. I brought Lucio back in a new account (he had some commentary on THAT, too), and Daniels was negotiated to go to the player who does T'Pol.
He's now angry at the friends that I vented to, saying that what I had been doing was talking behind his back. They don't see it like that - they see that I was upset, that he had been saying these things to me, and I needed someone to talk to about it. And I did do more than talk... I guess, to really push the point home, I copy-pasted, so they could actually *see* what he was saying to me. They saw why I was upset, and sympathized. Because they sympathized, he says that I turned them against him, that he really liked them and wanted to keep talking to them. My friends tell me that he rarely talked to them at all, and since he had left the RP, they unfollowed him on their RP accounts because he wasn't really there anymore. One of my friends - I met with her lately - got a lot of nasty e-mails from him because she was honest, telling him that it was because of the RP, not for any personal reasons... but he didn't believe her. I feel so bad that she was brought into this so deep - I didn't want her to go through the same shit I did.
Now, here's really why I'm venting, and this time I did *NOTHING* wrong. Nothing at all.
The Voyager RP group has been barely started up these past couple of weeks, and they needed more members. So I created Naomi. Today was her first day out. I tried to follow everyone from Voyager, and had a great time playing a little girl, playing kadis-kot with Shara (a non-canon Orion). Then I got called into work, so I left, for about two or three hours.
Later I came back, RPed some more with Shara and B'Elanna, then sent Naomi to bed. It wasn't until I checked my Trash more closely that I realized that the guy (who also followed Voyager RP) had followed Naomi, said hi to her while I was gone (and since he wasn't really a Voyager RPer, I hadn't followed him), and I hadn't seen it in my Replies feed. So basically he thought I was ignoring him on purpose, and now has sent a nice vitriolic e-mail to me and the leader of the Enterprise RP (why, I don't really know, she has nothing to do with this). Finding this new e-mail in my Trash, I started the shakes - when I get to a certain point of emotional upset, I start trembling like mad. There was a bad time when he had threatened to bring back Daniels to kick my friend's RP character off the ship because she had stayed too long... that time, I made the whole desk shake.
So... I sent an OOC out from Naomi, apologizing to *anyone* who might be replying to me that I didn't see, saying I was getting used to the character, and really only following Voyager crew members. Tomorrow, I've decided I'll RP her finding his message and apologizing because she had been so busy cleaning her room - I think that he's taking offense way too easily, and I don't want to cause troubles in this RP. The least I can do is to try to ease the drama away with in-character dialogue.
But... the leader of the Enterprise RP is well aware of this guy and his problems. I told her what was going on... told her how it started... she's talked with him, reprimanded him for bringing his own agenda into his RP characters (he hated being told that, too)... she's trying to ask him exactly what he wants, and that's stymying him a bit... I've apologized to her, too, for bringing her into this, and she's reassured me that it's okay, that she's dealt with people like this before. However, she's also warned me that this will probably carry over to the Voyager RP... and it has. Goddamn it.
I'm just so frustrated with all this! If I respond to him, I'll only get more shit thrown at me. If I keep my silence, I'll still get shit thrown at me. I can't win. I... I think some of the worst of it is that he says ALL THIS SHIT in huge waves, and then expects me to take it in stride and talk it out. That's not how it works! When I get e-mails like that, I get upset. I get mad. I look at them, and I say to myself - "I would never say stuff like this to someone that I used to consider as a friend, even if things *were* really bad..."
Stuff like this:
"See, no matter what I do, I'm wrong. I bring it up in several ways, I'm wrong. I try to talk it over with Grety, I'm wrong (hell I'm /always/ wrong when I bring /anything/ up with her, what else is new? This seems to be an ongoing thing and it's totally wrecked our friendship)"
"Our so-called friendship (if ever it could be called that) is pretty much fucked. It's over. it's /been/ over for a while. It's not the same and it never could be. There's no going back there, as much as I'd like it."
"Now you tell me what the hell I'm supposed to do /but/ leave because /clearly/ that would solve everything. Since you got me into this, how about you get me out of it? That's only fair. I have all night because obviously I'm not going anywhere. You created this problem, now YOU
solve it."
"Now you know why I don't have female friends. i haven't found any who I've deemed trustworthy. All of them have used or manipulated me in some way and you're certainly no different, are you? I thought I could talk to you (and trust you), but you went from "You can talk to me about anything" to "no you're wrong" almost every time I bring something up. If it's not something you're conscious of doing (as you claim) then it's clearly something in life you're taking out on me. (Why should I feel shocked, because everyone else does it, why not you too?)"
"You have /no reason/ to be mad at me, or upset with me, or anything because YOU CREATED THIS PROBLEM ALL BY YOURSELF. Not me. I've already admitted wrongdoing and corrected it. If simply pointing out /your/ (& EntAllat's) wrongdoing makes you both hate me so much, then there's a question you have to ask yourselves: Why do you take such offence at being corrected? Why can you not simply admit your fault in this and MOVE ON?"
