That title has a lot of ambiguity. Have I been quarantined? Do I need to be quarantined? Possibly both.
Today was a good day, though... I had a lot of dreams last night, and told them to Case when I could. This morning, I opened the lab, an event which tends to be pretty enjoyable because it means I can leave when the sun is still out. One of my coworkers tried to replace a bulb in the blocker, and dropped one of the plastic insulators into the machine. It took three women, an Allen wrench (you know, the little ones that fit inside the screws), a coat hanger, sticky block pads, and a screwdriver before I retrieved it. I got grease on my hands, and got triumphant, since after I fished the insulator out, I installed the bulb and it worked. And I got to go home at one, since business was so slow.
I even cooked today - sure, it was only couscous, but damn, it tasted good, and it felt good to be working in the kitchen again. If only I could have that sort of attitude and motivation more than one day in three months... It's the first time I cooked something with pans and heat and such since I was living alone.
Talking of loneliness brings us back to the subject of quarantine. I could say that I have been almost successfully quarantined from the social life I had back east. I wrote an e-mail to a bunch of friends, asking them to write or call, and only one responded to it - he's the one I talk to through AIM on a regular basis. I really don't talk to many other folks, except my family and my coworkers.
And Case's family? They may be the ones that I need to be quarantined from. Case and I both need to get out of this place, hopefully sooner rather than later. Because of the influence of this family, I've found my temper to be shorter, my frustration much more easily rising to the surface, and part of my faith has been sincerely challenged. I'm not talking so much about religious faith, since I'm agnostic, but rather the faith in the love that I hoped would be inherent between family members. It's all I've ever known, from my own personal experience. People I've encountered - friends, lovers, etc. - have had their own dysfunctions like divorce... but even then, the divide in the family still leaves two separate halves that maintain a strong bond.
But recently the friend I talk to regularly cut off all contact with his dad. I knew those two had been having trouble for a long time, and my friend still has a strong bond with his mother and his step-siblings. And hey, he's still a great guy, a kind person, always ready with a hug and reassurance.
Case's family is worse than I ever realized. Sometimes they work together just fine - but more often they're at each other's throats. Case and his dad really are the sanest two. His sister tends to be bipolar, often motherly but just as often lashing out at people who haven't been troubling; his middle brother has gotten in trouble with the law as well as with the rest of the family, and also tends to break most mechanical things he gets his hands on; and his youngest brother is nineteen, doesn't drive, and has serious possession/materialistic issues. And then there's his mother - she loves me, and always says so, but the rest of the family tends to be disgusted by her, and I can understand why. She is utterly dependent on the other members of the family to help get important things done, and makes excuses when she's called upon it. She's had various addictions all her life - the most recent two are smoking and late-night reality shows.
It's chaos. The lack of respect and love that I've seen has shocked me. And it brought me to the final conclusion, one that made me feel so much older than twenty-two - the dysfunctional family IS the norm, and families like mine, Miles', Nick's mom's, etc. are the exceptions. The people that live here seem to be united more by chance than by DNA... a bunch of short-tempered strangers that happen to live in the same building.
*sigh* This is the one of the few times I've really felt that part of my innocence has truly been lost. With the other issues like death and sex, it feels like the innocence is actually replaced by experience, but this is different. Like I said above, this is more like a challenge of my faith, of something that is part of my core being. And with that piece of my life lost, there's really nothing to fill it with.
I only know that Case and I keep each other sane. We can close the door (or at least keep it only a tad ajar, for ventilation and feline sakes) and not pay attention to the stupid shit that's happening outside. We can escape into World of Warcraft, or the humor of Codemonkeys or Psych, or the mysterious wonders of Star Trek or Dr. Who. When we have children, we're going to raise them in the ideal of family - love, support, order, humor, all the good things that work together to form solid bonds between parents and children.
And when we do those things, we will certainly not be here, in Palmdale. We'll have our own place, our own life, and it will be challenging... but it will be good.
Looking forward,
Grety
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
Friday, September 21, 2007
In a 70-Degree Lull
So... a long time since I've written here.
Case arrived, we got everything packed up in two trips. Then we drove out to Albany for the wedding rehearsal. I pretty much went along with whatever was going on, let my cousins shuffle me from one place to the other. Nothing went wrong, and I got made up really prettily. The wedding was lovely and short, although the receiving line was a little tedious - shaking the hands of people I'd never met before, and would never meet again. Then a few more pictures, and then FINALLY the reception.
Wedding receptions are great. Case and I danced and danced and danced. And then danced some more. We had to sit at separate tables for the meals, since I was in the bridal party and he was my guest; we visited each other, though, from time to time.
The time came for the bouquet and the garter... the first toss of the bouquet failed, since the person that picked it up was already married. So Nell had to retoss it... and I caught it! After that, Case was pretty much obligated to get the garter. DJ chaos then ensued, as Case put the garter on my leg - way up the thigh! - and then the DJ asked me to take the garter off, give him the bouquet, seat him down, and put the garter on his leg! So I did. We had a great time.
We visited my aunt briefly, the day after, and had breakfast. She and my uncle gave us money for our trip, which was really kind of them! We drove home, relaxed on Labor Day, then got new tires the day after, and headed out!
Our road trip took us through NY and to Canada on the first day. We were detained as we crossed over, because our friend James (yes, the one I've written about before) was our escort, he hadn't arrived, and I didn't know his last name! But after our car being searched, James showed up and showed us Niagara Falls. It's beautiful, even at night.
Day two took us through some of Canada, into Michigan, Indiana, and just over the border into Illinois. We were only slightly detained in re-entering the country - they just checked our trunk. We stayed at a budget inn in Joliet, IL, and had pizza for dinner. Day three was Illinois, Iowa, and most of Nebraska. I pushed Case to stop too quickly, and we ended up in a tiny town called Sutherland. The room we had was tiny, too. If we had gone a little further, we could have stayed in any number of hotels, but ah well.
Day four took us through the last of Nebraska, and into Colorado. By far, Colorado was my favorite state to pass through, even though my car doesn't handle the hills very well. But the first half was pretty fields like Nebraska, and the second half was gorgeous mountains. I drove all the way through Colorado, with Case snapping pictures. We ended up in Utah, stopping at a town called Beaver (haha, laugh it up) for the night. Case took us home on day five, through Utah, the corner of Arizona, Nevada, and finally into California. We arrived around four or five in the evening.
I'm not completely unpacked - we need some hangers.
Is this really home? No, not really. This place is too stressful to call home. It makes all my complaints about my own parents seem like chump change. At least with them I can escape, have my own privacy without people wanting to get stuff from my room. I get nagged, but never verbally abused... and I NEVER go apeshit on my parents or any other people in my family. And the dog gets to run around outside. And TiVo... I'm convinced that despite its features that save time, TiVo just makes people sit in front of the TV for longer and longer, watching the shows they recorded, long into the night.
At least I have my own tech - my computer, only slightly worse for wear from the trip; my new cell phone; and my new mp3 player, the Microsoft Zune. 30 gigabyte storage, and it also plays movies and shows pictures and picks up radio waves. My phone also takes pictures. I brought my DVDs and my PC games, so I have plenty of digital things to occupy my time... but I'm getting bored.
Luckily, I'm starting work on Monday. My place was saved for me long ago, when I established the transfer between South Burlington and Palmdale - Lenscrafters for the win. I'll be getting retail cross-training, too, so I've got a lot of promise ahead.
And there are two cats curled up in a pile on the futon that we sleep so badly upon. We really need a new bed. And our own place. But both those things will come in time. In the meantime, I'll be bowling soon, for the fun of it, with Case and Ryan and hopefully Ryan's girlfriend, Vanessa.
Quietly waiting,
Grety
Case arrived, we got everything packed up in two trips. Then we drove out to Albany for the wedding rehearsal. I pretty much went along with whatever was going on, let my cousins shuffle me from one place to the other. Nothing went wrong, and I got made up really prettily. The wedding was lovely and short, although the receiving line was a little tedious - shaking the hands of people I'd never met before, and would never meet again. Then a few more pictures, and then FINALLY the reception.
Wedding receptions are great. Case and I danced and danced and danced. And then danced some more. We had to sit at separate tables for the meals, since I was in the bridal party and he was my guest; we visited each other, though, from time to time.
The time came for the bouquet and the garter... the first toss of the bouquet failed, since the person that picked it up was already married. So Nell had to retoss it... and I caught it! After that, Case was pretty much obligated to get the garter. DJ chaos then ensued, as Case put the garter on my leg - way up the thigh! - and then the DJ asked me to take the garter off, give him the bouquet, seat him down, and put the garter on his leg! So I did. We had a great time.
We visited my aunt briefly, the day after, and had breakfast. She and my uncle gave us money for our trip, which was really kind of them! We drove home, relaxed on Labor Day, then got new tires the day after, and headed out!
Our road trip took us through NY and to Canada on the first day. We were detained as we crossed over, because our friend James (yes, the one I've written about before) was our escort, he hadn't arrived, and I didn't know his last name! But after our car being searched, James showed up and showed us Niagara Falls. It's beautiful, even at night.
Day two took us through some of Canada, into Michigan, Indiana, and just over the border into Illinois. We were only slightly detained in re-entering the country - they just checked our trunk. We stayed at a budget inn in Joliet, IL, and had pizza for dinner. Day three was Illinois, Iowa, and most of Nebraska. I pushed Case to stop too quickly, and we ended up in a tiny town called Sutherland. The room we had was tiny, too. If we had gone a little further, we could have stayed in any number of hotels, but ah well.
Day four took us through the last of Nebraska, and into Colorado. By far, Colorado was my favorite state to pass through, even though my car doesn't handle the hills very well. But the first half was pretty fields like Nebraska, and the second half was gorgeous mountains. I drove all the way through Colorado, with Case snapping pictures. We ended up in Utah, stopping at a town called Beaver (haha, laugh it up) for the night. Case took us home on day five, through Utah, the corner of Arizona, Nevada, and finally into California. We arrived around four or five in the evening.
I'm not completely unpacked - we need some hangers.
Is this really home? No, not really. This place is too stressful to call home. It makes all my complaints about my own parents seem like chump change. At least with them I can escape, have my own privacy without people wanting to get stuff from my room. I get nagged, but never verbally abused... and I NEVER go apeshit on my parents or any other people in my family. And the dog gets to run around outside. And TiVo... I'm convinced that despite its features that save time, TiVo just makes people sit in front of the TV for longer and longer, watching the shows they recorded, long into the night.
At least I have my own tech - my computer, only slightly worse for wear from the trip; my new cell phone; and my new mp3 player, the Microsoft Zune. 30 gigabyte storage, and it also plays movies and shows pictures and picks up radio waves. My phone also takes pictures. I brought my DVDs and my PC games, so I have plenty of digital things to occupy my time... but I'm getting bored.
Luckily, I'm starting work on Monday. My place was saved for me long ago, when I established the transfer between South Burlington and Palmdale - Lenscrafters for the win. I'll be getting retail cross-training, too, so I've got a lot of promise ahead.
And there are two cats curled up in a pile on the futon that we sleep so badly upon. We really need a new bed. And our own place. But both those things will come in time. In the meantime, I'll be bowling soon, for the fun of it, with Case and Ryan and hopefully Ryan's girlfriend, Vanessa.
Quietly waiting,
Grety
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
He Is Coming
The title says it all. It's only a matter of hours.
And then there will never be the span of a continent between us again. NEVER.
Now I must sleep... if I can. NyQuil will probably help.
Ever his,
Grety
And then there will never be the span of a continent between us again. NEVER.
Now I must sleep... if I can. NyQuil will probably help.
Ever his,
Grety
Thursday, August 23, 2007
Breakdown
It always amazes me at how much capacity I have to cry. I've been that way since I was young, when I would cry if someone else was crying. That sort of open sympathy/empathy has long since been tempered with tact and control... but when I'm hurting, when something finally hits that last, aching nerve...
It bursts out. You know that feeling well. It's a wave of such misery and hopelessness and frustation, and it drowns everything until its energy is spent... and then I have to wash my face so that the redness is a bit more uniform. My eyes are green, very green, because of all the blood.
Why did I break down today? I suppose this has been building for a few days, when I was talking with my coworkers about whether I should ask my cousin for a picture of the shoes I should buy for the wedding. They all thought it was a good idea, and the best I could do under the circumstances (mainly, that they didn't have the store here that they bought the shoes from in Albany). I had this dark feeling, though - that I might be told that no, I have to call the place and order the shoes, that there was nothing they could do for me. And I was half-right - Stacey couldn't send me a picture, not even a cell phone pic, but she told me my cousin Corey was going to go for a Payless pair instead, and I said in my reply (which I CCed to Corey) that as soon as I could find out what Corey was buying, I would go out and buy them myself.
This morning, however, put all that decisiveness back down in the depths of my psyche. I got an e-mail saying that the dresses - all the dresses - still needed an alteration. This, after I spent so much money and time in getting the dress altered to fit me, and with only a few hours left in each day to spend outside of work or bed. I went to work, everything feeling heavy... and I knew I was starting to get a cold, too. I just felt hopeless... that all I was doing, such as it was, wasn't enough to get me through the process, to get me to the final product of a wonderful wedding for Nell.
