Breakdown

It always amazes me at how much capacity I have to cry. I've been that way since I was young, when I would cry if someone else was crying. That sort of open sympathy/empathy has long since been tempered with tact and control... but when I'm hurting, when something finally hits that last, aching nerve...

It bursts out. You know that feeling well. It's a wave of such misery and hopelessness and frustation, and it drowns everything until its energy is spent... and then I have to wash my face so that the redness is a bit more uniform. My eyes are green, very green, because of all the blood.

Why did I break down today? I suppose this has been building for a few days, when I was talking with my coworkers about whether I should ask my cousin for a picture of the shoes I should buy for the wedding. They all thought it was a good idea, and the best I could do under the circumstances (mainly, that they didn't have the store here that they bought the shoes from in Albany). I had this dark feeling, though - that I might be told that no, I have to call the place and order the shoes, that there was nothing they could do for me. And I was half-right - Stacey couldn't send me a picture, not even a cell phone pic, but she told me my cousin Corey was going to go for a Payless pair instead, and I said in my reply (which I CCed to Corey) that as soon as I could find out what Corey was buying, I would go out and buy them myself.

This morning, however, put all that decisiveness back down in the depths of my psyche. I got an e-mail saying that the dresses - all the dresses - still needed an alteration. This, after I spent so much money and time in getting the dress altered to fit me, and with only a few hours left in each day to spend outside of work or bed. I went to work, everything feeling heavy... and I knew I was starting to get a cold, too. I just felt hopeless... that all I was doing, such as it was, wasn't enough to get me through the process, to get me to the final product of a wonderful wedding for Nell.

I called my mom. I told her how I was feeling, and what was troubling me. She asked if she should talk to her sister, the mother of the bride, to see what options there were, and I said yes, I wanted as many options as I could get, to figure out what I needed to do. After that first call, I went into the bathroom and wept, with the door open. I didn't care who saw or heard. I cried, I washed my face, and went back in to work. My supervisor noticed, and could see that I was really distraught, but that I was trying to keep control. She told me to take a break, and gave me the offer (which I accepted) of leaving when one of my other coworkers came. I took a break, called Case, got a bit more of the stress out of me. After that call, I took some deep breaths and went back to work again, more calm. I became even more calm when Mom called me back, saying that things were going to be taken care of, that I had less to worry about, that things weren't as big of a deal as I was making them to be. I left at 2:30, and called my friend Joe, who has a kitten named Shyguy. He was home, so I went over and hung out with him and the kitten and their cat Kahn for a few hours.

I went back home at around 5:30, feeling pretty good. As I'm walking up the stairs, I get a Restricted call... odd. I picked it up, and it was my cousin Stacey - very odd, since I know I have a number of hers in my address book. Apparently she found out fairly quickly that I had been stressing out... but she offered me no comfort. Instead, she berated me for stressing out Nell and my aunt. She said that she understood that I had a lot going on right now, but so did they. She said that all she did during this time, getting ready for the wedding, was hound me to do things - true, that I forgot my checkbook at the bridal shower, and had to wait a while before I could get stamps to send the check and pay her back. But the rest... she kept saying that she wasn't trying to bitch at me, but that was exactly what she was doing.

As the conversation ended, and I closed my phone, a horrible, miserable groan escaped my throat. I didn't think I could cry more today, but I did. A lot more. I told my troubles on IM with Griffin, and then my friend Wes called. Between the two of them, I calmed down a little. I had called my mom and Case not long after Stacey called, so I could talk with them. When Mom called back, I told her what had gone on. She sympathized with me (she even used the f-word when talking about the last-minute alterations!). She said that she was sorry that she made things more complicated, but that she had been waiting for me to call her to ask for help - her friend had advised her to wait, instead of offering help, knowing that when I needed it, I would ask. She also thought, as I did, more along the lines that Nell's mom, her sister, could probably handle a lot more stress than Stacey was thinking.

Stacey is not always the easiest person to get along with - she's had fights with most of our cousins, even Nell, who's her best friend. She's Nell's Maid of Honor, and she's the one planning all this. I can't blame her for her stress... but I'm not happy in that she made me feel like I was ruining everything with my own stress. I may be an adult, over the 20-mark, but I'm a new adult. I've barely been living on my own, just out of college, just into the working world. I've got a huge move in less than two weeks, and a lot of business to finish up in this apartment before I go. My money is tight, and I've already spent over $300 on bridal prep (not to mention $150+ on prepping my car, and still more spending to come). And I'm by myself, in another state, and six years younger than she is, younger still than either Corey or Nell. I've got a lot of factors working against me in this, and she just doesn't seem to understand this.
When I don't know what I'm doing, I muddle through until I need help, and then I call for help. I can't help but think that even though I've been slow and hesitant about doing things, that I *have* been doing the right things. I got the dress alterations done in time. I brought veggies and dip to the bridal shower, and helped set things up and take things down, and handed out the bridal presents. I haven't been rude... just distant, and that's only natural, not just because of geography, but because I'm the youngest, and I find it hard to get along with the middle part of my generation - at the bridal shower, I spent more time with my mom's sisters than my cousins.

I'm doing the best I can, for the most part independently... and these days, it's hardly seemed good enough. I swear, it's only through Case's strength and love that I'm managing to get through days like this. My friendship with James has helped out, too - we both listen to each other's problems - and I think that deserves a visit on our way west. It's less than a week until Case's arrival - still a lot to do, and moving some things tomorrow, but I know I can make things work.

In the meantime, my nose is sniffly, and my upper lip is chapped. My eyes feel really dry from the workout they've gotten, and I'm emotionally exhausted, if not physically exhausted. But even after all this trouble and stress, I still have hope. The wedding will be good, the reception will be good... and then I'll be able to move on with my life, with the man I was meant to be with.

World-weary,
Grety

PS: One bright spot tonight was when I went downstairs to use the bathroom (we're out of toilet paper here, and Carolyn hasn't bought any - I'll be damned if I'm buying more). I looked and saw that I had a package from one of my other aunts! I brought it upstairs, and found a belated graduation card and gift. The gift was a silver necklace with an abalone shell pendant, shaped like a leaf. I put it on, and although the silver doesn't exactly go the best with Case's gold heart that I wear every day, the pendants are both displayed separately on my breastbone - they don't hit each other at all. I owe my Aunt LaDonna a very nice thank-you note - I almost cried from the fact that even through all of this prep for Nell, someone remembered, even though late, that I had done a lot recently in my own life. The timing, someone in my family showing that they cared about me and my endeavors, touched me deeply.