The latter two paragraphs were ones after I had responded to him in an e-mail saying, "Yes, it's fucked, you say you didn't want it to be yet you're the one still yelling at me, solve your own problems, I'm done, I'm shutting the fucking door". And I left it at that. I've been trying to move on for almost a month now, but he still keeps yelling at me. He just doesn't. Fucking. Stop. He's in his thirties, in another country, and he's still yelling at me... it just doesn't seem like it should be happening. It's like teenage drama.
I joined this RPing to have fun. I made friends in Enterprise, Voyager, and a few other universes as well. I met one of those friends in real life last Thursday, and we had a blast in Hollywood. Yet there is this one person who is ruining my fun. Case keeps telling me to not let it get to me... but it's so hard.
I'm not perfect. I have my flaws. I don't have the best social skills all the time. But I try to be nice to people as much as I can. When I make friends, I want to keep them. And if I get angry... I try not to lash out immediately, I try to have self-control. I think about how what I say will affect the other person, and try to get my point across without hurting anyone. However, I also try to be honest to my friends... if I think that they're doing something stupid, I will tell them that. I try not to sugar-coat, because that would be like lying to keep them happy.
I've stopped shaking now. I've vented a bit, and although I'm still upset, I feel more in control. If this is talking behind his back, then his back is huge - I'm announcing all this to strangers, whoever might be stumbling across my journal in their journey to find some good reading material. But it's not like I can just ignore what he's saying to me - I don't work like that. I need to express my frustrations somehow... Case has heard it all before, so he's telling me not to get so worked up. It seems like venting to friends won't work either. So now I'm just venting to a computer screen, and whatever aliens might be out there monitoring my madness.
I never have hated him. He abused me verbally, abused my friends verbally... but I haven't hated him. I feel sorry for him, that he feels that this way is the only way for him to act. He has troubles of his own, but it seems that the only way he can deal with them is taking them out on us.
And now... he's sent one last e-mail. The guy he's been in love with for a while has now cut him out of his life, too. He's decided to abandon the whole vendetta thing, tells me I can vent all I want. He still doesn't think he's said anything wrong, but he's done caring what I think.
Can I help but feel relieved? When it all comes down to it... having him not care anymore means that he won't be yelling at me anymore. For now, at least.
I will try my best to patch things a little with Naomi - that was all a misunderstanding. I don't want to fight. I never have. It's just been emotionally exhausting, all the time.
I'm looking over all that I've written and pasted here... seeing my frustration go up, peak, and then go back down... that's really how it works for me. I don't feel so angry anymore. Just tired. And just a little hopeful, maybe I can fix a few small things after all.
Saturday, May 23, 2009
Sunday, January 18, 2009
The Final Arcana
And now, the last of it... distractions, distractions...
15 - Devil
My life - Haley23
Persona games - President Tanaka (3), Sayoko Uehara (4)
The Devil is all about temptation. With Tanaka, you are tempted to focus on money and swindling people out of it. With Sayoko, she tries to seduce you, having a flirtatious attitude in past and present. Haley23 is a denizen of a game room that I frequent - there is precedent to having a social link be a virtual person; that would be Maya, the Hermit link from Persona 3. Haley23 is supposedly a 14-year-old girl, who apparently has body issues, and claims to love every boy in the room. She is my temptation - she makes me want to act ten years younger than I am, with my adult vocabulary. She also makes me want to rip her hair out, or melt her keyboard. Yet despite these temptations, she is fascinating, and she may actually be a good person on the other side of the screen... but who can tell?
16 - Tower
My life - My parents
Persona games - Mutatsu (3), Shyuu Nakajima (4)
I have yet to meet Shyuu in-game, so my basis for the Tower arcana is through Mutatsu. He is a gruff, rather pessimistic monk that the Protagonist meets in a bar. He is a giver of tough love; he has made mistakes, has thought about them, and eventually is able to pass on advice. My parents are rather far away from me right now, and they have a lot of tough love for me, but they are also very kind, sending me goodies and news from home. Eventually, like Mutatsu and his family, we'll reconcile and start a new relationship, as equals.
17 - Star
My life - Audrey Miller
Persona games - Mamoru Hayase (3), Teddie (4)
Mamoru is a star of the rival track team, and Teddie is your main contact from the TV world. Both are bright, hopeful individuals. Teddie is closer in personality to Audrey, in that at first meeting, both he and she are hard to understand - Teddie's weird, and Audrey is less than two years old. However, during the course of time, each one grows and becomes much more dynamic individuals. My niece-to-be is adorable, a little fussy, but still a bundle of fun. The Star is only a depressing card in that a star will eventually fall - in Audrey's case, the only disappointment is that her innocence as a child will eventually fade away, once she grows up. Right now, though, she's a cute handful.