I called my mom. I told her how I was feeling, and what was troubling me. She asked if she should talk to her sister, the mother of the bride, to see what options there were, and I said yes, I wanted as many options as I could get, to figure out what I needed to do. After that first call, I went into the bathroom and wept, with the door open. I didn't care who saw or heard. I cried, I washed my face, and went back in to work. My supervisor noticed, and could see that I was really distraught, but that I was trying to keep control. She told me to take a break, and gave me the offer (which I accepted) of leaving when one of my other coworkers came. I took a break, called Case, got a bit more of the stress out of me. After that call, I took some deep breaths and went back to work again, more calm. I became even more calm when Mom called me back, saying that things were going to be taken care of, that I had less to worry about, that things weren't as big of a deal as I was making them to be. I left at 2:30, and called my friend Joe, who has a kitten named Shyguy. He was home, so I went over and hung out with him and the kitten and their cat Kahn for a few hours.
I went back home at around 5:30, feeling pretty good. As I'm walking up the stairs, I get a Restricted call... odd. I picked it up, and it was my cousin Stacey - very odd, since I know I have a number of hers in my address book. Apparently she found out fairly quickly that I had been stressing out... but she offered me no comfort. Instead, she berated me for stressing out Nell and my aunt. She said that she understood that I had a lot going on right now, but so did they. She said that all she did during this time, getting ready for the wedding, was hound me to do things - true, that I forgot my checkbook at the bridal shower, and had to wait a while before I could get stamps to send the check and pay her back. But the rest... she kept saying that she wasn't trying to bitch at me, but that was exactly what she was doing.
As the conversation ended, and I closed my phone, a horrible, miserable groan escaped my throat. I didn't think I could cry more today, but I did. A lot more. I told my troubles on IM with Griffin, and then my friend Wes called. Between the two of them, I calmed down a little. I had called my mom and Case not long after Stacey called, so I could talk with them. When Mom called back, I told her what had gone on. She sympathized with me (she even used the f-word when talking about the last-minute alterations!). She said that she was sorry that she made things more complicated, but that she had been waiting for me to call her to ask for help - her friend had advised her to wait, instead of offering help, knowing that when I needed it, I would ask. She also thought, as I did, more along the lines that Nell's mom, her sister, could probably handle a lot more stress than Stacey was thinking.
Stacey is not always the easiest person to get along with - she's had fights with most of our cousins, even Nell, who's her best friend. She's Nell's Maid of Honor, and she's the one planning all this. I can't blame her for her stress... but I'm not happy in that she made me feel like I was ruining everything with my own stress. I may be an adult, over the 20-mark, but I'm a new adult. I've barely been living on my own, just out of college, just into the working world. I've got a huge move in less than two weeks, and a lot of business to finish up in this apartment before I go. My money is tight, and I've already spent over $300 on bridal prep (not to mention $150+ on prepping my car, and still more spending to come). And I'm by myself, in another state, and six years younger than she is, younger still than either Corey or Nell. I've got a lot of factors working against me in this, and she just doesn't seem to understand this.
When I don't know what I'm doing, I muddle through until I need help, and then I call for help. I can't help but think that even though I've been slow and hesitant about doing things, that I *have* been doing the right things. I got the dress alterations done in time. I brought veggies and dip to the bridal shower, and helped set things up and take things down, and handed out the bridal presents. I haven't been rude... just distant, and that's only natural, not just because of geography, but because I'm the youngest, and I find it hard to get along with the middle part of my generation - at the bridal shower, I spent more time with my mom's sisters than my cousins.
I'm doing the best I can, for the most part independently... and these days, it's hardly seemed good enough. I swear, it's only through Case's strength and love that I'm managing to get through days like this. My friendship with James has helped out, too - we both listen to each other's problems - and I think that deserves a visit on our way west. It's less than a week until Case's arrival - still a lot to do, and moving some things tomorrow, but I know I can make things work.
In the meantime, my nose is sniffly, and my upper lip is chapped. My eyes feel really dry from the workout they've gotten, and I'm emotionally exhausted, if not physically exhausted. But even after all this trouble and stress, I still have hope. The wedding will be good, the reception will be good... and then I'll be able to move on with my life, with the man I was meant to be with.
World-weary,
Grety
PS: One bright spot tonight was when I went downstairs to use the bathroom (we're out of toilet paper here, and Carolyn hasn't bought any - I'll be damned if I'm buying more). I looked and saw that I had a package from one of my other aunts! I brought it upstairs, and found a belated graduation card and gift. The gift was a silver necklace with an abalone shell pendant, shaped like a leaf. I put it on, and although the silver doesn't exactly go the best with Case's gold heart that I wear every day, the pendants are both displayed separately on my breastbone - they don't hit each other at all. I owe my Aunt LaDonna a very nice thank-you note - I almost cried from the fact that even through all of this prep for Nell, someone remembered, even though late, that I had done a lot recently in my own life. The timing, someone in my family showing that they cared about me and my endeavors, touched me deeply.
It bursts out. You know that feeling well. It's a wave of such misery and hopelessness and frustation, and it drowns everything until its energy is spent... and then I have to wash my face so that the redness is a bit more uniform. My eyes are green, very green, because of all the blood.
Why did I break down today? I suppose this has been building for a few days, when I was talking with my coworkers about whether I should ask my cousin for a picture of the shoes I should buy for the wedding. They all thought it was a good idea, and the best I could do under the circumstances (mainly, that they didn't have the store here that they bought the shoes from in Albany). I had this dark feeling, though - that I might be told that no, I have to call the place and order the shoes, that there was nothing they could do for me. And I was half-right - Stacey couldn't send me a picture, not even a cell phone pic, but she told me my cousin Corey was going to go for a Payless pair instead, and I said in my reply (which I CCed to Corey) that as soon as I could find out what Corey was buying, I would go out and buy them myself.
This morning, however, put all that decisiveness back down in the depths of my psyche. I got an e-mail saying that the dresses - all the dresses - still needed an alteration. This, after I spent so much money and time in getting the dress altered to fit me, and with only a few hours left in each day to spend outside of work or bed. I went to work, everything feeling heavy... and I knew I was starting to get a cold, too. I just felt hopeless... that all I was doing, such as it was, wasn't enough to get me through the process, to get me to the final product of a wonderful wedding for Nell.
I called my mom. I told her how I was feeling, and what was troubling me. She asked if she should talk to her sister, the mother of the bride, to see what options there were, and I said yes, I wanted as many options as I could get, to figure out what I needed to do. After that first call, I went into the bathroom and wept, with the door open. I didn't care who saw or heard. I cried, I washed my face, and went back in to work. My supervisor noticed, and could see that I was really distraught, but that I was trying to keep control. She told me to take a break, and gave me the offer (which I accepted) of leaving when one of my other coworkers came. I took a break, called Case, got a bit more of the stress out of me. After that call, I took some deep breaths and went back to work again, more calm. I became even more calm when Mom called me back, saying that things were going to be taken care of, that I had less to worry about, that things weren't as big of a deal as I was making them to be. I left at 2:30, and called my friend Joe, who has a kitten named Shyguy. He was home, so I went over and hung out with him and the kitten and their cat Kahn for a few hours.
I went back home at around 5:30, feeling pretty good. As I'm walking up the stairs, I get a Restricted call... odd. I picked it up, and it was my cousin Stacey - very odd, since I know I have a number of hers in my address book. Apparently she found out fairly quickly that I had been stressing out... but she offered me no comfort. Instead, she berated me for stressing out Nell and my aunt. She said that she understood that I had a lot going on right now, but so did they. She said that all she did during this time, getting ready for the wedding, was hound me to do things - true, that I forgot my checkbook at the bridal shower, and had to wait a while before I could get stamps to send the check and pay her back. But the rest... she kept saying that she wasn't trying to bitch at me, but that was exactly what she was doing.
As the conversation ended, and I closed my phone, a horrible, miserable groan escaped my throat. I didn't think I could cry more today, but I did. A lot more. I told my troubles on IM with Griffin, and then my friend Wes called. Between the two of them, I calmed down a little. I had called my mom and Case not long after Stacey called, so I could talk with them. When Mom called back, I told her what had gone on. She sympathized with me (she even used the f-word when talking about the last-minute alterations!). She said that she was sorry that she made things more complicated, but that she had been waiting for me to call her to ask for help - her friend had advised her to wait, instead of offering help, knowing that when I needed it, I would ask. She also thought, as I did, more along the lines that Nell's mom, her sister, could probably handle a lot more stress than Stacey was thinking.
Stacey is not always the easiest person to get along with - she's had fights with most of our cousins, even Nell, who's her best friend. She's Nell's Maid of Honor, and she's the one planning all this. I can't blame her for her stress... but I'm not happy in that she made me feel like I was ruining everything with my own stress. I may be an adult, over the 20-mark, but I'm a new adult. I've barely been living on my own, just out of college, just into the working world. I've got a huge move in less than two weeks, and a lot of business to finish up in this apartment before I go. My money is tight, and I've already spent over $300 on bridal prep (not to mention $150+ on prepping my car, and still more spending to come). And I'm by myself, in another state, and six years younger than she is, younger still than either Corey or Nell. I've got a lot of factors working against me in this, and she just doesn't seem to understand this.
When I don't know what I'm doing, I muddle through until I need help, and then I call for help. I can't help but think that even though I've been slow and hesitant about doing things, that I *have* been doing the right things. I got the dress alterations done in time. I brought veggies and dip to the bridal shower, and helped set things up and take things down, and handed out the bridal presents. I haven't been rude... just distant, and that's only natural, not just because of geography, but because I'm the youngest, and I find it hard to get along with the middle part of my generation - at the bridal shower, I spent more time with my mom's sisters than my cousins.
I'm doing the best I can, for the most part independently... and these days, it's hardly seemed good enough. I swear, it's only through Case's strength and love that I'm managing to get through days like this. My friendship with James has helped out, too - we both listen to each other's problems - and I think that deserves a visit on our way west. It's less than a week until Case's arrival - still a lot to do, and moving some things tomorrow, but I know I can make things work.
In the meantime, my nose is sniffly, and my upper lip is chapped. My eyes feel really dry from the workout they've gotten, and I'm emotionally exhausted, if not physically exhausted. But even after all this trouble and stress, I still have hope. The wedding will be good, the reception will be good... and then I'll be able to move on with my life, with the man I was meant to be with.
World-weary,
Grety
PS: One bright spot tonight was when I went downstairs to use the bathroom (we're out of toilet paper here, and Carolyn hasn't bought any - I'll be damned if I'm buying more). I looked and saw that I had a package from one of my other aunts! I brought it upstairs, and found a belated graduation card and gift. The gift was a silver necklace with an abalone shell pendant, shaped like a leaf. I put it on, and although the silver doesn't exactly go the best with Case's gold heart that I wear every day, the pendants are both displayed separately on my breastbone - they don't hit each other at all. I owe my Aunt LaDonna a very nice thank-you note - I almost cried from the fact that even through all of this prep for Nell, someone remembered, even though late, that I had done a lot recently in my own life. The timing, someone in my family showing that they cared about me and my endeavors, touched me deeply.
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
What My Eyes Behold
Yesterday, during my 5-hour make-up nap jag, I woke up from a dream about the Tenth Doctor and Jack Harkness, and me. I remember that Jack was examining the cuts on my hands, and he was actually tasting them to find out what caused them. At first I felt slightly aroused, but it deteriorated fast - as handsome as Jack is, I know he's a flirt and that it really was business rather than pleasure. In real life, there are a few cuts on my fingers, but not nearly as many as he was tasting.
The Doctor was going to have a dance competition. I beckoned him over and gave him a kiss on the cheek "for luck". I felt like Martha, because I knew that the love I felt for him wasn't going to be requited. I watched, from above, as The Doctor and his partner started out with great energy, and she was stumbling... but she regained control, she had skill, and he fell. As though my eyes were the camera's PoV, I could zoom in and see that The Doctor... was crying. There was a flurry of action, and I found The Doctor wrapped up in something. As I unwrapped his face, I saw that he had jowls, had gained weight somehow - a punishment. He tried to turn away from me, but I held onto his head and kissed his forehead, and cried a little for his own frustration and failure.
Later in the dream, The Doctor was restored to his geeky, cheekboned self. I was prepping a bunk-bed for him, and he clambered up there. Then he reached down and took one of my hands, then the other - crossed hands. His caresses... felt so real, and so comforting. When I woke up from that sleep, I felt so refreshed, renewed.
Today I saw someone at work who reminded me of Case. The same dark hair, the same sort of face, the same build - he was shorter, his nose was larger and a tad longer, and he wore a black baseball cap backwards on his head. His glasses looked like they had been mended with electrical tape. Yet he reminded me of Case so much that I had a struggle trying to not stare, and yet my eyes were always drawn to him. I hope he wasn't too creeped out... it really was beyond my control, so I was both saddened and relieved when Aline asked me to keep edging the lenses, away from the lab windows. It shows how much that I miss Case, and how much that I want to see him. When I told him about this, he was really flattered, said that I knew how to make a guy feel wanted, feel loved.
This all shows how starved I am for physical contact, especially from the man I love. I've been solitary for far too long - I know it's not going to continue for much longer, but even waiting for these days feels like torture. Tomorrow night will be a week before Case flies out here, Wednesday morning a week before he arrives. I still need to pack my little things that I won't be taking, and start sorting out what things I'd be willing to put in a give-away box in front of my building. It's laundry, shopping, and phone-call day tomorrow, too. So much to do, and I know I can do it fast, I just need to get my focus to that point and keep it there.
