Broken

My heart is breaking. My hope for the past couple of days has disappeared. One question. One damn question, one angry Grety, and everything fell apart.

He hurts... so damn much. I tried so hard to reach him. I tried so hard to help him see that life is worth living. I wept at the thought of learning about him committing suicide. Because now I'm really afraid that he might. "This is the real me," he said, harshly. If he's telling the truth, and everything up to this morning was a mask... then what can I really do?

I've been dark. I've been hopeless before. Every time I have, I've started paying attention to another person's feelings, and my own then become less of an issue. Sometimes it's taken a little anger on my part, a little bitterness, a little spite... but in the end I always listen. Always change over, for the better. But he couldn't. He could apologize, and he did, so often. But it's not the same - there was so little empathy in it. He couldn't reach out. So many times he tried to push me away. Maybe he was right... but it's my instinct to reach out to people, to help them feel that someone else is trying to share and take on their pain. To not try to do that would bring me down to the level of the thoughtless people I grew up with in high school.

I can't stop caring. I tried it once, and thought it worked. I was wrong - I started dreaming about him, about reconciling with him, and that woke up that hopeful part of me. Everything seemed fine on Thursday night. Everything seemed all right last night. I thought I would have been able to leave Vermont knowing that I hadn't caused any more pain. I was so wrong. So very, very wrong.

I'm not sure what I should do now - call his folks? As estranged as he may be from them, I know they still love him. I don't know if there's anyone else he'll listen to. I can't reach him, and I think that I still mean a lot to him. I feel so helpless in this... I know I have to keep going on with my life, but what do I do with this? I've seen him as he hates to be seen, when he's been vulnerable, but I could never reassure him. He doesn't want me to be there for him as a friend - he's afraid that it will hurt too much, that things might happen again the way they did this morning... the way they did almost a year ago.

I don't know what to do. I only know my spirit is broken for the day... maybe for a while.

Still here,
Grety