18 - Moon
My life - Theresa St. John
Persona games - Nozomi Suemitsu (3), Ai Ebihara (4)
The Moon arcana is all about illusions. Nozomi has the illusion of indulging in both overeating and a religious cult, while hiding inner sibling issues. Ai is a materialistic individual, who often has shallow reactions, but is holding past weight and pressure issues inside. My future mother-in-law loves me dearly, and can be very sweet, but she also has an addictive personality, and tends to be quite lazy and lax about household duties. She smokes, watches reality TV late into the night, and has weight issues and type 2 diabetes. She has also had issues with alcoholism and physical abuse in the past - since my upbringing was pretty idyllic, the thought that my love had to deal with this sort of thing in the past is scary, especially since Terri is mostly harmless these days. I can only hope that if something DOES happen, it will allow her to shed some of the addictive practices and become a more normal person.
19 - Sun
My life - Joseph Larose
Persona games - Akinari Kamiki (3), Yumi Ozawa (4), Ayane Matsunaga (4)
The Sun is a symbol of clarity and redemption - Akinari accepts his dying fate, and becomes redeemed; Yumi accepts her father's abandonment and death; and Ayane accepts that she has great musical potential, despite not playing the instrument she wanted. Joe is not always a ray of sunshine for me, but we have always had a lot of common ground, even with some sexual tension. These days, he reminds me of the good, geeky times we had, and flirts with me online. He also uses me as a sounding board when it comes to relationships (this is not limited to him, for I've helped others, too), and hopefully through my feedback, he finds a way to redeem himself in his own heart. There is no doubt in my mind that I'll be glad to see him again when I come home.
20 - Judgment
My life - Our marriage
Persona games - Nyx Annihilation Team (3), Alliance of Truth Seekers (4)
In the games, the teams once represented by the Fool Arcana eventually cap, then are reformed into teams represented by the Judgment Arcana. In my life, the next natural step in our engagement is our marriage. We will form a much stronger bond, and be legally recognized as a couple, beyond any doubt. This will happen when we are back east, when we have finally begun to live on our own, and stand on our feet - we will find a new form of freedom.
21 - World/Aeon
My life - Our future children
Persona games - Aigis (3)
The World is a culmination of all the other Arcanas. In the Persona games, it is usually the force which allows the Protagonist to defeat the final boss of the game; it is also the hidden arcana that represents Aigis' social link, if the right ending is chosen. Aigis has this arcana because when it begins, she is finally becoming more human, exploring her emotions and making her own decisions. For Case and I, our children will be the culmination of our journey that we started in the beginning. It is the end of our cycle, and the beginning of a new cycle of growth, for the little ones that we will raise together. The thought of this, of all these arcanas leading up to this, gives me great hope for my future as an individual, as a fiancee, as a wife, and as a mother.
So, those are the Arcana!
One last note: in perusing the Arcanas, I was considering which I might be as an individual. I came to the conclusion that I was the Priestess: quiet, intuitive, knowledgeable, and mysterious. I also have similar personalities to Fuuka, Yukiko, and Ripley (yes, I know it's hard to gauge a cat's personality, but bear with me, we're very much alike).
And now, back to your regularly scheduled (ha!) posts about my life.
15 - Devil
My life - Haley23
Persona games - President Tanaka (3), Sayoko Uehara (4)
The Devil is all about temptation. With Tanaka, you are tempted to focus on money and swindling people out of it. With Sayoko, she tries to seduce you, having a flirtatious attitude in past and present. Haley23 is a denizen of a game room that I frequent - there is precedent to having a social link be a virtual person; that would be Maya, the Hermit link from Persona 3. Haley23 is supposedly a 14-year-old girl, who apparently has body issues, and claims to love every boy in the room. She is my temptation - she makes me want to act ten years younger than I am, with my adult vocabulary. She also makes me want to rip her hair out, or melt her keyboard. Yet despite these temptations, she is fascinating, and she may actually be a good person on the other side of the screen... but who can tell?
16 - Tower
My life - My parents
Persona games - Mutatsu (3), Shyuu Nakajima (4)
I have yet to meet Shyuu in-game, so my basis for the Tower arcana is through Mutatsu. He is a gruff, rather pessimistic monk that the Protagonist meets in a bar. He is a giver of tough love; he has made mistakes, has thought about them, and eventually is able to pass on advice. My parents are rather far away from me right now, and they have a lot of tough love for me, but they are also very kind, sending me goodies and news from home. Eventually, like Mutatsu and his family, we'll reconcile and start a new relationship, as equals.
17 - Star
My life - Audrey Miller
Persona games - Mamoru Hayase (3), Teddie (4)
Mamoru is a star of the rival track team, and Teddie is your main contact from the TV world. Both are bright, hopeful individuals. Teddie is closer in personality to Audrey, in that at first meeting, both he and she are hard to understand - Teddie's weird, and Audrey is less than two years old. However, during the course of time, each one grows and becomes much more dynamic individuals. My niece-to-be is adorable, a little fussy, but still a bundle of fun. The Star is only a depressing card in that a star will eventually fall - in Audrey's case, the only disappointment is that her innocence as a child will eventually fade away, once she grows up. Right now, though, she's a cute handful.