Wednesday night I should dismantle my speaker system so I can bring it home on Thursday. Yeah.
Planning ahead,
Grety
The Doctor was going to have a dance competition. I beckoned him over and gave him a kiss on the cheek "for luck". I felt like Martha, because I knew that the love I felt for him wasn't going to be requited. I watched, from above, as The Doctor and his partner started out with great energy, and she was stumbling... but she regained control, she had skill, and he fell. As though my eyes were the camera's PoV, I could zoom in and see that The Doctor... was crying. There was a flurry of action, and I found The Doctor wrapped up in something. As I unwrapped his face, I saw that he had jowls, had gained weight somehow - a punishment. He tried to turn away from me, but I held onto his head and kissed his forehead, and cried a little for his own frustration and failure.
Later in the dream, The Doctor was restored to his geeky, cheekboned self. I was prepping a bunk-bed for him, and he clambered up there. Then he reached down and took one of my hands, then the other - crossed hands. His caresses... felt so real, and so comforting. When I woke up from that sleep, I felt so refreshed, renewed.
Today I saw someone at work who reminded me of Case. The same dark hair, the same sort of face, the same build - he was shorter, his nose was larger and a tad longer, and he wore a black baseball cap backwards on his head. His glasses looked like they had been mended with electrical tape. Yet he reminded me of Case so much that I had a struggle trying to not stare, and yet my eyes were always drawn to him. I hope he wasn't too creeped out... it really was beyond my control, so I was both saddened and relieved when Aline asked me to keep edging the lenses, away from the lab windows. It shows how much that I miss Case, and how much that I want to see him. When I told him about this, he was really flattered, said that I knew how to make a guy feel wanted, feel loved.
This all shows how starved I am for physical contact, especially from the man I love. I've been solitary for far too long - I know it's not going to continue for much longer, but even waiting for these days feels like torture. Tomorrow night will be a week before Case flies out here, Wednesday morning a week before he arrives. I still need to pack my little things that I won't be taking, and start sorting out what things I'd be willing to put in a give-away box in front of my building. It's laundry, shopping, and phone-call day tomorrow, too. So much to do, and I know I can do it fast, I just need to get my focus to that point and keep it there.
Wednesday night I should dismantle my speaker system so I can bring it home on Thursday. Yeah.
Planning ahead,
Grety
Thursday, August 16, 2007
WoW Jags
I'm attempting what Antistes and Kevin (Amentiu) have suggested: setting up an account on a free server. Yes, they exist. It would most likely be the equivalent of the "cheater's house" mods in Neverwinter Nights. Yet it doesn't seem to be working. I was supposed to make the account separate from my own, right? There's no specification in either of the posts. The main difference is that I have a specific server to log into, and that doesn't seem to be working for me. It says that there are 88 people online, on the website, but every time I try to log in, there are no servers whatsoever. I'm even waiting the specific ten minutes required to have the account verified, so let's see...
Great, now my password is screwed up again. I've reset it, but I think I'll try this later, when I'm more awake, and with Kevin's help.
In the meantime, Unbroken remains stagnant, Conquest Borne is more quiet because the former officers are holding what's probably a resentful silence. Yes, there is more than just the one guy who got demoted - two others asked for such a demotion as well, in support of this one. James likes the quiet in the guild chat now, but it disturbs me.
What also bugs me is this: Quoting Oolanna - "I do not know the why's and how's of this situation but it saddens me to know the most helpful and visible member of the guild leadership has been stripped of his position." Quite clearly Oolanna doesn't know what's going on - that although this one person has been helpful to some and has been visible, that help has rarely extended beyond Conquest Borne (i.e. the resentment of one of our tempermental former tanks), and he is so visible because he has a huge ego, and makes its arrogance visible to the world. That's all you see, really, if you're looking at it from an officer's perspective - all ego. True enough, that we're all just egos floating around in virtual armor in this game, but still. And Oolanna discarded the idea that this guy, when demoted from a guild leader to a guild officer (still a powerful position), he asked to go further. And so did the other two. James would have been fine keeping them all as officers, but no, they decided that they wanted to leave the officer pool completely. Their decision, and all the other lowbies in the guild have to realize this: that these things started as decisions by a group, but ended with the decisions of the individuals.
The demoted officer's response? *cry* and thank you. I wince, because it looks so insincere.
Can't think too much more, it's almost six AM. At least I don't have to set my alarm. Hopefully I can fix the server issues and play an overpowered... druid.
Tech-challenged (for now),
Grety
PS: One other thing about this officer - he flirted with me when he found out I was a girl. When he found out I had a boyfriend, he pretty much stopped talking with me altogether, except in a few half-joking, half-insult things. He's one of *those* guys, who doesn't see folks like me as just WoW friends - either I have to be a WoW chick that he (and everyone else) flirts with, or he has no interest. Case is worth a thousand of him, and always has been.
Great, now my password is screwed up again. I've reset it, but I think I'll try this later, when I'm more awake, and with Kevin's help.
In the meantime, Unbroken remains stagnant, Conquest Borne is more quiet because the former officers are holding what's probably a resentful silence. Yes, there is more than just the one guy who got demoted - two others asked for such a demotion as well, in support of this one. James likes the quiet in the guild chat now, but it disturbs me.
What also bugs me is this: Quoting Oolanna - "I do not know the why's and how's of this situation but it saddens me to know the most helpful and visible member of the guild leadership has been stripped of his position." Quite clearly Oolanna doesn't know what's going on - that although this one person has been helpful to some and has been visible, that help has rarely extended beyond Conquest Borne (i.e. the resentment of one of our tempermental former tanks), and he is so visible because he has a huge ego, and makes its arrogance visible to the world. That's all you see, really, if you're looking at it from an officer's perspective - all ego. True enough, that we're all just egos floating around in virtual armor in this game, but still. And Oolanna discarded the idea that this guy, when demoted from a guild leader to a guild officer (still a powerful position), he asked to go further. And so did the other two. James would have been fine keeping them all as officers, but no, they decided that they wanted to leave the officer pool completely. Their decision, and all the other lowbies in the guild have to realize this: that these things started as decisions by a group, but ended with the decisions of the individuals.
The demoted officer's response? *cry* and thank you. I wince, because it looks so insincere.
Can't think too much more, it's almost six AM. At least I don't have to set my alarm. Hopefully I can fix the server issues and play an overpowered... druid.
Tech-challenged (for now),
Grety
PS: One other thing about this officer - he flirted with me when he found out I was a girl. When he found out I had a boyfriend, he pretty much stopped talking with me altogether, except in a few half-joking, half-insult things. He's one of *those* guys, who doesn't see folks like me as just WoW friends - either I have to be a WoW chick that he (and everyone else) flirts with, or he has no interest. Case is worth a thousand of him, and always has been.
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
Deja Vu
It seems like it. There haven't been too many things happening that are worth reporting. Except maybe some in-game stuff:
1. I have the feeling my guild is going to disband soon. Our two main tanks left together, and the shaman I mentioned a few posts ago left as well. Our officers, including me, are losing hope, even with the aid of our more successful ally guild, Conquest Borne.
2. Speaking of Conquest Borne - I'm in solid contact (though only in-game) with their GM, James, who today had the difficult task of demoting one of the leaders under him. This leader had a whole flock of twink cronies, and in general had an ego the size of Outland. People were getting upset with him, but he lets insults slide right off him. Unlike the leaders in Boomstick Syndicate, James decided to listen and do something about it, for the better of the guild. He's under stress because of the demoted guy's ranting, and the pain of said guy's girlfriend (who, incidentally, dated James for a while, AND is an officer). I let him rant to me, and it helps me not to stress about the disintegration of Unbroken.
3. Playing my little draenei shammy more. Even got the taste of riding an epic mount, for about ten minutes - nice touch, Blizz, I gotta say. But where's the rep build-up like there is for the Blood Elf 2nd zone? There's no Alliance equivalent of Tranquillien? For shame! (Just kidding, power to the Horde!).
In real life - my bridesmaid dress should be finished tomorrow. I sent off the check I owed my cousin. I still have a lot of packing to do. And I think I dreamed that my landlords were only going to give me $300 of my security deposit back. And the shower is still pretty clogged - I've used two bottle of Drano on it, and it's still not draining right.
Case and I are both itching for the end of the month. We'll be able to accomplish so much together. We wait for the end of the month... then when we'll live together, with his family... and then when we live together, on our own. These are the kind of hopes that keep monotony from making me depressed.
Yours again,
Grety
1. I have the feeling my guild is going to disband soon. Our two main tanks left together, and the shaman I mentioned a few posts ago left as well. Our officers, including me, are losing hope, even with the aid of our more successful ally guild, Conquest Borne.
2. Speaking of Conquest Borne - I'm in solid contact (though only in-game) with their GM, James, who today had the difficult task of demoting one of the leaders under him. This leader had a whole flock of twink cronies, and in general had an ego the size of Outland. People were getting upset with him, but he lets insults slide right off him. Unlike the leaders in Boomstick Syndicate, James decided to listen and do something about it, for the better of the guild. He's under stress because of the demoted guy's ranting, and the pain of said guy's girlfriend (who, incidentally, dated James for a while, AND is an officer). I let him rant to me, and it helps me not to stress about the disintegration of Unbroken.
3. Playing my little draenei shammy more. Even got the taste of riding an epic mount, for about ten minutes - nice touch, Blizz, I gotta say. But where's the rep build-up like there is for the Blood Elf 2nd zone? There's no Alliance equivalent of Tranquillien? For shame! (Just kidding, power to the Horde!).
In real life - my bridesmaid dress should be finished tomorrow. I sent off the check I owed my cousin. I still have a lot of packing to do. And I think I dreamed that my landlords were only going to give me $300 of my security deposit back. And the shower is still pretty clogged - I've used two bottle of Drano on it, and it's still not draining right.
Case and I are both itching for the end of the month. We'll be able to accomplish so much together. We wait for the end of the month... then when we'll live together, with his family... and then when we live together, on our own. These are the kind of hopes that keep monotony from making me depressed.
Yours again,
Grety
Sunday, August 12, 2007
Apologies and Bastards
... to whomever reads this, for not being prompt. When I got out of Karazhan last night, it was almost 7 AM. That's the trouble with raiding with a guild that has most of its members in Australia. Yeah, you heard me correctly. Australian players on an East-coast server. I made a big mistake in releasing after I got killed in the Attumen fight, and paid with watching some beautiful epic caster gloves go to a Holy priest (another mage did the same thing I did - my friend Ghostflare, also a mage, had better, and apparently the shadow priest with us did too). However, we one-shotted the Moroes fight - you know you only have to kill two adds, and then Moroes, and then you can book it out of the room. The other two adds (the ones the priests were shackling) reset, and Moroes is still dead. Loot and be happy.
Lootwhore for the night was the one mail-wearer, a resto shammy. Lucky bastard.
I only got four or so hours of sleep last night. I woke up and found a note in my Myspace from one of my cousins. I owe her money from the bridal shower I went to last month, and I haven't been able to get time to buy stamps to send a check to her. I feel really bad about that, but it's hard when I work hours like I do - the places are either aren't open or are already closed by the time I get there. Definitely going to get stamps Tuesday, if not sooner. I also need to call a number to order shoes for the wedding - I checked the website, and the shoes that my cousin mentioned in the e-mail weren't available online. Bastards.
The shower drain is a bastard, too. It's still somewhat clogged, even though I poured a whole bottle of Drano down it. I guess I used the shower as a dishwasher one time too many - but there's really no space in my vanity sink to rinse out a two-quart glass bowl... and then that would mean my sink would eventually get clogged, too. If it isn't already.
Who is not a bastard: Case. My sleepy man, voice low and slow, and yet he logs in for an hour or so to run my troll mage through Shadowfang Keep. Since we're both frost mages, my minimal damage still set off critical hits for him, so he was quite pleased at our progress. He's also going on a diet along with his dad, and I'm excited for that, for him. I remember talking with him about sandwiches, and today I tried out adding more veggies to my normal roast beef. I usually just have lettuce and tomato, on Italian bread, but this time I added green peppers and onions, on wheat bread. It tasted just as good, if not better, although my breath probably wasn't great afterwards. I should probably experiment with meats, too, although I'm not a big fan of turkey or ham. If they had salami... I know I like that, but I don't think they have it. They do have bacon, but that's just dripping with grease.
One last note - I really have to give them a good example when it comes to their pets. Their four dogs run about in the back yard by themselves all day, and when night comes the smallest and loudest of the dogs gets put in the garage by himself - he keeps Case awake at night otherwise. I may not be a dog person, but I don't mind them, and if they need attention, I'll give it to them. Plus, it'll get me outside, instead of being stuck in front of a computer screen like I am now. So much of my life will change once I get there, and change for the better.
Hopefully yours,
Grety
Lootwhore for the night was the one mail-wearer, a resto shammy. Lucky bastard.
I only got four or so hours of sleep last night. I woke up and found a note in my Myspace from one of my cousins. I owe her money from the bridal shower I went to last month, and I haven't been able to get time to buy stamps to send a check to her. I feel really bad about that, but it's hard when I work hours like I do - the places are either aren't open or are already closed by the time I get there. Definitely going to get stamps Tuesday, if not sooner. I also need to call a number to order shoes for the wedding - I checked the website, and the shoes that my cousin mentioned in the e-mail weren't available online. Bastards.
The shower drain is a bastard, too. It's still somewhat clogged, even though I poured a whole bottle of Drano down it. I guess I used the shower as a dishwasher one time too many - but there's really no space in my vanity sink to rinse out a two-quart glass bowl... and then that would mean my sink would eventually get clogged, too. If it isn't already.
Who is not a bastard: Case. My sleepy man, voice low and slow, and yet he logs in for an hour or so to run my troll mage through Shadowfang Keep. Since we're both frost mages, my minimal damage still set off critical hits for him, so he was quite pleased at our progress. He's also going on a diet along with his dad, and I'm excited for that, for him. I remember talking with him about sandwiches, and today I tried out adding more veggies to my normal roast beef. I usually just have lettuce and tomato, on Italian bread, but this time I added green peppers and onions, on wheat bread. It tasted just as good, if not better, although my breath probably wasn't great afterwards. I should probably experiment with meats, too, although I'm not a big fan of turkey or ham. If they had salami... I know I like that, but I don't think they have it. They do have bacon, but that's just dripping with grease.
One last note - I really have to give them a good example when it comes to their pets. Their four dogs run about in the back yard by themselves all day, and when night comes the smallest and loudest of the dogs gets put in the garage by himself - he keeps Case awake at night otherwise. I may not be a dog person, but I don't mind them, and if they need attention, I'll give it to them. Plus, it'll get me outside, instead of being stuck in front of a computer screen like I am now. So much of my life will change once I get there, and change for the better.
Hopefully yours,
Grety
Friday, August 10, 2007
For Instance...
Funny thing - when I checked the previous entry this morning, I expected a message from some random person, telling me to get over myself for the guild, that nobody cares about the game, etc. I must have dreamed it (and yes, I have dreamed about playing WoW, or having real life dreams with WoW traits).
Today was better, WoW-wise. I did three normal (but high-level) instances - The Steamvault, The Shattered Halls, and The Arcatraz. Shattered Halls was done with Case at my side, and all three instances had a form of my friend James (remember him?) - two as his balance druid, Ventus (caster), and one as his priest, Epitaphion. I didn't get much out of the Steamvault, but I got some rep. I got a lot of good rep out of the Shattered Halls, and I got a new caster ring out of the Arcatraz - it'll be good until I can upgrade another caster ring to Epic, once I get more Kara runs in.
In other news, my car is again burning a hole in my bank account. It's street-legal (again), and it will most likely last for a fair amount of time. I paid $150 or so for services and a couple of replacements. However... there is a transmission leak. It's a small one, barely noticeable, but it is there. The cost for repairing that would be up in the $1500 range, which I can't even afford right now. So... I'm just going to have to let that repair rest for a while, until I can earn up enough money (or if Case and I can split it). There's also the need for my engine block to be shifted back into position, but that really isn't affecting me much at all. And they fixed the windshield wiper fluid jam for apparently no cost.
And soon I'll have to get gas again, especially since I have to drive out to the rehearsals for Nell's wedding at the end of the month. Still haven't figured things out with Case or my family, whether or not he'll be coming with me that day, or with my folks the day after. My parents have scheduled the Tuesday after the wedding for a time where Case and I can buy the tires we need for the car, up/down in Barre.
But that's still way ahead. Right now, it's bedtime.
To be continued,
Grety
Today was better, WoW-wise. I did three normal (but high-level) instances - The Steamvault, The Shattered Halls, and The Arcatraz. Shattered Halls was done with Case at my side, and all three instances had a form of my friend James (remember him?) - two as his balance druid, Ventus (caster), and one as his priest, Epitaphion. I didn't get much out of the Steamvault, but I got some rep. I got a lot of good rep out of the Shattered Halls, and I got a new caster ring out of the Arcatraz - it'll be good until I can upgrade another caster ring to Epic, once I get more Kara runs in.
In other news, my car is again burning a hole in my bank account. It's street-legal (again), and it will most likely last for a fair amount of time. I paid $150 or so for services and a couple of replacements. However... there is a transmission leak. It's a small one, barely noticeable, but it is there. The cost for repairing that would be up in the $1500 range, which I can't even afford right now. So... I'm just going to have to let that repair rest for a while, until I can earn up enough money (or if Case and I can split it). There's also the need for my engine block to be shifted back into position, but that really isn't affecting me much at all. And they fixed the windshield wiper fluid jam for apparently no cost.
And soon I'll have to get gas again, especially since I have to drive out to the rehearsals for Nell's wedding at the end of the month. Still haven't figured things out with Case or my family, whether or not he'll be coming with me that day, or with my folks the day after. My parents have scheduled the Tuesday after the wedding for a time where Case and I can buy the tires we need for the car, up/down in Barre.
But that's still way ahead. Right now, it's bedtime.
To be continued,
Grety
Wednesday, August 8, 2007
Guilds Suck
No really, they do. You can ask James, a friend of mine from Canada who's the GM for our allied guild, Conquest Borne. He's watching as little PvP twinks* start invading, under the wing of one of his subordinates who has got an ego the size of Asia. Half of his officers feel things are going wrong, and the other half feel things are fine.
Then of course, there's me. I'm the GM for the guild a group of friends and I started once we split off from Boomstick Syndicate. Our guild is called Unbroken. However, over the past few months it has become VERY broken. Our first GM left us after there were talks of merging with CB - she bombarded us with forum vitriol before she left - she's never coming back. Our second GM doesn't play so much anymore, because his job keeps him busy, so he passed it on to me. Incidentally, the three of us ran for a GM election (our first GM was just a default while we got established). I was the one who got the least votes, and now I'm running things. Will wonders never cease.
Anyway, other officers left to join other guilds as well. The three that were left - me, Case, and Jamie - kept on, and began to rally our 70's. We were getting folks keyed for Karazhan, and we were supposed to have our first official run tonight. People were getting psyched.
The time came around. There were six of us. Only six. Four more were needed, and two people were missing who were supposed to come (one of which was going to be the raid leader). Another person who had had a keyed lock somehow managed to do a character switch - the character has the same name, but is a shaman instead of a lock... and ISN'T KEYED.
Just as we were going to start combing our friends for filler, one of our tanks quit the raid group because he was frustrated that we couldn't get off the ground. The ones that were left in the group disbanded, and reformed a 5-man so we could run Shattered Halls in Hellfire.
That was going well enough - a few bad pulls, a couple of wipes, but nothing that we weren't used to. One of the missing members logged in, and apologized profusely - apparently he got wrapped up in RL work, and thus could not make the time. We let it slide, although I think that he could have gotten the message to someone sooner, instead of having us wait for so long.
The second member logged in. Said nothing. Then said something in the guild chat about how he was sorry, but he had to take an opportunity with a guild who was raiding full-time. Then he quit. I checked his name, and he had indeed joined up with a raiding guild - Hordish Inquisition, a guild in which I had a few friends in. I talked to one of them, and apparently this former guildie had applied on the site - none of us in Unbroken knew.
So us three officers talked to each other quietly in the officer channel. There's not much we can do right now but keep on trying to make things work. We don't like the idea of trying to run the shaman through everything again to get keyed, but we really don't have much of a choice. Our supply of 70's is running low, and although we can try to supplement from our friends, a lot of them are running Kara as well.
Case and I are bitter - Jamie probably is as well. We're disappointed that we weren't able to run, and that folks who were enthusiastic to run decided to quit on it, either from the raid or from the guild itself. We were so close to making a first attempt - so very close. And now the door has slammed shut again on our bony fingers.
With a darkened cast,
Grety
*PS: One good thing that happened today was that I got to see my friend Joe. Besides having tea and getting to see his adorable kitten Shyguy, we talked a lot about WoW. Through this talk, I confirmed what his girlfriend already was saying about twinking - that a real twink is one who uses cash from his mains to buy blue gear for PvP. Buying blues for yourself and then questing to level is not twinking. We all expressed our great loathing for twinks - my 30 paladin, when she was 29, had a guild note saying "not a twink!"... just to make things perfectly clear.
~G~
Then of course, there's me. I'm the GM for the guild a group of friends and I started once we split off from Boomstick Syndicate. Our guild is called Unbroken. However, over the past few months it has become VERY broken. Our first GM left us after there were talks of merging with CB - she bombarded us with forum vitriol before she left - she's never coming back. Our second GM doesn't play so much anymore, because his job keeps him busy, so he passed it on to me. Incidentally, the three of us ran for a GM election (our first GM was just a default while we got established). I was the one who got the least votes, and now I'm running things. Will wonders never cease.
Anyway, other officers left to join other guilds as well. The three that were left - me, Case, and Jamie - kept on, and began to rally our 70's. We were getting folks keyed for Karazhan, and we were supposed to have our first official run tonight. People were getting psyched.
The time came around. There were six of us. Only six. Four more were needed, and two people were missing who were supposed to come (one of which was going to be the raid leader). Another person who had had a keyed lock somehow managed to do a character switch - the character has the same name, but is a shaman instead of a lock... and ISN'T KEYED.
Just as we were going to start combing our friends for filler, one of our tanks quit the raid group because he was frustrated that we couldn't get off the ground. The ones that were left in the group disbanded, and reformed a 5-man so we could run Shattered Halls in Hellfire.
That was going well enough - a few bad pulls, a couple of wipes, but nothing that we weren't used to. One of the missing members logged in, and apologized profusely - apparently he got wrapped up in RL work, and thus could not make the time. We let it slide, although I think that he could have gotten the message to someone sooner, instead of having us wait for so long.
The second member logged in. Said nothing. Then said something in the guild chat about how he was sorry, but he had to take an opportunity with a guild who was raiding full-time. Then he quit. I checked his name, and he had indeed joined up with a raiding guild - Hordish Inquisition, a guild in which I had a few friends in. I talked to one of them, and apparently this former guildie had applied on the site - none of us in Unbroken knew.
So us three officers talked to each other quietly in the officer channel. There's not much we can do right now but keep on trying to make things work. We don't like the idea of trying to run the shaman through everything again to get keyed, but we really don't have much of a choice. Our supply of 70's is running low, and although we can try to supplement from our friends, a lot of them are running Kara as well.
Case and I are bitter - Jamie probably is as well. We're disappointed that we weren't able to run, and that folks who were enthusiastic to run decided to quit on it, either from the raid or from the guild itself. We were so close to making a first attempt - so very close. And now the door has slammed shut again on our bony fingers.
With a darkened cast,
Grety
*PS: One good thing that happened today was that I got to see my friend Joe. Besides having tea and getting to see his adorable kitten Shyguy, we talked a lot about WoW. Through this talk, I confirmed what his girlfriend already was saying about twinking - that a real twink is one who uses cash from his mains to buy blue gear for PvP. Buying blues for yourself and then questing to level is not twinking. We all expressed our great loathing for twinks - my 30 paladin, when she was 29, had a guild note saying "not a twink!"... just to make things perfectly clear.
~G~
Tuesday, August 7, 2007
Twinners
I guess, being an only child, I'm fascinated by twins. My aunts, Dad's sisters, are twins. I've known various twins throughout my school years. Sydney from "The Pretender" is a twin (in the show), as is Ms. Parker/Mr. Lyle. And there's Fred and George Weasley, and Parvati and Padma Patil, all from the Harry Potter series.
Then, of course, there's Stephen King.
There seem to be two different types of twins in Stephen King's work: true twins and interdimensional twins.
1. True twins are like my aunts, the kids at school, etc. They're born on the same day, look a lot like each other. Most of King's twins are good - typically innocents, like Thad Beaumont's children in "The Dark Half", or the twins of the Callas in the Dark Tower series. Some are idiots, like the "Pus Sisters" from King's novella, "The Sun Dog".
Then there's the exception to the rule: George Stark. He started out as an unborn twin, absorbed into Thad Beaumont at birth. When Thad turned eleven, George started manifesting himself as headaches. His physical presence was discovered in Thad's brain during surgery - by physical presence, I mean an eyeball, and other little bits of body. Those bits were excised, and forgotten. As an adult, Thad began to write crime novels under the pseudonym George Stark - what he didn't know was that George Stark was a separate, darker personality. And when the pseudonym was identified, and attempted to be buried... he gained cohesion. George Stark became a man, brutal and crazy and steadily dying unless Thad began writing his stories again. Stark was conducted back to the land of the dead by the sparrows that Thad summoned.
George Stark, by the way, was one way of interpreting the relationship between Stephen King and his "dark half", Richard Bachman. Richard is dead now (cancer of the pseudonym)... but like Stark, doesn't always seem to want to stay dead.
2. Interdimensional twins, or Twinners, are first explored in King's collaboration with Peter Straub, "The Talisman". In it, a young man named Jack Sawyer travels across the United States by "flipping" between our world and a parallel world called The Territories. During that time, he encounters many Twinners - his mother, for instance, has a Twinner who is the queen of The Territories, and Jack is trying to save them both. Jack was a Twinner once, himself, but his Twinner, Jason, was killed as a baby. Jack, however, did not die in his world, and thus gained a unique ability to go between worlds without adverse side effects.
This idea of Twinners is explored further in the sequel to "The Talisman", called "Black House", a little bit further in "Rose Madder", and further still in the last few books of the Dark Tower series. In this multiverse, many of our favorite characters are Twinners of each other, from different dimensions (or levels of the Dark Tower). Unlike true twins, who tend to gain separate personalities and interests through time, Twinners tend to be very similar people on whichever dimension they inhabit. Thusly, heroes are always heroes, villains are always villains, and the order of things is sustained.