18 - Moon
My life - Theresa St. John
Persona games - Nozomi Suemitsu (3), Ai Ebihara (4)
The Moon arcana is all about illusions. Nozomi has the illusion of indulging in both overeating and a religious cult, while hiding inner sibling issues. Ai is a materialistic individual, who often has shallow reactions, but is holding past weight and pressure issues inside. My future mother-in-law loves me dearly, and can be very sweet, but she also has an addictive personality, and tends to be quite lazy and lax about household duties. She smokes, watches reality TV late into the night, and has weight issues and type 2 diabetes. She has also had issues with alcoholism and physical abuse in the past - since my upbringing was pretty idyllic, the thought that my love had to deal with this sort of thing in the past is scary, especially since Terri is mostly harmless these days. I can only hope that if something DOES happen, it will allow her to shed some of the addictive practices and become a more normal person.
19 - Sun
My life - Joseph Larose
Persona games - Akinari Kamiki (3), Yumi Ozawa (4), Ayane Matsunaga (4)
The Sun is a symbol of clarity and redemption - Akinari accepts his dying fate, and becomes redeemed; Yumi accepts her father's abandonment and death; and Ayane accepts that she has great musical potential, despite not playing the instrument she wanted. Joe is not always a ray of sunshine for me, but we have always had a lot of common ground, even with some sexual tension. These days, he reminds me of the good, geeky times we had, and flirts with me online. He also uses me as a sounding board when it comes to relationships (this is not limited to him, for I've helped others, too), and hopefully through my feedback, he finds a way to redeem himself in his own heart. There is no doubt in my mind that I'll be glad to see him again when I come home.
20 - Judgment
My life - Our marriage
Persona games - Nyx Annihilation Team (3), Alliance of Truth Seekers (4)
In the games, the teams once represented by the Fool Arcana eventually cap, then are reformed into teams represented by the Judgment Arcana. In my life, the next natural step in our engagement is our marriage. We will form a much stronger bond, and be legally recognized as a couple, beyond any doubt. This will happen when we are back east, when we have finally begun to live on our own, and stand on our feet - we will find a new form of freedom.
21 - World/Aeon
My life - Our future children
Persona games - Aigis (3)
The World is a culmination of all the other Arcanas. In the Persona games, it is usually the force which allows the Protagonist to defeat the final boss of the game; it is also the hidden arcana that represents Aigis' social link, if the right ending is chosen. Aigis has this arcana because when it begins, she is finally becoming more human, exploring her emotions and making her own decisions. For Case and I, our children will be the culmination of our journey that we started in the beginning. It is the end of our cycle, and the beginning of a new cycle of growth, for the little ones that we will raise together. The thought of this, of all these arcanas leading up to this, gives me great hope for my future as an individual, as a fiancee, as a wife, and as a mother.
So, those are the Arcana!
One last note: in perusing the Arcanas, I was considering which I might be as an individual. I came to the conclusion that I was the Priestess: quiet, intuitive, knowledgeable, and mysterious. I also have similar personalities to Fuuka, Yukiko, and Ripley (yes, I know it's hard to gauge a cat's personality, but bear with me, we're very much alike).
And now, back to your regularly scheduled (ha!) posts about my life.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Major Arcana, Part 2
Sorry for the delay - some of my creative energy has been going towards a story that keeps spinning out of my head. It involves the protective figure, Shiisaa (also spelled Shisa), which looks like a lion or dog with a human face and teeth. Shiisaa, incidentally, is in the Hierophant Arcana in both Persona 3 and 4.
So, back to the Arcanas:
8 - Justice
My life - Missony Cardenas
Persona games - Ken Amada (3), Chihiro Fushimi (3), Nanako Dojima (4)
The Justice Arcana seems to be associated with youthful, quiet figures in the Persona games. It's true enough that Missony is a little younger than I am, and has quite a quiet demeanor. However, placing him as Justice almost seemed premature or weak... I guess because it was hard to tie him to the immaturity that Ken, Chihiro, and Nanako all represent. But turning to the original interpretations helps - Justice is about rationality, objectivity, and clear vision. Those terms tend to fit Missony very well.
9 - Hermit
My life - Tucker St. John
Persona games - Jin Shirato (3), Maya (Ms. Toriumi)(3), The Fox (4)
Tucker insists that the Hermit does not represent him well - he prefers Magician, or the Devil Arcana (which will wait until next time). However, Tucker does tend to withdraw from society more often than not, as the Fox has withdrawn to the shrine in town - his means of joining society tend to be limited to the online connections, just like Maya and Innocent Sin. Like Jin, he is very tech-savvy. He can be very intelligent, although he tends to focus on more trivial things. The Hermit warns that withdrawing completely from society can be dangerous, and that may be Tucker's case as well... if he doesn't grow up, he may stay in this house forever.