The idea that there is a similar reflection of me on these levels is rather comforting.
But what if there's a dark reflection on this level of the Tower? What if I have a twin, maybe not by blood or age, but in some other less concrete way? Similar experiences, similar emotions... yet turning out completely differently? Not quite Beaumont and Stark, and not quite Twinners - somewhere in between?
Is that why I understand so well, and yet hardly at all?
For your consideration,
Grety
Then, of course, there's Stephen King.
There seem to be two different types of twins in Stephen King's work: true twins and interdimensional twins.
1. True twins are like my aunts, the kids at school, etc. They're born on the same day, look a lot like each other. Most of King's twins are good - typically innocents, like Thad Beaumont's children in "The Dark Half", or the twins of the Callas in the Dark Tower series. Some are idiots, like the "Pus Sisters" from King's novella, "The Sun Dog".
Then there's the exception to the rule: George Stark. He started out as an unborn twin, absorbed into Thad Beaumont at birth. When Thad turned eleven, George started manifesting himself as headaches. His physical presence was discovered in Thad's brain during surgery - by physical presence, I mean an eyeball, and other little bits of body. Those bits were excised, and forgotten. As an adult, Thad began to write crime novels under the pseudonym George Stark - what he didn't know was that George Stark was a separate, darker personality. And when the pseudonym was identified, and attempted to be buried... he gained cohesion. George Stark became a man, brutal and crazy and steadily dying unless Thad began writing his stories again. Stark was conducted back to the land of the dead by the sparrows that Thad summoned.
George Stark, by the way, was one way of interpreting the relationship between Stephen King and his "dark half", Richard Bachman. Richard is dead now (cancer of the pseudonym)... but like Stark, doesn't always seem to want to stay dead.
2. Interdimensional twins, or Twinners, are first explored in King's collaboration with Peter Straub, "The Talisman". In it, a young man named Jack Sawyer travels across the United States by "flipping" between our world and a parallel world called The Territories. During that time, he encounters many Twinners - his mother, for instance, has a Twinner who is the queen of The Territories, and Jack is trying to save them both. Jack was a Twinner once, himself, but his Twinner, Jason, was killed as a baby. Jack, however, did not die in his world, and thus gained a unique ability to go between worlds without adverse side effects.
This idea of Twinners is explored further in the sequel to "The Talisman", called "Black House", a little bit further in "Rose Madder", and further still in the last few books of the Dark Tower series. In this multiverse, many of our favorite characters are Twinners of each other, from different dimensions (or levels of the Dark Tower). Unlike true twins, who tend to gain separate personalities and interests through time, Twinners tend to be very similar people on whichever dimension they inhabit. Thusly, heroes are always heroes, villains are always villains, and the order of things is sustained.
The idea that there is a similar reflection of me on these levels is rather comforting.
But what if there's a dark reflection on this level of the Tower? What if I have a twin, maybe not by blood or age, but in some other less concrete way? Similar experiences, similar emotions... yet turning out completely differently? Not quite Beaumont and Stark, and not quite Twinners - somewhere in between?
Is that why I understand so well, and yet hardly at all?
For your consideration,
Grety
Monday, August 6, 2007
Explosive Sheep
Remember Worms? There were sheep you could launch at your enemies to explode them. There was even sheep guns, and super sheep. I wasn't always able to get the hang of the winds and the trajectories in Worms, but I had fun playing the game anyway. Plus, the worms were all really cute and silly-looking.
In Warcraft II, one could continuously click on a sheep (or another critter) to make it annoyed, then blow up. One of my own favorite things to do while waiting for the opposing force to attack.
In World of Warcraft, you can make your own explosive sheep as an engineer, and send them at your enemies. I've made quite a few with my paladin, and they're fun to use when I'm within range and want to call a mob to me without having to gain aggro by myself - gives me time to buff up.
Why am I talking about explosive sheep? Because the concept is very unrealistic. It's a cute idea - I mean, who would ever think of a sheep being dangerous?
Or maybe it's because someone actually tried to do it: my friend Travis, while talking on Skype with me, told me about how they discovered explosive sheep in the West Bank. Quoting ynetnews.com - "An IDF force operating in the West Bank on Monday morning uncovered an explosive device weighing 40 kilograms (88 pounds), which was hidden inside the corpse of a sheep." It was going to be used by the Palestinians as a terrorist weapon in an attack on a nearby settlement.
Now, although the idea of strapping explosives on a sheep and sending it into a settlement is gruesome on its own... To think of a sheep corpse being tossed in somewhere and exploding is almost as bad. True, at least the sheep isn't alive to be exploded, but still... gross.
Do android terrorists dream of electric explosive sheep?... Okay, I'll shut up now, before you can hit me.
Baaaaa,
Grety
In Warcraft II, one could continuously click on a sheep (or another critter) to make it annoyed, then blow up. One of my own favorite things to do while waiting for the opposing force to attack.
In World of Warcraft, you can make your own explosive sheep as an engineer, and send them at your enemies. I've made quite a few with my paladin, and they're fun to use when I'm within range and want to call a mob to me without having to gain aggro by myself - gives me time to buff up.
Why am I talking about explosive sheep? Because the concept is very unrealistic. It's a cute idea - I mean, who would ever think of a sheep being dangerous?
Or maybe it's because someone actually tried to do it: my friend Travis, while talking on Skype with me, told me about how they discovered explosive sheep in the West Bank. Quoting ynetnews.com - "An IDF force operating in the West Bank on Monday morning uncovered an explosive device weighing 40 kilograms (88 pounds), which was hidden inside the corpse of a sheep." It was going to be used by the Palestinians as a terrorist weapon in an attack on a nearby settlement.
Now, although the idea of strapping explosives on a sheep and sending it into a settlement is gruesome on its own... To think of a sheep corpse being tossed in somewhere and exploding is almost as bad. True, at least the sheep isn't alive to be exploded, but still... gross.
Do android terrorists dream of electric explosive sheep?... Okay, I'll shut up now, before you can hit me.
Baaaaa,
Grety
Sunday, August 5, 2007
Aftermath
It seems that sanity is being restored on all counts. I felt a lot better after a decent night's sleep, even though I woke up at 6 AM to find the power out. That happens a lot, me waking up when the power goes out here - and it's done it often this summer. I don't know why it happens so often, but I think I know why I wake up so easily - my alarm clock, when disconnected from power, makes an "eeeep" noise, and even if I don't remember hearing it when I wake, that's probably what wakes me up.
Today I was able to laugh, to talk normally. Mike blasted both me and Susie with the air-hoses today - we use them to dry off tools and lenses, but he used them to blast our ponytails up. I laughed like crazy. Today was an easier day for work, too, and I finally filled out my resume for Susie to fax to the Palmdale Lenscrafters. I shouldn't have procrastinated so long, but it'll still be a month before I work there, for certain, so I guess I've had time.
I slept not long after I got home. I've gotten into Case's habit of sleeping after work... I'm not sure whether that's a good thing or a bad thing, but it seems to help, at least temporarily. It may be unconscious prep for when I'm working hours similar to his, and we both nap at the same time. That would be nice to think, but it's probably not that.
It was cooler today, and it felt nice. After all the sticky nights I've had, it's refreshing to be able to pull a blanket over myself at night.
... distracted by gaming, sorry. I haven't been on WoW in a little while, except to show Cyrus my toons. But flash games... there's a site called Addictinggames.com, where they have flash games of all kinds. I tend to go for puzzles and strategy - I just solved a mystery about a murder at a fairground. Who was that little girl, though? How did she know so much? Nah, it doesn't matter.
Bedtime soon - work starts at 9:30 tomorrow, and goes until 6 (unless things are slow, in which case I might be let off early). Cyrus has already gone to bed, over an hour ago. He's more sane now, too - he's turned 25 half an hour ago; I should have wished him a happy birthday before he logged, but I imagine I'll get the chance in the upcoming evening.
So in the aftermath, things are reaching a more normal balance. And even though the past events have affected me a lot, they aren't going to change my plans. Everything will keep going forward with me, and soon I'll be where I'm supposed to be... with my love.
Looking for the happily ever after,
Grety
Today I was able to laugh, to talk normally. Mike blasted both me and Susie with the air-hoses today - we use them to dry off tools and lenses, but he used them to blast our ponytails up. I laughed like crazy. Today was an easier day for work, too, and I finally filled out my resume for Susie to fax to the Palmdale Lenscrafters. I shouldn't have procrastinated so long, but it'll still be a month before I work there, for certain, so I guess I've had time.
I slept not long after I got home. I've gotten into Case's habit of sleeping after work... I'm not sure whether that's a good thing or a bad thing, but it seems to help, at least temporarily. It may be unconscious prep for when I'm working hours similar to his, and we both nap at the same time. That would be nice to think, but it's probably not that.
It was cooler today, and it felt nice. After all the sticky nights I've had, it's refreshing to be able to pull a blanket over myself at night.
... distracted by gaming, sorry. I haven't been on WoW in a little while, except to show Cyrus my toons. But flash games... there's a site called Addictinggames.com, where they have flash games of all kinds. I tend to go for puzzles and strategy - I just solved a mystery about a murder at a fairground. Who was that little girl, though? How did she know so much? Nah, it doesn't matter.
Bedtime soon - work starts at 9:30 tomorrow, and goes until 6 (unless things are slow, in which case I might be let off early). Cyrus has already gone to bed, over an hour ago. He's more sane now, too - he's turned 25 half an hour ago; I should have wished him a happy birthday before he logged, but I imagine I'll get the chance in the upcoming evening.
So in the aftermath, things are reaching a more normal balance. And even though the past events have affected me a lot, they aren't going to change my plans. Everything will keep going forward with me, and soon I'll be where I'm supposed to be... with my love.
Looking for the happily ever after,
Grety
Saturday, August 4, 2007
Exhaustion
Going to bed relatively early again. I napped a few hours ago, and I feel that if I don't try to fall asleep again soon, I'll stay up until the wee hours of the morning and be even more drained.
I went to work in a kind of state of shock. There wasn't much that could make me smile. I kept thinking that I would get a call saying that they found his body. I imagined visiting his grave, and that scared me a lot. The idea of the people I care about dying, or myself dying at such a young age, brings the choking feeling of tears to my throat. I try not to think along those lines, but I couldn't get it out of my head. If someone had asked me what I was thinking about at work, my first answer would have been "Suicide - but not mine". That word was in my head, just like it was for Jack Torrance in The Shining. Like Danny, having the word in one's head evokes so much fear, even when one doesn't fully understand it. My stomach felt awful later - maybe it was the McDonalds food, but Case thinks it was the stress, the worry. I felt like throwing up - I've never done that under stress, but I know it can be done, and there's always a first time for every embarrassment.
Mike Purvis, one of the head folk out on the sales floor, held back a tray with a frame in it when I reached for it through the window. I gave him a weak smile, and he handed it to me, asking why I was so serious all the time. I told him that I had a lot of my mind. He told me to take some deep breaths... I don't think that would have helped, but I was a little touched by his concern. There are really no horrible people where I work... there are some that may not hit the right notes with me sometimes, but they're all caring folk, with their good days and their bad days. Also, Mike rides his motorcycle to work - I've kicked off my Tevas and left them next to his riding boots several times.
Near the end of the day, I thought - what if Cyrus was the three-headed cat? That made eerie sense to me. The time was right (morning), the bed was the one he slept on, the kitten was crying out, and I wasn't sure what to do with it when I found out how it was. I associate cats with Cyrus, since he's had four since I've known him (two have died, sadly). As for the three heads - I'm not sure, maybe because Cyrus and Cerberus (the three-headed dog guarding the Underworld) aren't horribly far apart in sound. Maybe it's just the fact that both the kitten in the man had problems with themselves that they didn't know how to fix. But Cyrus... I was never repulsed by him, even at his worst moments... at least, not the more accepted form of the word repulsion The more truthful meaning was that yes, he was pushing me away. And I felt pity for him, and confusion... but I wanted so badly to take away his despair... to fix that inner part of his heart that has become so horribly warped. I wanted to see him smile again, to not look at me with such mute agony, or to avoid my gaze completely.
In the end, I was shocked by the extent of it all. But during everything else, I was not afraid. I loved him once, remember? I was willing to accept his vulnerability, and I never, NEVER, wanted to do anything to hurt him. He was already hurting himself so much, and I just couldn't understand it. Couldn't fathom it. As dark as I've felt, as hopeless as I've felt, it's never gone as far as I saw it had gone with him. And part of me was saying, is saying, will always be saying: "You did this. You made him the way he is now. You can try to fix it all you want, but you made him like this. If you hadn't done things the way you had, he would have never despaired as he has. You're the one that twisted part of him so it couldn't be fixed."
Bullshit, my friends will say. Even Cyrus might say that. But I really don't know if I can believe any of them on this point. Maybe things would have gone badly for him, even without my presence (we'll never know), but I made things worse, in the long run. I gave him happiness, and then took it away with my thoughtlessness. I can say that I was young, that I didn't know what I was doing, that I thought I was doing what was best for me at the time... but those all sound like such weak excuses for me.
Despite all I've tried to do to set it aside, my past will always haunt me. From what I've seen today, there's no way to reconcile my past actions. The damage has been done, and nothing seems to have been able to repair it, even after five years. Maybe that bleakness will seem less horrible once I get some rest. I hope it does.