10 - Fortune
My life - Daniel Griffin (Griff)
Persona games - Takaya Sakaki (3), Keisuke Hiraga (3), Naoto Shirogane (4)
The wheel turns, and where do you go when you're the one sitting on it? Takaya went from trying to protect Tartarus to revelling in how its fall brought Nyx to the world. Keisuke had to decide what he wanted to do with his life - the side-project of artistic endeavor, or following in his father's footsteps. And Naoto had to come to terms with what she was and what she wasn't, deciding to live her life for herself rather than her ideal self. So how does Griff fit into this? Like Takaya, he can be very relaxed in manner, and very persuasive. Like Keisuke, he has many talents, but has not yet decided as to what fits him perfectly, and he has to deal with his father's shadow. Unlike Naoto, Griff is very content with what he is, but an interesting point is the fact that Naoto was a girl playing herself off as a guy; what kind of attractions did she have, if any? Did she like both sexes? Because Griff does, and that is one of many things that makes him unique.
11 - Strength
My life - Sherry Green
Persona games - Koromaru (3), Yuko Nishiwaki (3), Kou Ichijo/Daisuke Nagase (4)
All three or four characters in the games are tough cookies, for sure - Koromaru defeated a Shadow completely on his own before he was recruited to SEES, Yuko is athletic and a leader, and Kou and Daisuke both lead their respective sports teams. Through my time with Sherry, it seems like she has had a tough (possibly urban) upbringing, but she is much stronger because of it. If I needed someone's ass kicked, I would surely turn to her, not only because of her physical prowess (she may be short, but she is SOLID), but because she has weapons and she knows how to use them. Although she can have shortcomings (forgetful sometimes, talks to herself a lot), she is very much a rock or a pillar in our lab.
12 - Hanged Man
My life - Kozmo
Persona games - Chidori Yoshino (3), Maiko (3), Naoki Konishi (4)
Like Missony, this was rather a rushed decision for Kozmo's placement. I guess that the main motivation for connecting him as such is due to his inaction, which is what the other three characters share with him. Chidori is Strega's support system and healer, so she is much more of a passive player in their game. Maiko is only a child, so she is a passive observer in her parents' divorce, but becomes more active as time goes by. Naoki is dealing with the attention that came after his sister's death, and is having a hard time getting past it. Kozmo is, by far, the laziest cat I've seen, who tends to meow at you to let him out from the other side of the room. He even looks back at you when you see how much he's eating from the dish. There is also a connection of sacrifice to him - in the future, when Case and I leave here, we will have to leave Kozmo behind, because we would not want him to be separated from Ripley.
13 - Death
My life - My inner self
Persona games - Pharos (3), Ryoji Mochizuki (3), Hisano Kuroda (4)
No, I am not dying. Death, in these cases, are not so much about physical death, but the actual change that comes from within in the presence of death. Pharos is a being inside the Protagonist's mind (and body), Ryoji is a harbinger of the Fall of the world, and Hisano is a woman in mourning clothes after her husband's death. My inner self is a naysayer, one that imagines the worst possible scenarios, almost bringing me to tears - in fact, many of those scenarios tend to involve me or a loved one dying. I guess part of that is the unknown - what will happen to the one I love when he or she dies? Where will that soul go? And what will happen to me when I die? Is there a place beyond this? These are questions that my inner self tends to ask, especially when I'm trying to get to sleep. But even if the ideas and questions upset me, they are only part of a cycle of problems and solutions, and when I wake I might be provoked to do something about them.
14 - Temperance
My life - Nick Husher
Persona games - Andre Roland Jean Gerard (Bebe) (3), Eri Minami (4)
Both Bebe and Eri tend to be people trying to find balance in their situations. Nick may achieve that balance a lot in his life (it's harder to tell now, since I'm on the other side of the country), but it always shifts one way or another, so he has to find balance again. Like Bebe, he is very creative, and can get very excited about what he does; that's one of the things I find endearing about him. Like Eri, he can be very detached about the world and relationships, sometimes putting distance between himself and those who care about him. Still, he always manages to find balance again. One interesting note - Nick was against me moving out here to California, and he may have had a good reason to be. Trying to find my balance here, between social and solitude, between work and play, has been hard... I'm not even sure if I'll be able to.
Next time - All the rest, 15 - 21
So, back to the Arcanas:
8 - Justice
My life - Missony Cardenas
Persona games - Ken Amada (3), Chihiro Fushimi (3), Nanako Dojima (4)
The Justice Arcana seems to be associated with youthful, quiet figures in the Persona games. It's true enough that Missony is a little younger than I am, and has quite a quiet demeanor. However, placing him as Justice almost seemed premature or weak... I guess because it was hard to tie him to the immaturity that Ken, Chihiro, and Nanako all represent. But turning to the original interpretations helps - Justice is about rationality, objectivity, and clear vision. Those terms tend to fit Missony very well.
9 - Hermit
My life - Tucker St. John
Persona games - Jin Shirato (3), Maya (Ms. Toriumi)(3), The Fox (4)
Tucker insists that the Hermit does not represent him well - he prefers Magician, or the Devil Arcana (which will wait until next time). However, Tucker does tend to withdraw from society more often than not, as the Fox has withdrawn to the shrine in town - his means of joining society tend to be limited to the online connections, just like Maya and Innocent Sin. Like Jin, he is very tech-savvy. He can be very intelligent, although he tends to focus on more trivial things. The Hermit warns that withdrawing completely from society can be dangerous, and that may be Tucker's case as well... if he doesn't grow up, he may stay in this house forever.
10 - Fortune
My life - Daniel Griffin (Griff)
Persona games - Takaya Sakaki (3), Keisuke Hiraga (3), Naoto Shirogane (4)
The wheel turns, and where do you go when you're the one sitting on it? Takaya went from trying to protect Tartarus to revelling in how its fall brought Nyx to the world. Keisuke had to decide what he wanted to do with his life - the side-project of artistic endeavor, or following in his father's footsteps. And Naoto had to come to terms with what she was and what she wasn't, deciding to live her life for herself rather than her ideal self. So how does Griff fit into this? Like Takaya, he can be very relaxed in manner, and very persuasive. Like Keisuke, he has many talents, but has not yet decided as to what fits him perfectly, and he has to deal with his father's shadow. Unlike Naoto, Griff is very content with what he is, but an interesting point is the fact that Naoto was a girl playing herself off as a guy; what kind of attractions did she have, if any? Did she like both sexes? Because Griff does, and that is one of many things that makes him unique.
11 - Strength
My life - Sherry Green
Persona games - Koromaru (3), Yuko Nishiwaki (3), Kou Ichijo/Daisuke Nagase (4)
All three or four characters in the games are tough cookies, for sure - Koromaru defeated a Shadow completely on his own before he was recruited to SEES, Yuko is athletic and a leader, and Kou and Daisuke both lead their respective sports teams. Through my time with Sherry, it seems like she has had a tough (possibly urban) upbringing, but she is much stronger because of it. If I needed someone's ass kicked, I would surely turn to her, not only because of her physical prowess (she may be short, but she is SOLID), but because she has weapons and she knows how to use them. Although she can have shortcomings (forgetful sometimes, talks to herself a lot), she is very much a rock or a pillar in our lab.
12 - Hanged Man
My life - Kozmo
Persona games - Chidori Yoshino (3), Maiko (3), Naoki Konishi (4)
Like Missony, this was rather a rushed decision for Kozmo's placement. I guess that the main motivation for connecting him as such is due to his inaction, which is what the other three characters share with him. Chidori is Strega's support system and healer, so she is much more of a passive player in their game. Maiko is only a child, so she is a passive observer in her parents' divorce, but becomes more active as time goes by. Naoki is dealing with the attention that came after his sister's death, and is having a hard time getting past it. Kozmo is, by far, the laziest cat I've seen, who tends to meow at you to let him out from the other side of the room. He even looks back at you when you see how much he's eating from the dish. There is also a connection of sacrifice to him - in the future, when Case and I leave here, we will have to leave Kozmo behind, because we would not want him to be separated from Ripley.
13 - Death
My life - My inner self
Persona games - Pharos (3), Ryoji Mochizuki (3), Hisano Kuroda (4)
No, I am not dying. Death, in these cases, are not so much about physical death, but the actual change that comes from within in the presence of death. Pharos is a being inside the Protagonist's mind (and body), Ryoji is a harbinger of the Fall of the world, and Hisano is a woman in mourning clothes after her husband's death. My inner self is a naysayer, one that imagines the worst possible scenarios, almost bringing me to tears - in fact, many of those scenarios tend to involve me or a loved one dying. I guess part of that is the unknown - what will happen to the one I love when he or she dies? Where will that soul go? And what will happen to me when I die? Is there a place beyond this? These are questions that my inner self tends to ask, especially when I'm trying to get to sleep. But even if the ideas and questions upset me, they are only part of a cycle of problems and solutions, and when I wake I might be provoked to do something about them.
14 - Temperance
My life - Nick Husher
Persona games - Andre Roland Jean Gerard (Bebe) (3), Eri Minami (4)
Both Bebe and Eri tend to be people trying to find balance in their situations. Nick may achieve that balance a lot in his life (it's harder to tell now, since I'm on the other side of the country), but it always shifts one way or another, so he has to find balance again. Like Bebe, he is very creative, and can get very excited about what he does; that's one of the things I find endearing about him. Like Eri, he can be very detached about the world and relationships, sometimes putting distance between himself and those who care about him. Still, he always manages to find balance again. One interesting note - Nick was against me moving out here to California, and he may have had a good reason to be. Trying to find my balance here, between social and solitude, between work and play, has been hard... I'm not even sure if I'll be able to.