Alone in the dark,
Grety
I went to work in a kind of state of shock. There wasn't much that could make me smile. I kept thinking that I would get a call saying that they found his body. I imagined visiting his grave, and that scared me a lot. The idea of the people I care about dying, or myself dying at such a young age, brings the choking feeling of tears to my throat. I try not to think along those lines, but I couldn't get it out of my head. If someone had asked me what I was thinking about at work, my first answer would have been "Suicide - but not mine". That word was in my head, just like it was for Jack Torrance in The Shining. Like Danny, having the word in one's head evokes so much fear, even when one doesn't fully understand it. My stomach felt awful later - maybe it was the McDonalds food, but Case thinks it was the stress, the worry. I felt like throwing up - I've never done that under stress, but I know it can be done, and there's always a first time for every embarrassment.
Mike Purvis, one of the head folk out on the sales floor, held back a tray with a frame in it when I reached for it through the window. I gave him a weak smile, and he handed it to me, asking why I was so serious all the time. I told him that I had a lot of my mind. He told me to take some deep breaths... I don't think that would have helped, but I was a little touched by his concern. There are really no horrible people where I work... there are some that may not hit the right notes with me sometimes, but they're all caring folk, with their good days and their bad days. Also, Mike rides his motorcycle to work - I've kicked off my Tevas and left them next to his riding boots several times.
Near the end of the day, I thought - what if Cyrus was the three-headed cat? That made eerie sense to me. The time was right (morning), the bed was the one he slept on, the kitten was crying out, and I wasn't sure what to do with it when I found out how it was. I associate cats with Cyrus, since he's had four since I've known him (two have died, sadly). As for the three heads - I'm not sure, maybe because Cyrus and Cerberus (the three-headed dog guarding the Underworld) aren't horribly far apart in sound. Maybe it's just the fact that both the kitten in the man had problems with themselves that they didn't know how to fix. But Cyrus... I was never repulsed by him, even at his worst moments... at least, not the more accepted form of the word repulsion The more truthful meaning was that yes, he was pushing me away. And I felt pity for him, and confusion... but I wanted so badly to take away his despair... to fix that inner part of his heart that has become so horribly warped. I wanted to see him smile again, to not look at me with such mute agony, or to avoid my gaze completely.
In the end, I was shocked by the extent of it all. But during everything else, I was not afraid. I loved him once, remember? I was willing to accept his vulnerability, and I never, NEVER, wanted to do anything to hurt him. He was already hurting himself so much, and I just couldn't understand it. Couldn't fathom it. As dark as I've felt, as hopeless as I've felt, it's never gone as far as I saw it had gone with him. And part of me was saying, is saying, will always be saying: "You did this. You made him the way he is now. You can try to fix it all you want, but you made him like this. If you hadn't done things the way you had, he would have never despaired as he has. You're the one that twisted part of him so it couldn't be fixed."
Bullshit, my friends will say. Even Cyrus might say that. But I really don't know if I can believe any of them on this point. Maybe things would have gone badly for him, even without my presence (we'll never know), but I made things worse, in the long run. I gave him happiness, and then took it away with my thoughtlessness. I can say that I was young, that I didn't know what I was doing, that I thought I was doing what was best for me at the time... but those all sound like such weak excuses for me.
Despite all I've tried to do to set it aside, my past will always haunt me. From what I've seen today, there's no way to reconcile my past actions. The damage has been done, and nothing seems to have been able to repair it, even after five years. Maybe that bleakness will seem less horrible once I get some rest. I hope it does.
Alone in the dark,
Grety
Broken
My heart is breaking. My hope for the past couple of days has disappeared. One question. One damn question, one angry Grety, and everything fell apart.
He hurts... so damn much. I tried so hard to reach him. I tried so hard to help him see that life is worth living. I wept at the thought of learning about him committing suicide. Because now I'm really afraid that he might. "This is the real me," he said, harshly. If he's telling the truth, and everything up to this morning was a mask... then what can I really do?
I've been dark. I've been hopeless before. Every time I have, I've started paying attention to another person's feelings, and my own then become less of an issue. Sometimes it's taken a little anger on my part, a little bitterness, a little spite... but in the end I always listen. Always change over, for the better. But he couldn't. He could apologize, and he did, so often. But it's not the same - there was so little empathy in it. He couldn't reach out. So many times he tried to push me away. Maybe he was right... but it's my instinct to reach out to people, to help them feel that someone else is trying to share and take on their pain. To not try to do that would bring me down to the level of the thoughtless people I grew up with in high school.
I can't stop caring. I tried it once, and thought it worked. I was wrong - I started dreaming about him, about reconciling with him, and that woke up that hopeful part of me. Everything seemed fine on Thursday night. Everything seemed all right last night. I thought I would have been able to leave Vermont knowing that I hadn't caused any more pain. I was so wrong. So very, very wrong.
I'm not sure what I should do now - call his folks? As estranged as he may be from them, I know they still love him. I don't know if there's anyone else he'll listen to. I can't reach him, and I think that I still mean a lot to him. I feel so helpless in this... I know I have to keep going on with my life, but what do I do with this? I've seen him as he hates to be seen, when he's been vulnerable, but I could never reassure him. He doesn't want me to be there for him as a friend - he's afraid that it will hurt too much, that things might happen again the way they did this morning... the way they did almost a year ago.
I don't know what to do. I only know my spirit is broken for the day... maybe for a while.
Still here,
Grety
He hurts... so damn much. I tried so hard to reach him. I tried so hard to help him see that life is worth living. I wept at the thought of learning about him committing suicide. Because now I'm really afraid that he might. "This is the real me," he said, harshly. If he's telling the truth, and everything up to this morning was a mask... then what can I really do?
I've been dark. I've been hopeless before. Every time I have, I've started paying attention to another person's feelings, and my own then become less of an issue. Sometimes it's taken a little anger on my part, a little bitterness, a little spite... but in the end I always listen. Always change over, for the better. But he couldn't. He could apologize, and he did, so often. But it's not the same - there was so little empathy in it. He couldn't reach out. So many times he tried to push me away. Maybe he was right... but it's my instinct to reach out to people, to help them feel that someone else is trying to share and take on their pain. To not try to do that would bring me down to the level of the thoughtless people I grew up with in high school.
I can't stop caring. I tried it once, and thought it worked. I was wrong - I started dreaming about him, about reconciling with him, and that woke up that hopeful part of me. Everything seemed fine on Thursday night. Everything seemed all right last night. I thought I would have been able to leave Vermont knowing that I hadn't caused any more pain. I was so wrong. So very, very wrong.
I'm not sure what I should do now - call his folks? As estranged as he may be from them, I know they still love him. I don't know if there's anyone else he'll listen to. I can't reach him, and I think that I still mean a lot to him. I feel so helpless in this... I know I have to keep going on with my life, but what do I do with this? I've seen him as he hates to be seen, when he's been vulnerable, but I could never reassure him. He doesn't want me to be there for him as a friend - he's afraid that it will hurt too much, that things might happen again the way they did this morning... the way they did almost a year ago.
I don't know what to do. I only know my spirit is broken for the day... maybe for a while.
Still here,
Grety
Friday, August 3, 2007
Impulse Power
Right now everything is sweaty and sluggish. I was so tired from work, that I wanted to have a drink. And I didn't want to do it alone, so I called Cyrus up. With a little prodding, I managed to convince him to come up here so we could have a drink together. We ran into Josie, a girl from our high school days, when we were trying to get into the Daily Planet - that was a surprise. We stopped at another bar before deciding to go out and get a 12-pack from Pearl St. Beverages and bring it back here.
Eight beers were consumed during the night - three of them were consumed by me, and I could feel them. It's been a while since I've had a beer, let alone three, so I was nice and buzzed and a tad unsteady. We watched "Sin City", which Cyrus had never seen before - I was surprised at that, since that film has been out for a while. We watched, and drank, and sweated; let me tell you, it's hot in a room with another person around... I remember it from when Case stayed here, and Griffin, but back then the weather was cooler outside.
Cyrus is staying the night - has to get up early so he can move his car from where it's parked (or else get ticketed). Odd, having another person here... with Griffin, it was one thing, since he and I have been on close but platonic terms since we've known each other. But Cyrus... I'm taking the couch, since I've been sleeping on it a lot, and he's on my bed, which I made up just for him. It's strange... not like the years have been turned back, and I'm seventeen again... but still. I'm such a different person now, and probably he is too... but he's still attracted to me. Nothing came of it, mind you... and nothing ever will - my heart is completely sure on that count.
But I remember. We remembered a lot tonight. Good times that we had. Apologizing for the pain we caused each other. Maybe there's resolution, maybe not. In a month, it won't matter too much - most of our communcation will be done here, anyway. That's all right with me.
Anyway, the title... it's because I invited Cyrus up here on impulse. It was one thing when he was already going to be up here for Drinking Liberally, but this was different. And I even made the effort to tidy... it'll probably help out later, when I'm packing. I used to never do things on impulse - there were too many variables to consider, most of the time. But tonight I felt like I needed a drink, and that I needed a drinking companion - Nick was headed to Cape Cod, Jacob probably wouldn't have wanted company, Will has been almost more problematic than Cyrus, Carolyn's in New York, and I don't think Amanda and Rich drink too much. And I was encouraged by the way things went the night before, down at the waterfront.
So here I am. Let's hope more breezes come in.
Overheated but all right,
Grety
Eight beers were consumed during the night - three of them were consumed by me, and I could feel them. It's been a while since I've had a beer, let alone three, so I was nice and buzzed and a tad unsteady. We watched "Sin City", which Cyrus had never seen before - I was surprised at that, since that film has been out for a while. We watched, and drank, and sweated; let me tell you, it's hot in a room with another person around... I remember it from when Case stayed here, and Griffin, but back then the weather was cooler outside.
Cyrus is staying the night - has to get up early so he can move his car from where it's parked (or else get ticketed). Odd, having another person here... with Griffin, it was one thing, since he and I have been on close but platonic terms since we've known each other. But Cyrus... I'm taking the couch, since I've been sleeping on it a lot, and he's on my bed, which I made up just for him. It's strange... not like the years have been turned back, and I'm seventeen again... but still. I'm such a different person now, and probably he is too... but he's still attracted to me. Nothing came of it, mind you... and nothing ever will - my heart is completely sure on that count.
But I remember. We remembered a lot tonight. Good times that we had. Apologizing for the pain we caused each other. Maybe there's resolution, maybe not. In a month, it won't matter too much - most of our communcation will be done here, anyway. That's all right with me.
Anyway, the title... it's because I invited Cyrus up here on impulse. It was one thing when he was already going to be up here for Drinking Liberally, but this was different. And I even made the effort to tidy... it'll probably help out later, when I'm packing. I used to never do things on impulse - there were too many variables to consider, most of the time. But tonight I felt like I needed a drink, and that I needed a drinking companion - Nick was headed to Cape Cod, Jacob probably wouldn't have wanted company, Will has been almost more problematic than Cyrus, Carolyn's in New York, and I don't think Amanda and Rich drink too much. And I was encouraged by the way things went the night before, down at the waterfront.
So here I am. Let's hope more breezes come in.
Overheated but all right,
Grety
Thursday, August 2, 2007
Strange Days
By far, this has been one of the strangest.
First, the bed. For some reason, the bed is being hostile to me. I can't get comfortable on it on these hot days. I tried sleeping on it last night. Just before I woke up, it gave me a dream. I was lying on my bed, about ready to get up, and I hear a kitten. I remember thinking, "I hope they let me keep it, I'm only here for another month - what will they do, kick me out early?" I also wondered what I'd do with it afterwards, because I probably shouldn't take a kitten moving across country. Then the kitten jumped on my bed. It looked to be a striped kitten, cute... until it looked at me head-on. And then I saw it had three heads. Not three cute kitten heads, three mutant heads. I was repulsed. I felt pity for it, because I knew that it couldn't help the way it was born. And I wondered what I could do with it - I couldn't get up, because it was walking on my chest.
Then I woke up. That dream haunted me for the rest of the day.
Second was at work. Lenscrafters has this program with CCV - students going into the optician field come to our lab to work on stuff. Most of these students are women, but there's one guy - his name is Adam. He and I get along really well - most folks probably aren't surprised by that - but he works on Tuesdays, and I haven't worked on Tuesdays for a while. I was talking with my supervisor, Susie, about schedule changes. She was going to scribble me out for next Tuesday, but I protested - besides the good hours, I would have liked to work with Adam. Not a minute after she and talked about him - he walks in. He worked until 4:30 today, and I was pleased and surprised.
Third was at my lunch break. I checked my phone - I had kept in my locker because the Regional Manager was in this morning, so I wouldn't want the phone on me then. I saw that I had a call from Jacob and my parents. I called back my parents, and found out that they were in town, and were looking for me at my apartment. I asked them to come to the mall to talk. I waited for them outside, in the 90-degree weather, and called Case (as I usually do on my breaks). While talking with him, Cyrus called, but I couldn't answer (since I don't have the hang of call-waiting yet). After talking with Case, I called Cyrus. As I talk with him, my dad shows up - from behind me, from the mall. Apparently they went to the wrong door. I promised to call Cyrus back, then followed him through the mall to the car. Mom and Rowan were there - I told them about Case being able to come to the wedding, and the asphalt stuck in my back tire, and how Case will help me buy new tires. Dad said that he would look up the make/model of my one good driving tire, so we could get three more instead of four. Due to the talk with my folks, however, I came back three minutes before my break was up, so I couldn't eat. I missed eating with Adam, too.
After I got off from work, I called Cyrus and arranged to meet him at American Flatbread at 9:30. Lots of time, then, so I decided to come home and eat. After eating, I got sleepy, so I took a nap.
Fourth weirdness - my couch. This is what I've been sleeping on more and more often these days. It's just felt more comfortable, for whatever reason, even though I haven't been stretching out fully. I napped on it, interrupted only once by Case, and just before I woke up for good, I had another dream. In this one, Case asked me, very formally, if I would be his girlfriend. I felt happy, then I woke up, thinking "Not only will I be your girlfriend, I'll be your wife!" I might have even said that out loud as I got ready to go downtown.
Fifth - Cyrus. Last time I met with Cyrus, I was totally on edge. He made me nervous beyond understanding. This time, though... it was like with any of my other friends. We met at American Flatbread, then went down to the Waterfront and sat on one of those porch swings and talked about... life. We reminisced a bit on our relationship, all wonderful nostalgic memories. He even said that, during our relationship, that I was "great for him". That meant a lot to me. I felt I could talk to him about my plans with Case with no hesitation, and he congratulated me on my engagement. When we parted, we hugged - neither of us had had one in a while, and it felt good. I expect I'll see him later in the next couple of weeks, before I go.
So that was my weird day. Good things, bad things, but definitely eventful. And I'm pretty sure that tonight I'll be sleeping on the couch again, fan blowing on me because it's hotter than hell, hoping for those good dreams to return.
Stickily yours,
Grety
First, the bed. For some reason, the bed is being hostile to me. I can't get comfortable on it on these hot days. I tried sleeping on it last night. Just before I woke up, it gave me a dream. I was lying on my bed, about ready to get up, and I hear a kitten. I remember thinking, "I hope they let me keep it, I'm only here for another month - what will they do, kick me out early?" I also wondered what I'd do with it afterwards, because I probably shouldn't take a kitten moving across country. Then the kitten jumped on my bed. It looked to be a striped kitten, cute... until it looked at me head-on. And then I saw it had three heads. Not three cute kitten heads, three mutant heads. I was repulsed. I felt pity for it, because I knew that it couldn't help the way it was born. And I wondered what I could do with it - I couldn't get up, because it was walking on my chest.
Then I woke up. That dream haunted me for the rest of the day.
Second was at work. Lenscrafters has this program with CCV - students going into the optician field come to our lab to work on stuff. Most of these students are women, but there's one guy - his name is Adam. He and I get along really well - most folks probably aren't surprised by that - but he works on Tuesdays, and I haven't worked on Tuesdays for a while. I was talking with my supervisor, Susie, about schedule changes. She was going to scribble me out for next Tuesday, but I protested - besides the good hours, I would have liked to work with Adam. Not a minute after she and talked about him - he walks in. He worked until 4:30 today, and I was pleased and surprised.
Third was at my lunch break. I checked my phone - I had kept in my locker because the Regional Manager was in this morning, so I wouldn't want the phone on me then. I saw that I had a call from Jacob and my parents. I called back my parents, and found out that they were in town, and were looking for me at my apartment. I asked them to come to the mall to talk. I waited for them outside, in the 90-degree weather, and called Case (as I usually do on my breaks). While talking with him, Cyrus called, but I couldn't answer (since I don't have the hang of call-waiting yet). After talking with Case, I called Cyrus. As I talk with him, my dad shows up - from behind me, from the mall. Apparently they went to the wrong door. I promised to call Cyrus back, then followed him through the mall to the car. Mom and Rowan were there - I told them about Case being able to come to the wedding, and the asphalt stuck in my back tire, and how Case will help me buy new tires. Dad said that he would look up the make/model of my one good driving tire, so we could get three more instead of four. Due to the talk with my folks, however, I came back three minutes before my break was up, so I couldn't eat. I missed eating with Adam, too.
After I got off from work, I called Cyrus and arranged to meet him at American Flatbread at 9:30. Lots of time, then, so I decided to come home and eat. After eating, I got sleepy, so I took a nap.
Fourth weirdness - my couch. This is what I've been sleeping on more and more often these days. It's just felt more comfortable, for whatever reason, even though I haven't been stretching out fully. I napped on it, interrupted only once by Case, and just before I woke up for good, I had another dream. In this one, Case asked me, very formally, if I would be his girlfriend. I felt happy, then I woke up, thinking "Not only will I be your girlfriend, I'll be your wife!" I might have even said that out loud as I got ready to go downtown.
Fifth - Cyrus. Last time I met with Cyrus, I was totally on edge. He made me nervous beyond understanding. This time, though... it was like with any of my other friends. We met at American Flatbread, then went down to the Waterfront and sat on one of those porch swings and talked about... life. We reminisced a bit on our relationship, all wonderful nostalgic memories. He even said that, during our relationship, that I was "great for him". That meant a lot to me. I felt I could talk to him about my plans with Case with no hesitation, and he congratulated me on my engagement. When we parted, we hugged - neither of us had had one in a while, and it felt good. I expect I'll see him later in the next couple of weeks, before I go.
So that was my weird day. Good things, bad things, but definitely eventful. And I'm pretty sure that tonight I'll be sleeping on the couch again, fan blowing on me because it's hotter than hell, hoping for those good dreams to return.
Stickily yours,
Grety
Wednesday, August 1, 2007
Midnight is an Early Bedtime...
Yet I'm hearing the call. It would be a better habit to pick up, instead of these insomniac nights ending up with me crashing on my mini-couch because it's more comfortable. If it ends up that I can't sleep on the mattress, though, I'll take the sheets off and pack them away, since I won't be needing them where I'm going.
Today... good shower in the morning, waking me up fully. I drove out the driveway and discovered that instead of a flat, which I had feared, my left rear tire had a big chunk of asphalt stuck in it. I have no idea where I got it, but I'd like to get rid of it. The Internet has been remarkably unhelpful until now, when I typed in "dissolves asphalt". It seems that both motor oil and acetone can wear it away, so maybe I'll put a dose of my oil on the goo. Hopefully it won't dissolve my tire as well.
The District Manager was at work today - his name is Tony. I've worked at Lenscrafters for nearly a year, and I had never met him. Because of him, I had to wear gloves while coating lenses... annoying. He replaced a broken belt on the generator - five minutes after he walks out of the store, THAT belt breaks. Susie spent all the rest of her time in the lab trying to put a new belt on and tighten it up... then, in the process of that, she must have jiggled something or other with the machine, because the buttons on the panel on the front wouldn't work. She also got a nice jab in the jaw by Dan when he was trying to help out. Not a great day for Susie - I stayed cool and calm for her sake. Lucky me, I get to work with her AND Tony again tomorrow morning.
Good news, though - Case will be coming to my cousin's wedding after all. It didn't look promising, because her wedding is on September 1 - the Saturday before Labor Day. Labor Day is a big day for the Frito Lay distributors (which Case is part of), so the weekend before is very busy. But no! Case will be able to come at his leisure, and I'll be able to receive his aid in packing, as well as take him out to dinner at the little restaurant Nick and I discovered a couple weeks ago, tucked in the middle of a building behind American Flatbread. It's called the Blue Cat Café, opened sometime last fall (according to Seven Days). It serves Italian cuisine, including gelato! It's also advertised as a wine bar, so it might be a nice place for my mom and dad to go (especially since Mom's been to Italy); they serve beer as well, I had Blackbeary Wheat.
Case is also going to help me buy new tires for the road trip. He insists on splitting the costs, and who am I to argue with my fiancé? I'm just glad he'll make it out here, so we can have some time alone together while I still consider myself a resident of Burlington.
... before I sleep, I want to tell you that since I'm moving away from all of the people I'm familiar with (save one, of course), I feel the need to clear the slate. For good or for ill, the people I've gotten to know these college years have affected my life; thusly, all good feelings are recognized, and all bad feelings are forgiven. I also hope that you will forgive me for my own transgressions - I'm older and wiser now, and well aware that problems will always surround me, but I'll do my best not to make them worse than they should be.
I'll miss you all.
Until we meet again,
Grety
Today... good shower in the morning, waking me up fully. I drove out the driveway and discovered that instead of a flat, which I had feared, my left rear tire had a big chunk of asphalt stuck in it. I have no idea where I got it, but I'd like to get rid of it. The Internet has been remarkably unhelpful until now, when I typed in "dissolves asphalt". It seems that both motor oil and acetone can wear it away, so maybe I'll put a dose of my oil on the goo. Hopefully it won't dissolve my tire as well.
The District Manager was at work today - his name is Tony. I've worked at Lenscrafters for nearly a year, and I had never met him. Because of him, I had to wear gloves while coating lenses... annoying. He replaced a broken belt on the generator - five minutes after he walks out of the store, THAT belt breaks. Susie spent all the rest of her time in the lab trying to put a new belt on and tighten it up... then, in the process of that, she must have jiggled something or other with the machine, because the buttons on the panel on the front wouldn't work. She also got a nice jab in the jaw by Dan when he was trying to help out. Not a great day for Susie - I stayed cool and calm for her sake. Lucky me, I get to work with her AND Tony again tomorrow morning.
Good news, though - Case will be coming to my cousin's wedding after all. It didn't look promising, because her wedding is on September 1 - the Saturday before Labor Day. Labor Day is a big day for the Frito Lay distributors (which Case is part of), so the weekend before is very busy. But no! Case will be able to come at his leisure, and I'll be able to receive his aid in packing, as well as take him out to dinner at the little restaurant Nick and I discovered a couple weeks ago, tucked in the middle of a building behind American Flatbread. It's called the Blue Cat Café, opened sometime last fall (according to Seven Days). It serves Italian cuisine, including gelato! It's also advertised as a wine bar, so it might be a nice place for my mom and dad to go (especially since Mom's been to Italy); they serve beer as well, I had Blackbeary Wheat.
Case is also going to help me buy new tires for the road trip. He insists on splitting the costs, and who am I to argue with my fiancé? I'm just glad he'll make it out here, so we can have some time alone together while I still consider myself a resident of Burlington.
... before I sleep, I want to tell you that since I'm moving away from all of the people I'm familiar with (save one, of course), I feel the need to clear the slate. For good or for ill, the people I've gotten to know these college years have affected my life; thusly, all good feelings are recognized, and all bad feelings are forgiven. I also hope that you will forgive me for my own transgressions - I'm older and wiser now, and well aware that problems will always surround me, but I'll do my best not to make them worse than they should be.
I'll miss you all.
Until we meet again,
Grety
Global Warming
Oh, I know it's here. The fact that I have such a stuffy room at 4:30 in the morning is proof enough. The window's open wide, and there's a fan going on me, but I'm still sticky. My hair is so heavy - I wear it up at work now, in a ponytail or a bun, and I might just have to keep doing that when I'm off work, too. Plus I shed like a mofo. Hair everywhere.
I'm not the only one with the windows open. I hear things out there... sometimes it's drunk folk. Tonight, I heard screams. Fairly continuous screams. At first I was alarmed, because they sounded real... maybe someone was getting murdered? Then I remembered. This is a college town. The nights are hot, and so are the ladies. The fact that I do that sort of thing quietly sometimes makes me forget that other folks don't (including my next door neighbor; I could hear her through the bathroom doors once). Since it seemed to be fairly continuous, with no really coherent "NO!" sounds, it was most likely sex.
That's one of the rough parts about this relationship. For another month, I'm on my own. I swear, my physical contact (hugs, etc.) this summer has been nearly as low as it was when I was when I was at Whitcomb. And back then, I was a ghost, a shadow... a subtle curiosity. Those years were traumatizing, and I keep coming back to them again and again. Maybe I'll start disregarding them when I have kids of my own.
Funny thing... even with all the loneliness I go through, there's still those times when I get overwhelmed by the love. I can never find a reason for it - Case is usually in bed when I feel it, but wow... I wonder if it's when he dreams about me, if there's some sort of psychic connection there. I daresay we've had that sort of coincidence before - like when we were prepping for him to go home, the first time he visited. I took a shower one day, and he the day after. We discovered that while we were showering, the same song was running through our heads and making us sad - "I'm Going Home" from the Rocky Horror Picture Show soundtrack. Crazy, yes?
And now I'm going home - because home is where he is. And you may think I'm crazy, not only for changing my location so dramatically, but going somewhere where there's little to no winter. The heaviest jacket I'm bringing is my leather one. And I'm complaining about global warming here, aren't I? But here's the thing - Burlington is on a lake. The humidity is insane. There are also mosquitoes that breed well in such humidity. Palmdale, on the other hand, is in the desert. Dry heat, little to no mosquitoes. And they have a pool in the backyard - I plan to swim on a fairly regular basis, since the opportunity is there. There is also the hot-tub, for the cooler nights - Gretchen-tested and approved!
Sleep solid,
Grety
I'm not the only one with the windows open. I hear things out there... sometimes it's drunk folk. Tonight, I heard screams. Fairly continuous screams. At first I was alarmed, because they sounded real... maybe someone was getting murdered? Then I remembered. This is a college town. The nights are hot, and so are the ladies. The fact that I do that sort of thing quietly sometimes makes me forget that other folks don't (including my next door neighbor; I could hear her through the bathroom doors once). Since it seemed to be fairly continuous, with no really coherent "NO!" sounds, it was most likely sex.