Next time - All the rest, 15 - 21
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Major Arcana, Part 1
Recently, Case and his brother and I have been playing the Shin Megami Tensei games: Persona 3 and Persona 4. These games are RPGs on the PS2, which involves battling in dungeons and using social links to make your summoned beings stronger. These social links involve the Major Arcana of your standard Tarot deck. I'm not sure whether this a trademark of Persona games, or whether the other SMT games are the same.
At any rate, I decided to apply the Major Arcana to my own life, using figures from my daily life as the arcana, based on the characters/situations in the Persona games I've played.
0 - Fool
My life - Our Engagement
Persona games - SEES (3), the investigating group (4)
The Fool Arcana is introduced near the beginning of the games, being the core set of characters who start the journey. For me, the journey, with the subsequent interactions, began after Casey and I got engaged, and I moved out here. Each of the protagonists ended up moving to a new place in the beginning of each game. Also, the initial Fool group evolves into the Judgment group, which I'll discuss later.
1 - Magician
My life - Brandon Sanchez
Persona games - Junpei Iori (3), Kenji Tomochika (3), Yosuke Hanamura (4)
In general, the Magician tends to be somewhat immature, cracking jokes about life in general, while sometimes having vulnerabilities to work through. Brandon tends to joke around with me a lot, playing off my general gullibility/good nature, but in truth he's a nice guy, who sometimes comes to me with relationship questions. In life as well as in the game, the Magician is fun to have around, ready to laugh and be laughed at.
2 - Priestess
My life - Ripley
Persona games - Fuuka Yamagishi (3), Yukiko Amagi (4)
It's not unusual in Persona games that social links are not human. In Persona 3, Koromaru (although not a social link) was a dog with the Arcana of Strength. In Persona 4, the Fox was living in the local shrine, with the Hermit Arcana. Also, for me, cats tend to be just as much of my siblings as humans, since I was raised with them. I chose Ripley as Priestess because she represents a lot of the mysterious aspects of my life - she comes and goes as she pleases, and rarely makes a lot of noise. Both Fuuka and Yukiko are quiet figures in the games as well.
3 - Empress
My life - Courtney Miller
Persona games - Mitsuru Kirijo (3), Margaret (4)
Part of my choice for Courtney being of the Empress is the mother/sister figure that she holds. Mitsuru was the main leader for SEES in Persona 3, serving as a kind of mother and older sister. Margaret, Igor's assistant, is the older sister of Elizabeth, Igor's assistant in Persona 3. Courtney, although being ten months younger than me, already has a child and is living in her own home - she is very motherly, and has been that way for Casey and his brothers through most of their lives. I'd almost consider her more of an older sister than a younger one.
4 - Emperor
My life - Chip St. John
Persona games - Akihiko Sanada (3), Hidetoshi Odagiri (3), Kanji Tatsumi (4)
As Chip is the head of the family, it's only logical that he be of the Emperor Arcana. He's hard to get to know sometimes, usually making wisecracks. Like the rest of the family, he's very stubborn, but he is also fair. He is tough as nails, just like all the Emperor Arcana characters in the Persona games.
5 - Hierophant
My life - Ron Rodriguez
Persona games - Shinjiro Aragaki (3), The Old Couple (3), Metis (3), Ryotaro Dojima (4)
Ron has been my surrogate dad and advisor since I came west. If I could call anyone Senpai, it would be him. He represents knowledge and experience, as associated with Shinji (tough former member of SEES), the old couple (age and a bookstore), and Dojima (an uncle). Metis's connection to the Hierophant Arcana seems slim at least, more as a placeholder since Shinji was killed off in the main part of the game - although maybe having more knowledge about Aigis's inner desires. At any rate, Ron is my Senpai, who has taught me more about my job than maybe even my first employers.
6 - Lovers
My life - Casey St. John
Persona games - Yukari Takeba (3), Rise Kujikawa (4)
The Arcana says it all - Casey is my lover. And, as with the characters in the Persona games, he is my main source of both healing and support. When I'm feeling sick, he's always sympathetic, and does what he can to make me comfortable and help me get better. When I'm stressed out about my life, he offers as much support as he can. He is also at a crossroads - when I entered his life, his future was unclear, but now he has choices to make. Whatever decision he makes, I will be with him.
7 - Chariot
My life - Travis St. John
Persona games - Aigis (3), Kazushi Miyamoto (3), Chie Satonaka (4)
The Chariot Arcana in the Persona games reflects on a lot of the physical strengths of the characters - Aigis is a robot, with superhuman strength, Kaz is a star sports figure for school, and Chie is a tough girl who fights with her feet. All of these characters eventually have weaknesses that they have to deal with - growth of emotion, physical ailments, and friendship issues. Travis is a scrappy guy, whom I definitely wouldn't take on in a fight, but he has various issues with family. I can only hope that time will help him achieve more with what lies ahead of him.
Next time - Major Arcana 8-14.
At any rate, I decided to apply the Major Arcana to my own life, using figures from my daily life as the arcana, based on the characters/situations in the Persona games I've played.
0 - Fool
My life - Our Engagement
Persona games - SEES (3), the investigating group (4)
The Fool Arcana is introduced near the beginning of the games, being the core set of characters who start the journey. For me, the journey, with the subsequent interactions, began after Casey and I got engaged, and I moved out here. Each of the protagonists ended up moving to a new place in the beginning of each game. Also, the initial Fool group evolves into the Judgment group, which I'll discuss later.
1 - Magician
My life - Brandon Sanchez
Persona games - Junpei Iori (3), Kenji Tomochika (3), Yosuke Hanamura (4)
In general, the Magician tends to be somewhat immature, cracking jokes about life in general, while sometimes having vulnerabilities to work through. Brandon tends to joke around with me a lot, playing off my general gullibility/good nature, but in truth he's a nice guy, who sometimes comes to me with relationship questions. In life as well as in the game, the Magician is fun to have around, ready to laugh and be laughed at.
2 - Priestess
My life - Ripley
Persona games - Fuuka Yamagishi (3), Yukiko Amagi (4)
It's not unusual in Persona games that social links are not human. In Persona 3, Koromaru (although not a social link) was a dog with the Arcana of Strength. In Persona 4, the Fox was living in the local shrine, with the Hermit Arcana. Also, for me, cats tend to be just as much of my siblings as humans, since I was raised with them. I chose Ripley as Priestess because she represents a lot of the mysterious aspects of my life - she comes and goes as she pleases, and rarely makes a lot of noise. Both Fuuka and Yukiko are quiet figures in the games as well.
3 - Empress
My life - Courtney Miller
Persona games - Mitsuru Kirijo (3), Margaret (4)
Part of my choice for Courtney being of the Empress is the mother/sister figure that she holds. Mitsuru was the main leader for SEES in Persona 3, serving as a kind of mother and older sister. Margaret, Igor's assistant, is the older sister of Elizabeth, Igor's assistant in Persona 3. Courtney, although being ten months younger than me, already has a child and is living in her own home - she is very motherly, and has been that way for Casey and his brothers through most of their lives. I'd almost consider her more of an older sister than a younger one.
4 - Emperor
My life - Chip St. John
Persona games - Akihiko Sanada (3), Hidetoshi Odagiri (3), Kanji Tatsumi (4)
As Chip is the head of the family, it's only logical that he be of the Emperor Arcana. He's hard to get to know sometimes, usually making wisecracks. Like the rest of the family, he's very stubborn, but he is also fair. He is tough as nails, just like all the Emperor Arcana characters in the Persona games.
5 - Hierophant
My life - Ron Rodriguez
Persona games - Shinjiro Aragaki (3), The Old Couple (3), Metis (3), Ryotaro Dojima (4)
Ron has been my surrogate dad and advisor since I came west. If I could call anyone Senpai, it would be him. He represents knowledge and experience, as associated with Shinji (tough former member of SEES), the old couple (age and a bookstore), and Dojima (an uncle). Metis's connection to the Hierophant Arcana seems slim at least, more as a placeholder since Shinji was killed off in the main part of the game - although maybe having more knowledge about Aigis's inner desires. At any rate, Ron is my Senpai, who has taught me more about my job than maybe even my first employers.
6 - Lovers
My life - Casey St. John
Persona games - Yukari Takeba (3), Rise Kujikawa (4)
The Arcana says it all - Casey is my lover. And, as with the characters in the Persona games, he is my main source of both healing and support. When I'm feeling sick, he's always sympathetic, and does what he can to make me comfortable and help me get better. When I'm stressed out about my life, he offers as much support as he can. He is also at a crossroads - when I entered his life, his future was unclear, but now he has choices to make. Whatever decision he makes, I will be with him.
7 - Chariot
My life - Travis St. John
Persona games - Aigis (3), Kazushi Miyamoto (3), Chie Satonaka (4)
The Chariot Arcana in the Persona games reflects on a lot of the physical strengths of the characters - Aigis is a robot, with superhuman strength, Kaz is a star sports figure for school, and Chie is a tough girl who fights with her feet. All of these characters eventually have weaknesses that they have to deal with - growth of emotion, physical ailments, and friendship issues. Travis is a scrappy guy, whom I definitely wouldn't take on in a fight, but he has various issues with family. I can only hope that time will help him achieve more with what lies ahead of him.
Next time - Major Arcana 8-14.
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