That's one of the rough parts about this relationship. For another month, I'm on my own. I swear, my physical contact (hugs, etc.) this summer has been nearly as low as it was when I was when I was at Whitcomb. And back then, I was a ghost, a shadow... a subtle curiosity. Those years were traumatizing, and I keep coming back to them again and again. Maybe I'll start disregarding them when I have kids of my own.
Funny thing... even with all the loneliness I go through, there's still those times when I get overwhelmed by the love. I can never find a reason for it - Case is usually in bed when I feel it, but wow... I wonder if it's when he dreams about me, if there's some sort of psychic connection there. I daresay we've had that sort of coincidence before - like when we were prepping for him to go home, the first time he visited. I took a shower one day, and he the day after. We discovered that while we were showering, the same song was running through our heads and making us sad - "I'm Going Home" from the Rocky Horror Picture Show soundtrack. Crazy, yes?
And now I'm going home - because home is where he is. And you may think I'm crazy, not only for changing my location so dramatically, but going somewhere where there's little to no winter. The heaviest jacket I'm bringing is my leather one. And I'm complaining about global warming here, aren't I? But here's the thing - Burlington is on a lake. The humidity is insane. There are also mosquitoes that breed well in such humidity. Palmdale, on the other hand, is in the desert. Dry heat, little to no mosquitoes. And they have a pool in the backyard - I plan to swim on a fairly regular basis, since the opportunity is there. There is also the hot-tub, for the cooler nights - Gretchen-tested and approved!
Sleep solid,
Grety
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
The Design
Okay, now that I've introduced myself, let me explain what's going on here, on this blog.
The title and theme floating around this is from the seventh book of Stephen King's Dark Tower series. The picture underneath the title is actually from his short story "The Little Sisters of Eluria", and the picture in the sidebar is from The Wastelands, the third book in the series. The title above that particular picture is a line from "Childe Roland to the Dark Tower Came" by Robert Browning - although the poem doesn't mention roses at all, that is what King's tower is in the midst of - a gigantic field of roses. Near the end of the seventh book, King explains exactly what these roses are and do.
I suppose the seventh book appeals to me so much because it draws together all the elements that have built up over the six previous books, as well as various links from other King novels that only briefly reference the Dark Tower canon. For example, Walter O'dim (better known as Flagg from Eyes of the Dragon and Randall Flagg from The Stand) is wearing a hoodie that he "borrowed" from French's Landing, Wisconsin, the site of the King-Straub collaboration, Black House. Another example is the character Patrick Danville, who was the target of the Crimson King's machinations in Insomnia (my favorite Stephen King novel to date). Patrick plays the part that he was mentioned and meant to play, but how he came from being a slightly battered, yet happy boy to a voiceless young man is not completely known.
The seventh book is also a book of endings. Resolutions. King gave it four subtitles - Reproduction, Revelation, Redemption, and Resumption. The final subtitle is actually the subtitle that he later gave to his first novel in the series, The Gunslinger. That is telling - because if the reader decides to go past the given ending and read the coda of the book, they will understand why that subtitle is there. The whole series, it turns out, is a cycle. Roland will start on his journey again and again until... until what? Each time, he changes a little, and hopefully he learns, although he also starts afresh, with no true memory of what occurred to him when and before he reached the Tower. The tarot reading in the end of the first novel now becomes clearer - Walter's final card drawn was Life ("... but not for you"). Roland does not die, but neither does he live in the sense of time that we do. He may have started out as a mortal, but he has gained an aspect which keeps him in this long loop... maybe it's because he has indeed become a Hero, the last that those worlds will ever truly see.
And he is a tale! As King has said in other stories, "it is the tale, not he who tells it". As long as these stories exist, Roland is immortal, and folks like me will go back and read his story through and through, over and over, relearning all the details. Folks like me... the obsessives, maybe, but can I really call myself an expert yet? I've impressed my old advisor (and second dad), Tony Magistrale, with the knowledge that I have of King's canon. I want to write the second Stephen King encyclopedia, once I have the ability to focus on the texts. It'll be time-consuming, and it'll take years, and I need to talk to the first author to see what may be necessary (hopefully Tony can help me out there). But it is my logical dream, my ambition, and with time, I will get it done. King's writing has slowed considerably since his accident in 1999, so there will be less worry of missing out on new novels.
Until then, there is the Tower to continually delve into - the linch-pin of all worlds, all the universes that King has created. Such a multiverse is what I want as my mental playground.
Hile and well met,
Grety
The title and theme floating around this is from the seventh book of Stephen King's Dark Tower series. The picture underneath the title is actually from his short story "The Little Sisters of Eluria", and the picture in the sidebar is from The Wastelands, the third book in the series. The title above that particular picture is a line from "Childe Roland to the Dark Tower Came" by Robert Browning - although the poem doesn't mention roses at all, that is what King's tower is in the midst of - a gigantic field of roses. Near the end of the seventh book, King explains exactly what these roses are and do.
I suppose the seventh book appeals to me so much because it draws together all the elements that have built up over the six previous books, as well as various links from other King novels that only briefly reference the Dark Tower canon. For example, Walter O'dim (better known as Flagg from Eyes of the Dragon and Randall Flagg from The Stand) is wearing a hoodie that he "borrowed" from French's Landing, Wisconsin, the site of the King-Straub collaboration, Black House. Another example is the character Patrick Danville, who was the target of the Crimson King's machinations in Insomnia (my favorite Stephen King novel to date). Patrick plays the part that he was mentioned and meant to play, but how he came from being a slightly battered, yet happy boy to a voiceless young man is not completely known.
The seventh book is also a book of endings. Resolutions. King gave it four subtitles - Reproduction, Revelation, Redemption, and Resumption. The final subtitle is actually the subtitle that he later gave to his first novel in the series, The Gunslinger. That is telling - because if the reader decides to go past the given ending and read the coda of the book, they will understand why that subtitle is there. The whole series, it turns out, is a cycle. Roland will start on his journey again and again until... until what? Each time, he changes a little, and hopefully he learns, although he also starts afresh, with no true memory of what occurred to him when and before he reached the Tower. The tarot reading in the end of the first novel now becomes clearer - Walter's final card drawn was Life ("... but not for you"). Roland does not die, but neither does he live in the sense of time that we do. He may have started out as a mortal, but he has gained an aspect which keeps him in this long loop... maybe it's because he has indeed become a Hero, the last that those worlds will ever truly see.
And he is a tale! As King has said in other stories, "it is the tale, not he who tells it". As long as these stories exist, Roland is immortal, and folks like me will go back and read his story through and through, over and over, relearning all the details. Folks like me... the obsessives, maybe, but can I really call myself an expert yet? I've impressed my old advisor (and second dad), Tony Magistrale, with the knowledge that I have of King's canon. I want to write the second Stephen King encyclopedia, once I have the ability to focus on the texts. It'll be time-consuming, and it'll take years, and I need to talk to the first author to see what may be necessary (hopefully Tony can help me out there). But it is my logical dream, my ambition, and with time, I will get it done. King's writing has slowed considerably since his accident in 1999, so there will be less worry of missing out on new novels.
Until then, there is the Tower to continually delve into - the linch-pin of all worlds, all the universes that King has created. Such a multiverse is what I want as my mental playground.
Hile and well met,
Grety
And So It Starts
In a month, I'm away from nearly all that I'm familiar with.
The folks that I once hung out with have drifted away, like leaves on a breezy lake. I will miss them, but at the same time there's some relief - i was always pinning my hopes on them, wishing for company, for someone to call me up and say, Hey, Gretchen, do you want to go here and do this? Sure, this did happen a few times... sometimes with good results, sometimes not. It's only through such outings that I realized my love for Dark and Stormies - a mix of rum and ginger beer. Some of these outings also helped me realize that folks can be more disturbing than even they know.
In a month, I'll be hanging out with new people, and familiar people, and the one person that I want to spend the rest of my life with. My true match, my companion. Soulbound and loving it. Yes, I know I'm whipped. And that he is as well. I've never truly felt a love that's been so solid, lasted so long without a single lapse. And long-distance, yet! Sure, we go on "dates" in WoW, doing quests together on our toons. He texts me at work, and I call him when I go on my lunch break. But apart from visits on both sides of the country, we really haven't spent so much time together. But we want to live together, more than anything else. First with his family - it'll be close quarters, I know, what with his parents, two brothers, his sister and her husband and their little baby daughter, Audrey.
But I've been so lonely in this room. The ceiling is so high, the walls so bare... it's empty, except for me, and it almost always stays that way. No stove, no separation between preparation and relaxation. It's a mess. God help me on the day when it has to disappear - for it will. Some things will be left behind - my desk, the round table... but not the couch. That couch has held my body curled up for nap after nap, or with my feet up and pressed against the wall. Plus, it folds out to a bed, which has hosted three different people over the spring and summer. And it's very, very light. I just need a little space to store it... the microwave is going to be saved, too. Far too reminiscent of home to leave behind. Speakers and stereo will be stored, along with all my utensils and dishware (except for my personal mug, I think I'm taking that with me). Computer will be coming with me, with its original speakers to save space. My clothes... hopefully what I bring will all fit into the big blue duffelbag (the one that I can fit into - seriously). I can definitely skimp on the heavy stuff, since I'll be living out in the desert. Oh, and the mini-fridge is coming, too - it'll come in handy for Case's room, in case we want to store snacks and drinks so that his family doesn't consume them in our absence.
Ah, my readers... the chapter of my college life has come to an end. I have my B.A in English, with the minor in Religion. I have a solid job at Lenscrafters, which will be transferred once I settle in Case's hometown. I have my car, my computer, my health. And most of all, I have my love, which has kept me from going completely insane during these last few months. Sometimes this love even inspires me to write...
I wish to give you words of love, my dear,
That Aphrodite, throned in cloud and sky
Would smile and weep, my flow'ry lines to hear,
Devotion from a woman such as I.
My darling man, you are my diamond light,
The sun and star that guides me to your heart,
That never fades in shadow, nor in night,
Nor over miles that keep us now apart.
Our souls entwined, the weaving of our fates
Comes clearer as the chapter comes to close
In a story that our destiny creates,
As seeds and summer bloom a gorgeous rose.
So we do bloom, in reason and in rhyme,
To love and live together for all our time.
Sweet dreams,
Grety
The folks that I once hung out with have drifted away, like leaves on a breezy lake. I will miss them, but at the same time there's some relief - i was always pinning my hopes on them, wishing for company, for someone to call me up and say, Hey, Gretchen, do you want to go here and do this? Sure, this did happen a few times... sometimes with good results, sometimes not. It's only through such outings that I realized my love for Dark and Stormies - a mix of rum and ginger beer. Some of these outings also helped me realize that folks can be more disturbing than even they know.
In a month, I'll be hanging out with new people, and familiar people, and the one person that I want to spend the rest of my life with. My true match, my companion. Soulbound and loving it. Yes, I know I'm whipped. And that he is as well. I've never truly felt a love that's been so solid, lasted so long without a single lapse. And long-distance, yet! Sure, we go on "dates" in WoW, doing quests together on our toons. He texts me at work, and I call him when I go on my lunch break. But apart from visits on both sides of the country, we really haven't spent so much time together. But we want to live together, more than anything else. First with his family - it'll be close quarters, I know, what with his parents, two brothers, his sister and her husband and their little baby daughter, Audrey.
But I've been so lonely in this room. The ceiling is so high, the walls so bare... it's empty, except for me, and it almost always stays that way. No stove, no separation between preparation and relaxation. It's a mess. God help me on the day when it has to disappear - for it will. Some things will be left behind - my desk, the round table... but not the couch. That couch has held my body curled up for nap after nap, or with my feet up and pressed against the wall. Plus, it folds out to a bed, which has hosted three different people over the spring and summer. And it's very, very light. I just need a little space to store it... the microwave is going to be saved, too. Far too reminiscent of home to leave behind. Speakers and stereo will be stored, along with all my utensils and dishware (except for my personal mug, I think I'm taking that with me). Computer will be coming with me, with its original speakers to save space. My clothes... hopefully what I bring will all fit into the big blue duffelbag (the one that I can fit into - seriously). I can definitely skimp on the heavy stuff, since I'll be living out in the desert. Oh, and the mini-fridge is coming, too - it'll come in handy for Case's room, in case we want to store snacks and drinks so that his family doesn't consume them in our absence.
Ah, my readers... the chapter of my college life has come to an end. I have my B.A in English, with the minor in Religion. I have a solid job at Lenscrafters, which will be transferred once I settle in Case's hometown. I have my car, my computer, my health. And most of all, I have my love, which has kept me from going completely insane during these last few months. Sometimes this love even inspires me to write...
I wish to give you words of love, my dear,
That Aphrodite, throned in cloud and sky
Would smile and weep, my flow'ry lines to hear,
Devotion from a woman such as I.
My darling man, you are my diamond light,
The sun and star that guides me to your heart,
That never fades in shadow, nor in night,
Nor over miles that keep us now apart.
Our souls entwined, the weaving of our fates
Comes clearer as the chapter comes to close
In a story that our destiny creates,
As seeds and summer bloom a gorgeous rose.
So we do bloom, in reason and in rhyme,
To love and live together for all our time.
Sweet dreams,
Grety
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